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Tuesday - December 24th. I haven't journaled here for a while - I've been ranting offline trying to clear some of the nonsense from my mind but it's not working. I feel stuck, frozen, lost and frustrated. So I'm returning to what I know, what's worked best for me at least in the past year. Read, don't read, doesn't matter. Before I get on with my mental cleansing though let me take this opportunity to wish you all a wonderful Christmas and a safe and happy holiday.
Regarding all things food- I overate yesterday to almost uncomfortable for the first time in a while. I was cold and wanted something hot and comforting so I made sausage gravy, an egg and toasted a biscuit. I drank two pints of water while cooking it though so the overfull was likely an adequate portion of food on top of too much water already in my stomach. But I've also slipped into a habit where the nightly oatmeal is on a slippery slope toward something akin to hot ice cream. I've been adding cinnamon, vanilla and brown sugar and copious amounts of butter. The oatmeal has become a vehicle for sugar and too much fat in a single event to satisfy hunger. So now that I've 'come public' about that I should be able to think more wisely at bedtime. Last night I went all in and ate the fudge I'd purchased at Cracker Barrel - I remember not even really liking it I just felt an inexplicable need for sugar and the self hatred that accompanies it when I am not loving what I eat but am eating it anyway. The scale is doing the 5lb bounce again - up and down within days - so I'm tagging sodium and think maybe the salt in the butter is the leading factor. And Sunday I attempted to cook homemade French Onion Soup with Mushrooms and it was very salty so more sodium based water retention. And as we do tend to confess TMI here I had a very unexpected little visitor wade in and has been totally messing with everything hormonal, mental and physical. So that's the summary of what's been going in my mouth.
Here's what I need to get out of my head ... somewhere.. maybe just shooting it out to the universe will release it from my own mind. I feel stuck, lost and frustrated. I miss Cutty so much and my grief seems to be setting in at a time when the rest of the world indicates I should be moving on. I've never had the most perfect sense of timing and that clock-a-kilter continues. And it seems the more I try to reach out to my friends, indicating 'I'm really hurting here' the farther they away they run. It could just be my own emotions are running the reviews but I am understanding why people become hermits. After several frustrating empty rounds of asking for help I just shut the door to my home and my heart. No more wearing it on my sleeve for people to wipe their noses on; not right now.
The Memorial for Cutty was scheduled for Jan 10th but I'm cancelling it. In the ever so familiar saying, 'If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself' I stupidly trusted a friend when he offered to 'take care of it for me' in setting it all up. What was clearly outlined to him as 'somewhere over on the lake to scatter the ashes then a nice room large enough for probably at least 30 but no more than 50 people to gather, warm up, share a couple of stories over a tray or two of hot & cold appetizers with coffee and tea' got literally FUBAR'd into 'call this girl, she's got a friend who lives in the condo's and you can say you're his friend and you can have about 10 people there at their fancy exclusive restaurant that bills out at about $75 a person....' So, yeah, let's start off Cutty's send off by lying about who we are and wondering when the snooty sheriff is going to bounce us condo imposter's out on our keasters. I don't thinks so.
So I went to an antique store this weekend and bought several beautiful boxes; I'm having name plates engraved for them with Cutty's name & dates, and will distribute his ashes to his kids and let them all have their own ceremony. This will save the two up North from the expense and travel and I will go alone, with my share, and scatter them to the winds; saving some for the rose beds. I don't feel like having to resume 'stoic widow' for anyone right now. I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be as I break out of this persona of the caretaker of a sick husband that I've worn for over a decade now.
Much anger going on here. Anger at the unfairness and anger at myself for being ungrateful for what we did have. The bounce between anger and acceptance ... it's really more of a swinging pendulum. Back and forth; higher arcs right now than the past few weeks.
I ask myself it's guilt because although I miss him much, I don't miss the caretaking and the noise and the whirlwind of death that has been my life for the past decade. I like my home quiet and serene. I like being able to try to write these thoughts without the sound of TV in the background. I like tidy and I like not having every move I make being evaluated by the ever present witness. I knew what that was about - with so little within his realm of control beyond the TV remote he made up with it by constantly commenting on me, my actions, purchases, every move. It's odd to get out of the chair to go ... to the bathroom, kitchen, bed, etc., without being asked, 'where are you going' and 'while you are up, could you do this thing for me.'
I wake in the morning with no demands other than my own needs. No breakfast to prepare, serve and clear. No medications to administer or caretaking to give. It's often after 2pm when I realize I didn't prepare lunch right at 11:30 as scheduled so many years. The afternoons arrive and depart without the Lone Ranger or Roy Rogers in the background. I haven't fallen to sleep to Family guy in a month.
No longer being married though removes my sounding board; my devils advocate. The person who encouraged me to look at both sides of an issue in ways that I'd ignored. No intimate discussions of life and philosophy. My entire day exists on a purely superficial level with others. At the end of the evening I can barely look back at anything with a sense of pride that I made a difference an anyone's life that day.
It's only been a month. It will take time. I'm trying to give time the time. I have an urge to run away but I don't want to cross the thresh hold to the outside to get there. I'm stuck, paralyzed and frozen. In a way I've never felt in my life. I pray for a sign of direction and guidance. What to do with my life to leave a mark now. Who do I want to be now that I have the freedom to choose?
These are the thoughts that have me emotionally stuck. I may be here a while and the answer can come in the next hour. I'm open. I hope it comes soon.
Bella
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 Comments
Bella I don't feel your grief should follow anyone's schedule but Bella's. This is your life, you go through the rough parts of it in whatever way works for you. I had a small insight that I feel might be part of this that I'd like to share with you, though. I'm not sure this grief is entirely over his death. I wonder if it isn't the release of emotions that you've kept within yourself for so many years now, just to keep the peace, to keep going, to keep things on an even keel. Maybe your mind is, by hurtling through this pendulum, trying to balance things out, and by doing so is dumping all this stuff, laying it on the table so that you have to accept and confront the pain, anger, and grief, the daily frustrations, the irritation with other people, all that jazz. Freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be, and you're having to make decisions now not within a set of parameters defined by someone else's needs but purely by your own-well it would give me quite a jolt, I can tell you.
24 Dec 13 by member: CollyMP
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The holidays make it worse I think, you feel the loss of Cutty so much more. But I agree with Glen, there is no time table for grief and a connecting with a group of people who have been through losing someone close could help with some coping strategies. You expect a lot from yourself and at this time you should give yourself a break.
24 Dec 13 by member: fatoldlady
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What you're doing in sharing the ashes is probably one of the most unselfish and kind gestures I've ever heard. No one will be slighted nor feel put out and can have their own "ceremony/service/farewell". I have a friend who made the request that upon her death and cremation, they are to purchase a tree and put her ashes in the hole where they plant it. She'll always be a part of their lives.
Be kind to yourself. Grief hits when it hits. Like FOL said, there's no set time.
24 Dec 13 by member: ClassicRocker
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Bella I have told you before that you are a nurturer and you have lost your husband of many years and it's still very fresh. No one expects you to be anything other than what you are and you must let it out and cry and grieve and be angry. The denial stage is over ... now you must let it out and grieve for Cutty. There is no good time to lose your spouse, the holidays are triple the feelings of loss. We're here for you. I like the idea of giving each child part of Cutty's ashes. They can move on and then so can you. Don't drag it out. (((BIG HUGS)))
24 Dec 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
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Bella - Always know that we are here for you. Vent at will. And about making a difference in someone's life - you make a difference in ours.
I too think sharing the ashes is a wonderful and kind thing to do. Grieving has it' own schedule to keep. I've always been told that after the passing of a husband/wife, you can expect to wait a year before you have a clear mind. Know that we are here for you and our prayers go out to you. Many Many Hugs everyday as you go through this time. Be kind to yourself during this season and enjoy your peaceful home.
24 Dec 13 by member: Lynn1958
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My dear Angel, the holidays are tough for many & for many reasons, but having just suffered the loss of your dear Cutty, they are difficult beyond words. Please be gentle with yourself, take care of you, & do whatever feels right and you can to get through. And, most of all, know we are here for you, love you to the moon & back, and send never-ending love & hugs. xoxox
24 Dec 13 by member: Ruhu
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Bella, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to rant, it's okay to do crazy stuff, and it's okay to share it when and if you feel like doing so. We are here for you. I see myself in your words and moods. We have have feet of clay at one time or another. (((((hugs)))) and positive thoughts being sent your way. Hang in there. Merry Christmas and a very, very Happy New Year!
24 Dec 13 by member: kclab
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Bella, I really don't have anything to add. Everyone else has said much of what I think. And, I really don't have any suggestions, words of wisdom or guidance. I usually look to you for that on my own journals. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. In my own selfish way, when I read your journals about Cutty and I think of how I can't hardly keep from tearing up not just for your loss but also I don't think I could cope with losing my husband. I suspect some of your RLFs have a bit of the same issue in that they can't look at death without thinking about how it will be when it hits even closer to them. Many of us just avoid it and inadvertently avoid those that it has recently touched. It is hard to accept that death is real. That doesn't excuse anyone from their avoidance, but maybe it does explain it some. Hugs, Bella. You are a great lady. Cutty is still there with you. Maybe wait a bit longer before you decide what to do with his ashes. It will occur to you when you are ready.
25 Dec 13 by member: 2ManyCurves
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(((Hugs))) Christmas must be the worse time to deal with grief - I cannot say I know how you feel, because it don't - and I wouldn't be so presumptuous to say I did. I only know, that the roller coaster of grief and anger is part of the grieving process - but I know you know that - but may not want to hear it. You are strong - but I also know you may be fed up hearing this and just want to disappear into a sea of grief. Please don't do that, as you say, it is early days yet.... And although it may not feel like it, it am SURE you WILL work your way through this. You will never be sad that Cutty isn't there, but, will adjust to your new life. I guess, guilt at being relieved at not having to cater for someone else's needs, play a part.... Don't feel guilty, please... Again... This is normal... (((Hugs)))
25 Dec 13 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
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I agree with everyone above. It's never easy to loose someone but around Thanksgiving through New Year it makes it even harder with all the parties and happy times. Everyone grieves differently but I do think a grief support group could be helpful just like this FS group is helpful. Please know I am thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way. Only time will help you through this loss and make it less paralyzing. I hope you have a great day tomorrow.
25 Dec 13 by member: SJacqueline
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