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"I do not deserve it." I am realizing that when it comes to things I want out of life, those five words have played a far bigger role than they should have. The funny thing is that it was never, or at least almost never, something I realized I was feeling.. at least not consciously.
When the bills were starting to pile up and I would see someone less qualified earning more (sometimes much more) than me, why didn't I act? It wasn't just a matter of loyalty to my employer.
When the weight kept piling on year after year, why did I let it continue? It wasn't that I didn't notice.
When I saw that not having the correct certification or specific training was holding me back, why didn't I go and get them? It wasn't that I didn't think I was capable of it.
When I hit forty and still hadn't learned a foreign language, even though I had always wanted to, why didn't I do something about it? It wasn't that I thought I was too dumb to do it.
I suppose that some of the problem is that it is easier to continue on the way you always have than to make the effort to make a change. In some cases, the fear of rejection or failure may have played a part.
Until a year or two ago, I would have told you that "it definitely is not because I'm lazy." Now, I'm not so sure it was that true. (Actually I may not have even admitted to myself then that there was a real problem!)
Before, instead of trying to find the root of the problems, I'd talk myself out of acting with lines like "I don't have enough time." "I'm tired.", "It's too much work.", "I can't afford it." or "It's too risky."
As I make more and more changes in my life, however, I'm starting to realize that, at the heart of things, I never really felt I deserved what I had, much less what I wanted. I have a great wife, great kids, a steady job, reasonably good health and am generally pretty satisfied with life. How could I dare ask for more when I already have it so good?
The undercurrent of my thoughts was "I do not deserve it" regarding what I already had. How could I hope to feel like I deserved anything more?
There is nothing wrong with feeling that you deserve to make the most of your life. There is also nothing wrong with pursuing it as long as you aren't doing it at the expense of others. I've said that before, but saying it and accepting/believing it are not the same thing.
But things are changing. I'm starting to accept that I do deserve to be happy. I realize that I'm cheating myself (and my loved ones) if I don't make an effort to make the most out of life.
Now I'm finished with course I and II of a set of three conversational German courses. It is taking months, but what else do I have to do during my commute to/from work anyhow?
I am about to get an important certification related to my line of work. Also, this week I finally admitted to myself that I should have changed jobs long ago. Once I did, I knew it was time to move on. More specifically, it is still time to move on even if things don't work out with the company I have been interviewing with.
I shelled out $1,001 for a pair of online classes I'll need to get a couple more key certifications. These are ones that I really need to get a job somewhere else right now. No, I can't afford it. But it really is an investment. Having them will not only help me get a job, but will result in enough extra pay to cover their cost (plus the interest on the credit card) within a year.
There is another reason I did it though. It will force me out of my current job even if the "I don't deserve it" mindset sneaks in to distract me. The certifications won't mean a single penny extra for my pay if I stay... and that means I would be struggling to pay off that credit card charge if I don't follow through on my job change.
In other words I did it because, darn it, I do deserve to be making at least close to what others in my field are making. I'm not going to let self-doubt and the comfort of sticking with the familiar sidetrack me this time.
What does this have to do with weight loss? A lot actually. I deserve to be healthy and have energy. Giving up on the struggle or not putting in the effort needed to lose weight is cheating myself out of a better life. I did not do anything to deserve being overweight, tired and unhealthy. Now I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
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