I simply love you guys! There, I said it. Don't let Wife know! LOL!
No, honestly, I love the way the buddy system works here on FatSecret. It's so good to know that when we're doubting ourselves, there are people who are interested, who cares, who support, who just share thoughts, and help us back in that groove that we need so badly.
Yesterday, I was definitely in such a groove. I felt that my weight loss journey had come to a halt. I felt that things haven't moved as fast as they should - and I still agree with that statement.
The big difference from yesterday and today is that I think I have an understanding of what might be happening. This understanding is thanks to my much loved buddies - especially Ryan75 and Sk1nnyfuture, but also many others.
You pointed out some things that should be fairly obvious to me, but were not. It's strange how we think we have things straightened out, but until someone points it out - we really don't.
Ryan posted a very relevant question: "Are you READY to be done losing weight?". The obvious answer is "Uh, yeah. Duh." However, the answer MAY not be true. The answer may be much more complicated than that.
For the last 16 months, I've had an identity in losing weight. For 16 months I've been a "weight loss hero", succeeding what I have tried many times before, becoming an inspiration to friends and coworkers, and people here on FatSecret. I try to support, share my knowledge and generally "pay it forward" to anyone that I can help doing the same.
However, what happens when I am DONE losing weight. Then I change identity. I will no longer be the one LOSING weight. I will no longer hear the "Man, you just keep getting thinner and thinner", or the "How much more are you gonna lose?" comments. It will change to something else, and I won't know what it is. Am I ready for this? It's uncharted territory, and I am not always a big fan of this. I like to have settled in my habits, and this IS a scary place to get to.
However, it IS a place I want to get to. I have had a good "talk" with myself about that, all day yesterday. I think I have made the decision with myself that this IS where I want to go. I do need to finish this. But I am also aware of the scary part of doing something new. Of having accomplished this. It's so strange how our minds play tricks on us.
Another thing that could slow me down is Wife. Not intensionally, of course - she loves me WAY too much to do that. However, she made a comment one day about how SHE had to come to terms with the way I look. She fell in love with a chubby guy and he is not around any longer. She is genuinely happy that I am losing weight, and she is genuinely happy that I am healthier and happier, and she is happy changing too. However, this comment may have settled with me in ways that I haven't fully comprehended yet. It could be whispering in my ear that maybe she loves me more as a chubby guy.
This, of course, is my mind talking to me, not her talking to me. I know she loves me. I know where I stand with her, and her with me. I have no doubts. However, the subconsciousness doesn't always agree.
And this is where the mindfulness comes in. I have done two "classes" so far, and I am a little bit on pause. I want Wife to join me, as I see that she can really use it. She's kind of a slow starter though, so I have to be a little patient. I'm considering just moving on with it, and re-doing it when and if she becomes more interested. I need it, and I can't wait too long.
I think tomorrow is a good day for next session, I'll ask her whether I will start over with her, or just go on my own. I think we need to be at least half interested in doing this for it to work, and I am not sure she is there just now.
So, what about the weight? Well, this is where things get weird. Sometimes a decision can make a difference. I have been lingering in the 81-82 kgs for a LONG time. Yesterday I was in the upper part of it, at 82.8 kgs. Yesterday I didn't do much out of the ordinary. I changed my RDI back to 1600, where I have lost most efficiently in the later months, and tried to focus on just doing okay. We ate a good, reasonable dinner, I had leftovers for lunch and I had a (smaller) portion of low cal ice cream as an evening treat. It's all things I've done for ages, also the last month or so.
However, when I got on the scale, I have dropped 2 kgs! Yes! I am actually OUT OF the 81-82 humdrum, and weighed in at 80.8 kgs. Now, of course, it would be nice to just stay in the 80 and going downwards, but I'm not sure it'll stick just yet. I will try hard though. Losing weight just got a lot more fun with this new low - and it's only Tuesday. I should be able to keep it for at least a good weigh-in on Saturday - that's 4 days from now. Let's see if I can do it.
I can tell that this new lowest weigh-in got my motivation back. It's put me more back in the groove, and I want to stay here. It's a good place for me to be, for now.
I will, with this new lowest weigh-in, prepare myself mentally for finishing. I will try to visualize how it's gonna be there, and what I will be doing and experience differently. I am thinking that this is a good way to move towards next step. I DO want to get there. I want to and I have to. I want to "finish" this. The term "finish" used loosely, as I am aware that I'm not gonna ever fully finish. With finish I mean reach my goal of 77 kgs, get the surgery, recover and maintain for life. Find a good spot weight-wise that I will find my comfortable in.
I have followed my good buddy Mikecontos for a while, watching his maintenance. He has written quite come about this - finding out at which weight he is most comfortable. I find it interesting. He is a good chunk below his goal weight, and has found a spot where he feels good. That spot is (from what I understand) within a few lbs. I wonder where this will be for me. I can tell that the more weight I lose, the more comfortable I become when moving around, walking, running, working, standing etc. I wonder when I will reach "optimal" weight for these things. How will I know? I guess time will tell.
See, these questions are what makes reaching goal difficult. We just don't know. It's kinda of like the big "Life after Death" question. We can all assume, but we don't really know.
So, what's in store for me today?
Well, there will be no catching up at work today. I will be attending a team-day with work, where our entire team goes for some classes, meetings and hopefully a little fun. It's gonna be a good day with great company. The only thing I dread is the "not specified surprise lunch", which for now is a secret. It might "just" be sandwiches, but as you know I don't like having these things thrown at me as they are hard to plan.
I have calculated breakfast and dinner, so I know what I can do with lunch. I will just have to adjust it accordingly. Hopefully it's not something too crazy. If they do sandwiches, I can always toss half the bread, scrape off mayo and what ever else yucky stuff they put in there. We'll see. I'll bring my little portable kitchen scale, so I will know a little better what I'm doing. I reached a great new low today, and I'll be damned if I have to give it away right away. :)
After "work", I'm going for a home/school meeting with Wife and Daughter, and then going to teach the kids. Yup. I sure got a full plate today. Lots to do.
It's gonna be a fun day though, I'm looking forward to it.
This new low has really put my mood up - I am truly amazed how my outlook can change.
EDIT: - A blue bar! I have FINALLY gotten my blue bar back! Of course I'm aware that it might not "stick" just yet, but this is SO exciting. This is the LAST blue bar on my weight loss journey. No more lowering my goal. No more setting lower goals after I reach one. At least I don't plan to. :) END OF EDIT.
Today I am thankful for
- THE BEST BUDDIES! Thanks again for all your insightful comments everyone!
- Full concerts on Youtube. Right now I'm groovin' to
Wolfmother - CHECK IT OUT!- A little too strong coffee in the morning.
- A good friend/future trainer/coworker picking me up in 30 minutes so I don't have to take the bus to the Team event day today.
- Kitty cat snuggling and always making me smile.
- Inbox messages.
- A NEW LOW! WOW!
Please ensure that you all have a great day today. Know that there is an army of buddies behind you. If you're new here and don't have too many buddies yet, go get some! I can't only encourage this. We are all here for you, as I know you're here for me.
Life is indeed good!