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Something happened last night that upset me little. I have to accept it and that's that, but I wanted to vent.
I thought all this time I was losing weight that my DH Mark and I had a "deal": that once I lose my 100 pounds, he would lose his 40. He's 5'10" and 245. His lowest weight was 180. Well, last night I found out that I was wrong. It came up somehow that we never had a "deal". Apparently I imagined or assumed that. I may have said, "If I lose my 100 pounds. will you lose your 40?" and he may have even nodded his head, figuring he'd worry about that a year down the road, or he may never even have done that because he is saying now it never happened, though I really don't think I imagined it.
The entire reason I started my journey was because of this heartfelt speech he gave me where he sat me down and pleaded with me to lose weight, claiming that there are no really old fat people and that he wants to get old with me. When I threw it back in his face about the whole "there are no old fat people", he just said, "I'm comfortable with my weight." And I said, "So was I!" He went on to say that he saw my ankle and knee issues as precursors to crippling weight-related issues (notice, not life-threatening, but crippling), and I'm wondering now if he just wanted me to lose weight so he wouldn't have to take care of me, and it had nothing to do with me dying!
I mean, of course I know the weight would eventually kill me, but this makes me feel like he's a big hypocrite. So it's okay for me to get thin and live, but he is "comfortable" with his weight. He went on to say that his weight doesn't limit him from any of life's activities (it does limit me). While this is true, that has little to do with health.
Overall, I'm just sad. I thought we were on this journey together, just on separate paths. Now it turns out I'm on this journey alone. However, I'm not disheartened in the least. If anything, the fire under my ass is lit even higher and hotter because this IS for me, and if he doesn't give a sh#t about himself enough to stick around and get old with me and be with me to see it out, then that will be his loss, but I'm sure as hell not going to sacrifice my own health and future because he chooses to be lazy, self-indulgent and in denial about his weight. I'm going all the way with this, but apparently, I'm going it alone.
I told him last night that I thought we had a "deal", but if we don't, I certainly do love him the way he is, I'm just sad because now that I've bought into the whole "there are no really fat old people" concept, I believe he won't get old with me. He didn't say much - how could he? I'm not going to shame him, because what would be the point? If losing 50 pounds out of my 100 pound first goal isn't enough to inspire him, then I doubt losing the other 50 will do squat, but it doesn't matter because ultimately, I'm doing this for me first, and "us" second.
He knows he was a jerk. He tried to be nice and cheer me up the rest of the night, but I wouldn't have it. I told him this was a lot to process and it would take some time. I told him I loved him, but that I was also crushed with disappointment and I needed time. I will need a good cry to get past this. It hasn't happened yet, but it will today, I imagine.
Thank you for listening. It really helps just getting it out.
Dominique/aka Mrs. Mole
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21 to 40 of 49
 Comments
All, I remembered that Mark told me about this holistic Chiropractor in his biz group who had some kind of weight loss program he liked the sound of, and I called him on it and reminded him that he told me he was considering asking that doctor about weight loss. I told him, "See? I wasn't imagining it that you were talking about losing weight." He said that, yes, he vaguely recalled mentioning it.
The bottom line was, he said he would lose weight, "when he was ready." And you know what? I wouldn't want him to do it any sooner than that. I remember that a year ago, I wasn't ready, either. All the nagging in the world doesn't work. The person HAS to be ready on their own.
I'm just glad I got him to admit that I wasn't crazy or imagining it, and I'm fine with him waiting, even if he changed his mind from before, that's fine, too! I AM doing this for ME! His speech about getting old together might have been the initial kick in the ass that got me going, but now, it's all for me. So while I'd love for him to be along for the ride, he can come along or stay behind. I won't love him any less either way.
Since no one has any guarantees that they will wake up tomorrow morning anyhow, all any of us can do is hedge our bets and try to extend our lives with good choices, but in the end, who knows?
So I'm better now. And thanks SO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU for talking me off the ledge. It helped. A lot. A really lot. He will likely come around. He knows in his heart of hearts what's right, or he wouldn't have begged me to do it for me, and for us. Bless you all for being here for me, for being the support system I need to get me through the darker days. I feel 100% better.
25 Feb 14 by member: mrsmole
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Im glad you're in this with the rest of us too. We have to do this for ourselves first, love ourselves and that helps us love others. Maybe down the road your husband will see how great you look and feel and he will jump on the bandwagon and get healthy with us. Stay focused and stay positive! Were all in this together and we can do it!
25 Feb 14 by member: springskinny
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I know he is your husband but he is a jerk. Mine boyfriend gave me pretty much the same speech. He wants us to do more things outdoors together and with all my aches and pains if I lost the weight it would be easier on me but than he got mad at me cuz I didn't approve of how he was cooking dinner and he is tired of me hav ing to measure everything that I eat. Can win ffor losing. Men!!!!
25 Feb 14 by member: cyd69
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I know he is your husband but he is a jerk. Mine boyfriend gave me pretty much the same speech. He wants us to do more things outdoors together and with all my aches and pains if I lost the weight it would be easier on me but than he got mad at me cuz I didn't approve of how he was cooking dinner and he is tired of me hav ing to measure everything that I eat. Can win ffor losing. Men!!!!
25 Feb 14 by member: cyd69
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its so hard to live with a spouse who is not on the same journey. i have had so many talks with my husband in hopes that he would join me and lose the weight he has to lose as well but he is "comfortable" with himself. the diffrence is he is "comfortable" with mine as well. he loves me no matter what so he doesnt understand how hard it is to lose it and that im doing it for ME not him. he still brings junk food in to the house and sits on the couch and eats it! it really use to bother me but now i am proud to say it does not effect me! he has "accidentally" lost weight with me because i am the one that cooks and shops. i still hope that when i lose my weight it will motivate him to lose his as well! for now i am focusing on me! good luck to you and never give up. you will have moments of pure saddness but do it for you and he will eventually follow.
25 Feb 14 by member: sanjorjas
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Im sorry you are dealing with this Mrsmole. I know the feeling ... its disapointing . I go thru the same thing with my boyfriend ( who also pushed me to do this for myself ) . In some ways he can be super supportive , but in others he isnt. We were supposed to be doing this together and I have lost 15 pounds , he has lost 2. ... He eats healthy meals with me and says we are in this together , but then he will eat 2 bowls of ice cream and justify it by saying its sugar free. Or eat mass amounts of other things and say , well its healthy right ? Grrrrr totally annoys me . I think he really thought I couldnt do this. He has made other comments about how I never have truly commited to losing weight and stuck to it. Well this time I am , I will do this. So I just use that to motivate me more and more. I dont like to be told I CANT ... Because I like to succeed, therefore I am going to succeed at this. I know you will too , You have come such a long way and are truly changing your life. You are inspiring. Dont let things get you down. You are amazing : )
25 Feb 14 by member: chryssm
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Men suck!!! ... hey... wait a second...
25 Feb 14 by member: 2Big2Fit
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speaking from a MM (mere male) POV Id like to give my ten cents worth. Firstly my situation was the same I was much more overweight than my wife, though she was overweight for sure, but not to the same extent. I tried lots of diets, yo-yo'd like the rest of us, all the while fuming that she was carrying on the same way eating and drinking what she liked, so I know exactly how you feel for sure. then on Dec 1 I discovered this new lifestyle of mine (I don't call it a diet) and now the weight is coming off steadily and I know six months from now Im going to be a shadow of my former self. Recently my wife had her gall bladder removed (we thought it was a heart attack) and the doctors told her her blood sugar was too high along with her cholesterol. We never really spoke about her loosing weight, I was grateful she was alive after the shock of believing it was a heart attack, then suddenly I realised she had indeed lost weight. All she had done was stock drinking coke, stopped drinking Southern Comfort (massive amount of sugar) - she now drinks vodka lime and soda - and switched from two sugars in her coffee to natural sweeteners. She has now lost 8 kilos, and looks fantastic. So my point is this, you are in this for you, yes I get that it would be nice if you were both following the same plan, but everyone has to be serious about losing weight and keeping it lost for themselves, none of us can do it for other people's reasons. I suspect that seeing you lose weight, and becoming more and more desirable to other men (not that you arnt now - Im talking about in his mind) he will choose to come along for the ride all by himself. Plus assuming you prepare the evening meals in your home, just make his as healthy as yours and get him by stealth. You both love each other and by the sounds of things are made for each other, don't pressure him, he will come around in time, and when he does it will really mean something. Steve
25 Feb 14 by member: Kingstephen
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Awwwww :( I m so bummed reading this! I have read several posts where gals don't have the support from their man. I just don't understand these boys sometimes! I hope this does not deter you. Keep on keeping on girl we are all here cheering for ya.....hugs!
25 Feb 14 by member: lauraab
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You have to do this journey for yourself, not your husband. You have to be your top priority. Keep going but do it for you. His thoughts on this issue are really of no consequence. He may be feeling threatened by your loss, that's his problem not yours.
25 Feb 14 by member: Barbara4572
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You are doing awesome regardless. It's nice to have someone along for the ride but he will come around eventually. Keep your focus as you have been doing, it is definitely a journey and not a destination. This is a lifestyle to stay healthy. You rocked a major milestone... pull over... celebrate and get back on the road to success! <3
25 Feb 14 by member: 2Big2Fit
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25 Feb 14 by member: tunalw
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I have added every single person who remarked on here as a new Buddy if you were one already, so I hope everyone accepts. People's remarks here were so moving and supportive, I want you all as friends. I want you all to know, this IS for me, 100%. And i know he will come around when he's ready, and with luck, it will be in time to save his life. I'm just glad that for me, it was in time to save mine. I saw a picture on myself taken over the weekend, and even after 50 pounds lost, I'm still thinking, "Wow, still a looooong way to go." But that's okay! I'm in no rush! That' why I do the challenges on here, and I'm in no hurry to get it done. Hey, at least my face looked thinner, Haha! I have to admit to everyone that I checked in here today about 4 times and each time I did, a heap more of support remarks were added and with each one, I smiled more and bigger. I swear, I got through this day because of you guys and what started out with tears has ended up a day with my head held high and with me feeling good and proud of my accomplishments and my journey still ahead. NOTHING will stop me! Or any of us. Go team FS!
25 Feb 14 by member: mrsmole
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Nobody will love you the way you love you. Keep up the good work. The new you will love you even more for your hard work.
25 Feb 14 by member: VeryDirect
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You have to do this for you, I've tried making deals with my daughter that always end up disappointing. I don't ask anymore but I am working hard to do this because I want to do it. I hope the same for you. You'll not be sorry for your dedication to yourself. Have a great day.
25 Feb 14 by member: LadyBea40
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Keep up the Good work! Always Do it for You! Your worth it!
25 Feb 14 by member: caroljanel
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Dear Mrsmole: Sometimes you have to vent, and the best people to vent to are those who love you and/or those who understand what you are going through. I hope most of us can try to be both, even thought we only know you from afar. I pray your DH comes around and sees what this means to you, and yes, how he has hurt you. Sorrow and forgiveness is the soil within which love can grow. God bless you & Mark!
25 Feb 14 by member: Low Carb Singer
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Wow. There are so many responses to this. You really hit a nerve, Dominique. LOL! Well, I read a few, but I haven't read all the responses, probably ten other people said the exact same thing I'm about to say. If so, sorry to parrot the same things again. But I have a couple of thoughts... first, ignore it, definitely don't take it so personally. Men are AWFUL at reading between the lines. He certainly didn't mean all the things your brain read into his words. We just aren't that sophisticated. I promise. :D We have a tendency to say what's on our mind, often regretting later how it probably sounded -- that's if it ever even occurs to us that it sounded differently than we intended. Also, keep in mind that most men are natural-born rebels. I can't speak for your husband without knowing him, but I would be willing to bet he's like the 80% or so of guys I know that *HATE* being told what to do. The minute someone says he *HAS* to do something, his innate response is to fight it. A much better method is to just show him how much fun you're having now that you're fitter and leaner. Make a show of all the things you can do now. Don't tell him, show him. I'm trying to remember, but I've seen that work (unintentionally, without even trying) for several other women on here (Mom2Boxers, BuffyBear? Anyway, I've seen it a few times). Their husbands saw their progress, and became kind of jealous about it, and decided to do the same. Anyway, I think that's the best you can do. But no matter what, first and foremost... never lose weight and get fit and do all this work for someone else--ALWAYS do it for you! Otherwise the minute you're mad at that person (even for just a bit), our instincts want to drive us to strike out. If you do it for someone else when that happens, too often we strike out at them by sabotaging all our work. Do it for you! KEEP SMILING, Dominique! You've got this!
25 Feb 14 by member: Rob.c.weiss
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I need to make this crystal clear - I NEVER DID THIS FOR HIM! If I ever indicated otherwise, then let me make that clear now because too many of you seem to think that is the case and IT'S NOT!!!! I did it for me, because I wanted to live! I wanted to grow old, with or without him, but yes, especially with him. I just thought that he would lose weight after I did. I thought we had a "deal". When someone who is also overweight says, "Baby, please lose weight so we can get old together!" one ASSUMES that means that he, too, will lose weight so that he can ALSO get old as part of the couple, RIGHT? Is that not a natural assumption? It would be stupid for me to think that "Let's get old together" really translates into: "You get thin and grown old alone while I keep eating what I want and die young and fat". I mean, am I on crack, or am I right? ROFL. Bottom line: This is for me first, and if he tags along, then awesome. And Rob, you are SO right about this one in particular. It HAS to be his idea. So when people start telling him that I'm too good looking to be paired with him, or that we don't "match" as a couple, we'll see what he thinks then. Heh heh. Meanwhile, I still love him, faults and fat and all. And I love myself more for sucking it up and doing the hard work that it takes to lose 100 #$%&ing pounds!
25 Feb 14 by member: mrsmole
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by you losing the weight I am sure you feel better look better with a better attitude !! I cant believe you were comfortable with your weight being 100 pounds heavier then what you are now.. you want to get thin and live and hey you never know who will want to grow old with you him or someone else. Even tho you made it sound like you were doing it for him .. think of it as he was doing you a favor with out the so called deal would you have done it on your own or even started it ?
25 Feb 14 by member: porladie
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