FullaBella's Journal, 29 December 2013

Sunday - December 29th. All things food Saturday? Well, if I could totally ignore (a sugar lobotomy perhaps?) the World Market Rocky Road chocolate bar I scarfed at bed time my eating was pretty good.

Saturday I woke at 4am but forced myself to stay in bed until 7am trying to go back to sleep. I finally gave up and after checking on your journals and reading the paper found myself thinking 'what the heck am I going to do until Kaddy gets here at 1pm?'

Then I remembered, 'Uh, Duh.. Bella... you can do whatever you want.. you don't have to stay here and wait.' So I put Mushy in her harness and we hit the antique stores for more finds. She's really enjoying the 'out and about' a little more each day. I may even look into an old fashioned bicycle with a basket large enough to contain her safely; there are plenty of places close enough to not require a vehicle; I could actually walk them but she tires after a couple blocks.

We missed the opening night at the pub; have yet to go. Something to live for, I suppose. Hopefully all the chairs haven't been claimed just yet. I was a part-time bartender for many years but not so much a patron. I wonder if I'll have the patience to sit on the other side. I could fake interest and sincerity for hours as long as they tipped. Does that make me mercenary?

After bringing our 'treasures' back home I let her rest while I walked over to the market. I was craving a burger; a good old fashioned burger with onions and mustard. I pan cooked them with minced garlic, making three extra for quick meals this week. Cutty's friend Phillip phoned and offered to bring me lunch (he owns the best Pizza place in town) so I offered him a burger instead.

He came, and was very complimentary on how the home is really coming together. He even began commenting on how young and talented I am; I told my gut instincts to ignore my suspicions of an agenda and just hear the good in his words. He did balance that out with a subtle criticism about the shop not being open yesterday. But rather than responding 'it's none of your freaking business...' I just reminded him I'd decided to close on Saturday all of December and would be back 'at the grind' starting with the New Year.

Kaddy and her sister Lola arrived at that time so he left. They were both really complimentary about the home too so another boost to my ego. It's not false flattery on their part either - they have always been very quick to voice their candid (and usually critical) opinions. We went over to World Market, Pier One and Ross. I continued my retail therapy and filled the trunk of Lola's car. That's not as much as it sounds though - she recently bought one of those tiny little cars. I finally found some dinnerware I liked and some really gorgeous throw rugs. I also bought a beautiful pair of champagne flutes and a mini-bottle of sparkling wine.

I've never had caviar and I don't know that trying it for the first time via a packaged set at World Market is the best way to do it but that's what I'm going to do.

I had been struggling with New Years Eve as once Cutty grew too ill for the big blow out parties (that included hired bands and professional pyrotechs (fireworks) and catered meals) we would just celebrate by ourselves. We'd dose in our chairs or eventually he'd go to bed but always waking at 11:30 to watch the final countdown. And as sick as he was, he'd stand and sway with me to Auld Lang Sine and whisper 'this year is going to be the best ever'.

So my NYE plan is to stay home, maybe have a little caviar and pate picnic on the living room floor with Mushy, and then toast to 'this being the best year ever'. When Phillip commented on how I'm 'so young to lose a spouse' and followed up with 'you're so talented, there seems to be nothing you can't do... ' he then said 'you have a whole life still ahead of you' and asked 'what are you thinking of doing?'

I told him I honestly don't know. And I don't. It is odd to wake with no real plan, no definite obligations. I did express gratitude and prayers several times yesterday for my life. The weather was beautiful. I'm not at ideal body weight according to medical charts but I'm healthy enough to walk without pain and fatigue. While out shopping we had lunch. As I'd recognized while dining with Blondie's Crew I revert to shoveling the food without thinking or pausing, with the SIL's yesterday I was in charge. A very interesting recognition. It's not family or groups. It's one dynamic.

I'm doing 'Sunday Dinner at Mom's today' - pork roast with trimmings. I'm going to work on putting my fork back down, sitting calmly, and regaining my charge when that dynamic is around. There HAS to be something solvable there - it can't just be underlying subliminal stress.

But maybe it can - and I just need to be ever so aware of it and find another solution. The SIL's have access to Blondie's face-book (I don't - I don't want to) and were telling me of her ever so dramatic nonsense being posted there. Nothing new for her. She has this unending ability to rewrite history. She's posting how she doesn't know what to do with her weekends now that she doesn't spend them with Cutty (LIE! You all know how much I had to beg her to come over!) and how she misses talking to him every day (Another LIE! There were WEEKS without so much as a phone call) and so on.

So I do find myself ... wondering. So many times Cutty would tell me 'if you want to sell it all and move away, I'll understand.' I would answer 'are you crazy? I never walk away from equity, LOL'. Why would I do that - go somewhere and start over at my age? But there are times - when I'm aware of Blondie's ever increasing nonsense and bull .. I think 'Hmm... maybe Cutty was right.' But I have a suspicion she (they) will be the one's moving if her Father in Law passes. They'll go live off her Mother in Law. Blondie's nonsense will be the same where ever either of us are. She's just like learning to conquer the dessert bar at a buffet. Being in charge of my life regardless of the surroundings.

And with that, I think I'll go get the roast in the oven. Have a wonderful day and thank you for always stopping by to visit with me.

Bella