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Christmas Day 2013. So quiet here. I hear the clocks ticking during the silences of the circulating fan. Mushy is snoring in the living room. My first Christmas alone, I believe, ever. As an adult, prior to the quarter century of being with Cutty I would spend Christmas Eve at my Grandmother's home. On Christmas day I'd wake and go serve dinner at the Salvation Army and spend the afternoon with the children in the domestic violence unit.
I slept through most of my first Christmas eve alone. To protect myself from confused 'over medication' I put the anti-anxiety meds and muscle relaxers in labeled doses and when I woke panicked and depressed I had a glass of water, medicated, and returned to bed. I needed the sleep. I've been operating in a state of sleep deprivation for nearly two weeks. I was careful. I'm not ready to be another statistic.
Blondie's crew is expected here around 1pm. They insisted on cooking and bringing the meal this time and I did not even pretend to put up a fight after their little stunts and fiascos on the previous meals I'd labored to serve.
They'd invited me over to their home and while it would be more efficient for them I gently explained that I would not do that. They'd been told when they leased that building from us they were allowed to have one dog; they had two but even when one passed away instead of saying 'well, now we're in compliance' they took in another. They have two very large barking dogs; I call them Shetland ponies with collars. I'm not a 'large dog' bigot; I'm a 'you don't train your dog' bigot. They jump on people and one even broke a recliner she's so heavy. Crating them only results in trying to have a conversation over their endless howling and barking. They've done nothing toward training their dogs so it's not pleasant. Also, they smoke. (Blondie & husband, not the dogs).
So in the most gentle candid terms I could use I explained these reasons of why I cannot be expected to 'hang out' at their home. Their house, their rules, I get it. But while they continue to skirt the terms of their lease I will still remember my personal preferences. I'd push the lease harder but I have a feeling if or when her Father-in-Law passes (a 76 year old man who's been hospitalized twice with heart issues this year) they will move to live with the Mother-in-Law. So I'm tempering my temper but again protecting my day.
So 'my' assigned contribution to today's feast was 'the meat & cheese tray'. I'm the best cook in this family (sorry - big ego but TRUE) and I've been tasked with picking up a pre-packed deli thing? Sigh. But that's okay. I decided if they are going to treat me flakey I'll respond in kind. When we confirmed the 'time' last night I asked 'so, I'm doing appetizers, right?' Note, did not say 'meat & cheese tray'. They'll be expecting that ever so common sliced sausage and dried out thing that it may as well be a fruitcake dish; I'm making both hot and cold appetizers. Something *I* can eat too because I really don't like they're cooking - they still eat too much processed food so everything is over seasoned to be able to 'taste' it.
So I picked up the most delicious fresh sliced roasted turkey with sundried tomatoes, a fantastic sliced roast beef, fresh sliced provolone cheese as well as smoked cheddar and Swiss cheese. I'll be using spinach tortillas and wheat tortillas with a variety of cream cheese spreads to make some interesting roll ups cut and served with a variety of creamy and spicy dipping sauces. I'm also serving 'pigs in blanket' and 'pizza rolls' (those won't be handmade) for the 'hot' appetizers. Trying to decide if I want to do that same old tired sausage/cheese/rotel tomato dip or not - they seem to think Christmas isn't Christmas without it. I guess I'll do it; will help me get rid of the Velveeta (which I do not like anyway).
Speaking of cheese, one of my customers gave me FOUR POUNDS of it yesterday! Yikes! Some 'fresh shipped from Wisconsin supposedly better than anything in the world' but it's been a while since I purchased cheese in POUNDS. Cheese is my 'chocolate crack' and I spend hours (okay, not hours but .. you get the point) drooling over it and sampling it at the fancy cheese kiosk in stores, buying it in small 2-3 ounce portions and enjoying it in tiny little mindful slices. FOUR pounds!! Yowza. I'm thinking I should make some homemade macaroni & cheese today... hmm.. that with some bacon .. yep, that's be a nice dish. The first time I ever served that to my grandson's they were stunned. They thought M&C only came in the box with the powdered cheese. Poor little babies. Such a sheltered life.
I often consider getting a pasta maker so I'd have more control over the purity of that dish but I think that would rank right up with getting a fondue dish for me. I already have trouble remembering 'gravy' isn't a beverage; no way I need chocolate or cheese in liquid form. That's be a total lights out on Mindful Slurping.
So here it is, 11am and no delightful aromas wafting from my kitchen - a first in many years. Well, not a first, just a first for being HOME and that happening. I think I'll go make the bed, get some clothes on, and start 'something' simmering on the stove. Mentally imagining the things in the freezer I'm thinking I do have some shrimp and chicken breast. Bacon in the fridge. I think a Shrimp Embrochet may be in order today as I didn't get to that dish on Thanksgiving when the guest list doubled as well as the women bringing food.
In summary - I'm sad. I'm in denial again. But I'm coping the best I can. One day at a time. I'm going to go refill the birdfeeder and get moving. Hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas Day. It's cool but sunny here although the prediction is mostly cloudy. I'll just close my eyes to that and imagine the sunshine within.
Merry Christmas,
Bella
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