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Holy Frickin' Cow!
I woke up this morning, feeling "heavy". I looked in the mirror, and I can literally SEE that I am bloated, retaining water, whatever it is.
So, I get on the scale, and I am 5 kgs(!!!!) heavier than Saturday morning's weigh-in.
5 kgs! That's 10 lbs!
What the hell?
I'm not even sure how this is possible. I keep telling myself that it's OBVIOUSLY not a five kg fat gain (that would require an excess of about 35,000 calories over the last three days - I think I would have noticed that!), but still... where does it come from? Surely yesterdays (or the day before) dinner and food choices couldn't do this (even if I did bad yesterday - more on that in a moment)?
Is it nerves because of stress at work to finish up as much as I can? Is it because of the surgery coming up? I don't know, but this really really freaked me out. I am a notch out in my belt, too. Well, that is - I am still in that same hole in the belt, but it's not comfortable. I'm gonna keep it there though, to remind me that there is no turning back and that I better make sure to be comfortable here.
I know what some - if not all - of the problem is. Yesterday, we had an all-day class, with no access to water as I am used to having, and with a ridiculous amount of snacks available. I had a few - not too bad - but it kicked the carb frenzy into gear. I simply couldn't stop thinking about it, and after I left I went overboard. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was right back in the "Fat Kingkeld" mentality. I had chocolate, corn nuts, a huge dinner (though this wasn't too bad on the calories), and just couldn't stop. Tapping never occurred to me. How sad.
This was a horrible, horrible feeling - something I haven't felt for SO long. I felt a total loss of control, and I gave in - big time. I have to remember this guilt, I have to remember this feeling of failure, so I can pull it out of the bag next time I want something. I want to have it so I can hold it up against what ever bad treat I want but I don't need, ask myself if it's really worth it. The answer is clearly that it's not.
Now, of course I didn't snack away 35,000 calories yesterday, so I am thinking that most of the weight gain simply is retained water, and of course food processing in my system that is mainly screwing it up for me. I'm not gonna fool myself into thinking that I didn't overstep my RDI yesterday - because I did - but not to THAT extend.
Regardless, I need to do things to make ME feel that I am doing what I can.
Honestly, I feel like a MASSIVE failure this morning - and still do -, to be honest, and there is NO way for me to feel like I am doing what I can. I can - at best - feel that I am doing what I can to better this situation, but this morning's mindset has failure written all over it.
Yup. That bad. This is frickin' depressing. At least this kind of depressing won't make me feel like eating. It'll make me feel like grabbing a hold of my balls and get my ass in gear on this.
After I am done writing this, I will be on the bike. At least an hour, if not 90 minutes. At least this will make me feel that I am doing something about it.
I need to DO. Do. Do. Do.
As you can probably tell, my thoughts are all over the place this morning. This weigh-in really threw me off. I can't weigh 84 kgs. Not today. Not ever again. This really scares me. I don't ever want to see even a fluke weigh-in at this level ever again.
So, this is the strategy:
Today:
A LIGHT breakfast. I had my two eggs, will skip the bread. No carbs for me today. Only thing that'll fill me up properly. Added fiber.
TONS and MORE TONS of water. I will try to flush all this out, hopefully in as little as a couple of days.
Lunch? Well, it was gonna be a sandwich from yesterday, but I will have to rethink that. Maybe simply skip the bread on it. We'll see what I do about it. Actually, I'll mix some tuna and some more eggs. That'll work.
Dinner? I have arranged salmon with some light sides. It'll work just fine, I think. Added fiber.
This should make me able to go through the day without hunger, and with plenty of protein to keep me going.
Oh, and no salt whatsoever.
I will drink a LOT of water, too. It does help flushing the system, and it does fill me up and will help me from getting hungry.
Then tomorrow morning I will weigh myself again and see what the scale says.
I will not enter these weigh-ins here on FS. It's simply too depressing. I hope I can knock it down before my Saturday weigh-in. That one WILL be registered, whether I like the number or not.
Wow. This is definitely a very different journal from me today.
I am tempted to re-write it all, and take away the confusion and desperation that I read in it. However, I think it's better to leave it as is. I think it's better to have it all out in the open, and deal with it, get moving, regrouped and focused.
Why is it so damn hard to get things straight? Is it still nerves about the surgery? I think it very well could be. I am nervous about it, and as the date comes closer, it ain't getting better. It's a scary thought, surgery, but at the same time I am really excited about it. It's a strange feeling, this mixed bag of emotions.
Anyways, if I want time to ride the bike, I need to get going.
So, today I am NOT thankful for:
- GAINING 10 lbs. What the hell? I am soooooooooooo mad at myself.
I am, however, thankful for:
- Discovering the damage, so I can try to fix as much as possible.
- Promising myself to not let this happen again.
- Focus on correcting it.
...looking at the big perspective of things, I am still 71 kgs away from my starting weigh-in. It's not that everything is ruined. It's just that I am SO close to my surgery. I am SO close to the finalizing of this whole deal. I am so close to everything, literally days away, when this happens. I don't need this. I need to be better.
I don't think they'll pull me away from surgery or anything. It's been approved, and I'm sure they see things like this happen all the time. However, I do not in ANY way feel comfortable facing the doctors the day after tomorrow and having to explain why I am so much heavier than I was two months ago, when I had my lowest weigh-in ever - EVER - on the very day I went for the interview and evaluation.
Still, I can do this. Focus is on. Bike is waiting for me, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm gonna find a pumping soundtrack and go DO SOMETHING.
Life is good.
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 Comments
Hmmm, sorry that is happening King. I know you know what to do. It sucks for sure, but it certainly has to be a fluke. I dont see you sitting at buffets all day since Saturday, which is what it would take for that to happen. And you certainly arent a failure, just pull up your weigh loss chart to see that.
13 Jun 12 by member: posterchild66
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So sorry to read your journal today and feel your frustration and bewilderment. I am sure the lack of water had lots to do with it...... How ridiculous, to not have any water available at the class. In future, you should take a bottle of water with you. I don't like buying bottled water, but always take my running water bottle with me.... However, sometimes that isn't 'appropriate' and then, I do buy a bottle (the empty bottle can then be chucked). Maybe you could buy a couple of bottles and keep in your desk at work, for such occasions - or buy a running bottle that you can fill up.
Will you need to buy water for your hospital visit? Maybe they won't have much available - although DW can bring some in for you - you can investigate whenyou go on Friday.
Hope it sorts itself out soon. Xx
13 Jun 12 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
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I really feel for you but you need to calm down, follow your plan and fill up on water - everything will be fine.
13 Jun 12 by member: Earthlady
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I'm sure it'll be fine, but this morning's weight discovery was SO disheartening! I'm drinking gallons of water today, hoping to flush everything out. So far so good. Lunch has been adjusted, it'll be a can of tuna along with two eggs, a little bit of spices and chili. Yum. I am perfectly fine with that.
I lasted 30 minutes on the bike. I was hoping for more, but that being said it was not a "journaling" bike ride, but a full focus, LOUD pumping music bike ride, and it was a lot more intense than what I normally do. After lunch I have a meeting two miles away from my office, and it's the last thing I'll be doing today. I have decided that I will simply walk there an back, to kick in more exercise. I don't think the exercise really matters at this point - if it's simply about a good feeling/weigh-in for Friday, but it matters to me. I need to have a sense of accomplishment and I need to feel that I am doing as much as absolutely possible to lose that weight again. I might even take another bike ride tonight, if I have the energy. We'll see.
13 Jun 12 by member: kingkeld
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wow, i can imagine how that amount of gain just floored you, but you sound like you are picking yourself up by your bootstraps and getting back on the horse to remedy it! but it just goes to show how one must be vigilant, so if there is a slip, you can go into attack mode fast! i have faith you are finding the solution and kicking its arse!
13 Jun 12 by member: Owsley
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Its arse is being kicked as we speak! Question is how much I can knock off my weight in such short time?
13 Jun 12 by member: kingkeld
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I think it's stress! Stress from work, subconscious nervousness over the surgery. Don't be too hard on yourself!
13 Jun 12 by member: Lindsay6384
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I think it is stress too! One bad day doesn't define you! Flush it out and do the right thing today. Stop beating yourself up, as you know that will not help matters AT ALL! But on a side note, have you tested your scale? My numbers were going up, 3lbs difference mid day with clothes at the docs. Tested my scale and it was ca-fluey. New scale this morning and it is 4lbs less the old scale from yesterday...You might just want to test it to be sure. And drink LOTS of water!
13 Jun 12 by member: jessabridge4444
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So sorry for your set back but you are doing all the right things and if it is fluid, which it surely is, it will drop off as quickly. I agree with the idea of no carbs today, and the exercise will make you feel good and in control. Exercise can make you hungry so be prepared for that too. Try to just breathe through this and cut yourself some slack. Yes you screwed up, and gave in, but that other King, the old fat one isn't dead, he's still in there, just waiting to pounce if you aren't vigilant. Try to reconcile with him or you will drive yourself crazy. Hope your day goes well and that you can cut yourself a little slack. You have ranted and vented and are back in control. So breath, honey, breath. I have no doubt that you are nervous. Surgery, any surgery is scary and what you are having done is really scary (to me at least). So - drink, breath, walk - relax, drop those shoulders. You are okay. Its done. Now onwards and downwards.
13 Jun 12 by member: sarahsmum
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Word. I feel you Kingkeld! But you should be able to knock off at least half that gain by friday since it's not real and you are already taking steps to reverse. Def get plenty of sweat sessions :) Don't fret my friend, you made it!
13 Jun 12 by member: bmccrary
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Hey King, the key is to forgive yourself and move on. You have come a long way baby, and inspired many on your way to the new King. Drink LOTS of the weight loss elixir called water. "The More You Drink, The More You Shrink". I drink 3+ liters per day. Mon Dieu, you're human!
13 Jun 12 by member: Prescat7
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It wouldn't hurt to add some lemon or cucumber slices into your water. These both help with reducing water weight! Don't beat yourself up. You didn't screw up THAT bad. You don't deserve the mental beating you just gave yourself. Chin up. You'll do better today.
13 Jun 12 by member: tglenna
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Oh, I am sorry, King! HUGS!
13 Jun 12 by member: ctlss
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If your diet calendar is accurate, there's little doubt in my mind that you're still undereating, and these massive fluctuations on the scale are a reflection of that. The solution is not to beat yourself and become even -more- strict. That's going to make matters worse. I'm telling you this because I went through the same process a year ago. After a prolonged calorie deficit, your body fat percentage is getting quite low. There is not that much left to make up for a continuing energy imbalance, and as the available fat reserves dwindle, your body increasingly relies on other sources of energy to make up that deficit. We'll leave aside for now the very nasty effects on your hormones that continued calorie deficit can have at low body fat levels. If a deficit of energy isn't being made up from body fat, it's going to come from lean mass - not just muscle, but everything else in your body that might provide some chemical energy and/or amino acids. Your glycogen is probably on empty. You're probably also drawing energy from your organ tissue, including your skin. Every time you take in a few more calories, getting close to your actual maintenance point, your body will use it for some triage, replenishing some of the labile reserves that you're inadvertently keeping on empty, because you're interpreting increases in the scale as increases in body mass, and therefore overeating. The answer is not to try to keep manipulating water weight levels. Eventually you'll have to make some peace with the idea that those 10-12 lbs are not body fat, and they will come back. Let me illustrate this with my own anecdote. Last summer I finally got my weight down to around 146.5. I had very, very little body fat left. As I was approaching that weight, every time I increased my calories a little bit, to get back to what I thought was maintenance, the scale jumped radically. I panicked and got even more strict. When I finally began lifting weights to rebuild some of the muscle mass that I no longer had, the scale went berserk. In the last two weeks of August, I gained 10 pounds, eating 2400-2500 calories per day. Starting September 1, I -increased- my calories to around 3100 to 3200 per day, with some days getting up to 3400. Even though I was eating substantially more than in the preceding 2 weeks, I gained about 2 pounds that entire month. (That was my goal, fortunately). I was not violating any laws of thermodynamics by putting on substantially less weight in September, despite eating substantially more than in August. The fact was, until September, I was still undereating. Running out of body fat, I was pulling energy from my own lean mass, and every time I gave myself a little more nutrition, those labile reserves were immediately refilling - and skyrocketing the scale. It took 2 weeks and change, but the scale leveled off. I'm writing this because I'm concerned that if you keep reacting to minor transient-mass increases on the scale, you are going to remain in a deficit and end up doing some significant long-term harm. Continuing a calorie deficit when you're at low body fat can, to put it bluntly, mess with your head. Badly. Bodybuilders getting ready for competitions are universally miserable trying to shed the last little bits of fat - because it's unpleasant and difficult, and plays havoc with a lot of hormones. If you're eating less 1700 calories per day, and getting several hours of activity - you're in that zone. I very strongly urge you to consider increasing your calorie intake slowly - maybe increasing by 250/day each week, and NOT panicking about the 10-12 lbs that you will put on quickly - because the scale will level off. But if you keep overcompensating for swings in the transient mass, you're still going to be writing journal entries like this one in a year. I've been there. It's not good for you, mentally or physically.
13 Jun 12 by member: Nimm
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Nimm - you are the godfather around here. Thanks for the very enlightening story!
13 Jun 12 by member: tglenna
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Nimm... The content of your reply makes a lot of sense, as I know KK's BF % is quite low. This is because his Drs said he had to be at 'x' BMI to qualify for his skin removal op. I think the 'system' is at fault here, as they have used BMI as the measure - which is a flawed measure..... Nevertheless KK had to 'comply' with this measure - however ridiculous it was. Once you get that 'weight' in your mind and are being measured by that by the system, it is hard to let go of it. Am confident, that once KK has had his op, he will start strength trainng and get to a reasonable calorie level, to maintain his 'correct' BF%...... Especially after loosing that excess skin...... In the meantime, I can fully appreciate why he is striving towards this weight.... It is a level that has been set by 'the medical profession' to reach his goal.
I say.... Good luck KK..... Go for your goal and get the op....... Then gradually build up to a reasonable calorie intake, include strength training to build muscle and cardio to improve stamina. :-)
13 Jun 12 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
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@sk1nnyfuture: Being given a threshold weight without regard to body composition is a mistake, I agree with you. On the other hand, I did see a lot of self-flagellation in his post that is still counterproductive and more importantly, not justified. I just hope that after his surgery, he can break the reliance on the scale for...well, much of anything except very broad trends.
13 Jun 12 by member: Nimm
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King, we love you. Sending good thoughts your way. You can DO this. You've proven it. And you're back on the right track... don't beat yourself up. You'll be OK. Life IS good.
13 Jun 12 by member: Heidijoy
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It'll be back down tomorrow. I have no doubt. Definitely water rentention.
13 Jun 12 by member: Helewis
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Corn nuts? Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much sodium is in those things????!!!!! I don't know how many you ate, but there is 250 mg of sodium in 1/3 cup...something tells me you didn't stop with 1/3 cup :-) If that's the case, you need water, and lots of it to flush out that sodium....You'll be fine, king...you can do this!
13 Jun 12 by member: Baxie
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