FullaBella's Journal, 27 December 2013

Friday - December 27th. All things food yesterday? Spinach tortilla wrapped with turkey, cheese and baby spinach in the morning; ham & cheese omlette with mushrooms and spinach for dinner and one serving of oatmeal before bed. I'd considered fasting to balance out the nibbling on Christmas but chose to 'be in charge' and EWIL when I was hungry. Hopefully today can be another of the same as I back away from that ledge of mindless eating that leads to the sugar slide.

Mushy's dental checkup was moved to Monday so the urge to just curl up in the recliner and zone out was strong but with your very encouraging comments and suggestions on my journal I decided to take action instead. We walked down to one of my commercial buildings to do a 'check and inspect' on the ..sigh.. vacant property to ensure all was well after these frigid temperatures. It was a little cool but sunny so definitely better than just rotting the evening away indoors. I'd planned a little boutique browsing but they were closed.

As Mushy began to slow her gait we returned home but once inside again I felt that cloud of 'now what' blow in so we got in the car and drove to the bank (too far - and not safe - to walk on that one - if there were a bank and RX within walking distance I'd probably put my car in the warehouse). The drive through tellers always give her treats. Then we stopped at an antique store and despite not having her 'companion' tags on they allowed both of us in with 'we are dog friendly as long as the dog is (friendly)'.

I picked up some really beautiful pieces for the kitchen cabinet (that place above the shelves that's nothing but dead space) and a really interesting vase for my bathroom that has the same copper, bronze, gold colors I'm incorporating in the rugs and linens. I like this - pulling my home together in person with visual and tactile acquisition from several different sources rather than the 'one stop shopping online' I've had to incorporate so many years to just 'get 'er done'.

As I've mentioned the 'pendulum between anger and acceptance' continues to swing, I'll confess in all fairness this morning it is hanging on the acceptance side a little more. I agree with the comment that some of my anger or grief was the recognition of my feelings resurfacing. So many years of compromise just to keep the peace. The stifling of my own sense of being to avoid confrontations or the need for explanations that literally drained all of the inspiration from me and cancelled out my desire to proceed with trivial agendas.

Much like my painting begins with nothing more than a single color, the garden with a single flower and so on, so did other things in my life but being questioned 'why' and 'what's the plan' would silence me and quiet the pursuit. Trying to put words to my feelings at a time when the idea was forming merely on a color, an object, an odor, etc., the 'next step' would be swept away by the winds of logic.

There is relief. Not at losing Cutty, just at finding myself again. The movie 'War of the Roses' comes to mind. When that movie came out it did hit very close to home - the scene where she was just 'tired' of being the wife. She wanted to pursue her own interests without it making sense. She wanted her independence back without having to fulfill the obligations expected or bear the scrutiny of her spouse's judging. And when the husband thought he was having a heart attack she was overwhelmed with a sense of ... 'not grief' ... at the thought that she would be released from the confines of marriage without having to be 'the bad guy' and ask for a divorce. And once that didn't happen, and she did ask for a divorce, well, I won't tell you how it ends.

So yes, there are some feelings wherein I recognize I was frustrated but made it through the 'worse and sickness' of the vows when I wanted to run for the hills instead of watching my own youth slip away and wondered if there would be anything left of 'me' if I ever returned to being on my own.

And now I am. On my own. No one giving me weird looks over the odd shaped bottle or telling me 'it would look better over there' instead of where I placed it. Collaboration in a relationship definitely has it's benefits but not when it's always (or at least it was in our marriage) 'anything BUT what you decided - that just can't possibly be right.' That of course is 'my' interpretation of how it felt based on repeated situations, not his actual words.

I don't sustain well on merely superficial conversations. Discussing weather, politics or the latest movie release leaves me drained; I think that's the introvert in me. I like meaningful discussions. Those have changed a lot with the internet and talk shows. Many people seem more willing to bare their souls now than two decades ago but it's more in the arena of decadence than humanity. I know this because strangers on airplanes would tell me every little detail of their fetishes but would react with insult if I asked 'what is your annual income'. How rude!

A new pub about a block away opens today; promising a 'Cheers' like atmosphere. I like to envision the image of being 'that mysterious yet intriguing woman who stops in for a draft and imparts pearls of wisdom as quickly as she departs' but in reality I'd likely be Cliff Claven, the boring geek one step away from game show contestant. I continue to scour the local 'daybook' for meetings of interest. The city manager has invited me to join the advisory board many times but I find politics a little too sticky for my pleasure.

I'll find it. I'll find my life. One day at a time.

Bella