Good morning!
Sigh..
Wow...
Yesterday was BAD. Bad, bad, bad!
If you read my journal yesterday you know I was off to a bad start. I was tired, hadn't slept right, felt worn down and even skipped my walk and the gym. I just had no strength.
Well, this was just the beginning.
All morning I was thinking about food. It was 100% a mental thing, I had no physical hunger. I recognized this early on, and just dealt with it, pushing through until lunch. I was pretty proud that I managed this, especially since my head wasn't in the right space for ANYTHING.
So, we got to lunch time, and Wife and I went to eat a pita. I had a nice, large one - it was very fulfilling, and reasonable on calories. I had 2100 calories to spend yesterday, and this was about 800 of those. Very good. I had the large version, with beef instead of ham, and with dressing and chili oil. This is why the amount of calories is so high. The one I normally eat is smaller, has ham and no dressing or oil - and is about 250 calories.
Anyways, I wanted to splurge some calories in order to get a decent meal and to avoid getting the urge for snacks later on.
Well, later on came charging full blast moments later. I just ate everything in sight the rest of the day. The Carb Monster was being a jerk like never before, and I just couldn't reel it in.
It's a good thing that I had to go teaching at 4:30PM, or I would simply have kept on eating, and it was bad enough already. It literally became another Indulgence Day.
It's incredible how much ones' mood can affect us. For me, it was clearly that. I found refuge from my exhaustion in the food. I didn't even want it, but that obviously didn't stop me.
I think I was - in a bizarre way - subconsciously looking for more energy. I turned to have sugar any chance I got. I think this could have to do with me being so exhausted and tired. I didn't meet ANY of my fitbit goals either.
Take a look. It really was a poor diet day. :/
So, the punishment is that I am WAY UP in weight today. I am 2½ kilos heavier than yesterday, when I had hoped to be a kilo down. Boo. Then again, there is NOTHING I can do about it but simply to move on.
...
So, what to do about it, with nothing to do about it?
Well, first of all I feel WAY better today. I had a good, solid night's sleep. This is a great beginning.
I'm happy that I at least stopped eating at 4:30 yesterday when classes began, and that I didn't eat anything when I came home. I am in no way hungry this morning - I usually have no morning hunger any longer, but it's even more underlined from being stuffed from yesterday - so I have no urge for breakfast.
My first meal will be lunch at 11 AM with Wife. We're eating here at work, no going out. I kinda see that going out can get me in trouble - there are simply too many places I can buy crap foods that I don't want. It's been a little TOO easy to get into the whole "a little won't hurt" philosophy as of late. It's probably not as bad as it sounds - it's been once or twice, and of course yesterday - but in my mind it's bad enough. Let's cut it out.
I don't want to go super low cal just to compensate. I'm a little afraid that if I go super low to make up for the excess of yesterday, then I'll simply end up having another day because I'm hungry.
No, instead I will shave off 500 calories per day or so, bringing me to 1600 calories instead of 2100. That's easy. Split in two meals, that's 800 a pop. No problem. The lasagna for lunch is 450, and I have brought two huge apples that would help me if I get munchy through the afternoon. They'll cose me about 150 calories if I have both, and then I'll STILL have 1000 left for dinner and maybe smoothie. It's the perfect plan, as long as I stick to it.
On the exercise side of things, I will make it a point to be more active today and all other days. I'm generally good, as you know I reach my goal on a pretty much daily basis. It's been very very few days that I haven't reached my goals - actually I often go way beyond them!
Today, I am already far ahead. It's now 8:48 AM, and my stats says:
Calories burned: 1321 of 2800 goal
Steps: 8501 of 10000 goal
Kilometers traveled: 7.42 of 8 km goal
Active minutes: 49 of 30 min goal.
I'd say I'm doing pretty good. It's still early morning.
On top of this, I'll be spending ALL day standing up at work. It doesn't do A LOT, but it does give an extra burn of a couple of hundred calories or so. It all counts.
...and of course - NO FRICKIN' BAD FOOD!
...
I can not express how annoyed I am with the mishaps yesterday. I feel like I just threw aside all that I know and all that I am good at. If I could, I'd just tear that day out of the calendar, and start over.
So that's what I'm gonna do. Simply start over. Go a little lower in calories from today and through to Friday, have my Indulgence Day Saturday and then just back to normal, as I am supposed to.
If there are gonna be Low Cal Days now and then, then they'll happen. I wouldn't be surprised.
Maybe that's one of the things I need to focus a little more on. I used to have two of them per week, not long ago. Mostly for the health benefits of doing it, and to keep me humble to my weight loss.
I can't exactly say I was humble yesterday, that's for sure. Maybe I need to get into that groove again.
...
I think some of the issue - also yesterday - was boredom. This week is ridiculously quiet here at work. There is literally nothing for me to do. Nothing. Nada. Zip. At all. I have all the time in the world.
This makes the days long, and it makes sticking to a restricted amount of calories harder than usual. When I get bored, I want to eat - and eating is bad when you're bored.
So today, I have tried to prepare myself a little. First of all by bringing HEALTHY things to eat. Apples. Also bringin sugar free soda - Pepsi Max - in case I want something else.
I also brought entertainment in the shape of audio books. Later on, if the day starts feeling long, I will sneak in an ear piece and listen to my book. I just need to get through this week as easy and snack free as absolutely possible.
...
It really shouldn't be all that difficult to stay away from the snacks. I don't understand why I get this now and then.
Is it because I am STILL not mentally ready to reach goal, I wonder? I had this thought a short while ago, and kind of concluded that maybe I just wasn't there yet. Maybe I needed to prepare myself better to reach goal, to have surgery for all that is to come next.
Here's another thought: Maybe I'm scared of having to skip gym for months after my surgery? Could this be why I self-sabotage? Could this be the answer I'm looking for?
This IS something that bothers me. When I have the surgery later this year, I will be shunned from gym for a while, while I'm healing. There will be NO training at all for a while, probably 5 weeks or so, and the a while where training will feel very uncomfortable. It's something I'll just have to deal with.
I'm not looking forward to that. Actually, I think that worries me a lot more than the actual surgery. The surgery itself doesn't worry me at all. It's a smaller adjustment, and I really want it done. The worst part is behind me.
My plan for the gym is pretty simple. As soon as I am well enough to hang out at the gym, I will start going at the same time as I'd normally go work out. I think this is a good idea simply to "stay connected". Once we stop going, it's a lot harder to get back into the whole thing. So I am hoping that I will not have as much trouble getting back into things if I still go a few times a week, if for nothing else than to drink coffee and harrass the owner. :)
...
So, today is quiet day. Audiobooks will hopefully be my savior. That, and this journal. I'm writing this from work today, simply to kill time. So far, it works.
...
Oh, and I gotta tell you about my walk today! Well, actually, "my run" today. I think I ran about 60% of my 5k route today. I didn't bring my backpack, as I wanted more free movement, and I felt that I was much more able to run. I did as much as I could, and had it not been from the slight feeling of a strain in my left thigh, I could have easily kept going. I had to restrain myself from running the last kilometer, as it would start nagging too much in my thigh when ever I would try to run. I don't want injuries, so I figured it'd be smarter to listen to my body and just walk the rest.
I usually do my walk in 55 minutes. My walk/jog/run today was a little over 40 minutes. Not bad, I think.
I'm still not a big fan of running, but it's nice to see now and then that I can do it. I do wanna be able to run a 5K, and I am sure I could work myself up to that if I really wanted. Trouble is, I don't really want to dedicate to it, as it's gonna be yet another thing I would have to commit to, and to spend more time doing. ...and then on the other hand I already walk the five kilometers. I could just make it a habit to NOT bring my backpack (I walk right by home when I am done walking, and I just pick it up when I am done and start walking to work), and make it a habit to run as much as possible, walk when I need a break, and get back into running when I feel that I can. That should help me get there, I figure.
Of course, there will be the issue of resting days. I do think I'd need resting days from running. I don't really feel that I need resting days from walking though. I'm so used to walking, it doesn't bother me. I'm on my feet all day anyways.
Maybe it would simply be enough to walk every single day, and every other day make my walk a run - as much as I can handle? Would that work?
I know that there are several great "couch to 5k" apps out there, and I have checked out several of them, in an attempt of getting better at running. My issue with them is that I find them kind of annoying. I feel that they just don't sit comfortable with me, and that they aren't too stabile.
I like listening to MY music or to a book when I move, and I find it hard to combine these two things, if I also need an app to keep track of my running. In that case I feel that I can better handle simply jogging the distance as much as I can, until I can tell that I need a break, then simply walk a while until I've caught my breath and my legs have calmed down, and the start jogging/running again.
I think I jog more than I run. I'm no sprinter, and I have no intention of becoming one. I think that if I am to become a runner, then longer distance is a lot more interesting, and my challenge would be to go further rather than faster. I'm perfectly happy starting with 5K, and maybe one day be able to do this. Then I can always work on things from there.
And again, I'm in no hurry.
...
So, today is easy. It's quiet. Food is lasagna. It's apples. And it's some kind of dinner. I promised to cook today, but honestly I have no idea what to serve. I want it to be a reasonable meal, maybe to create a larger calorie deficit, but it's not a be-all-end-all thing. Anything goes, really, as long as I am within the 1600 calories I have decided I want to have today.
I'll have to spend some of my downtime at work looking at recipes online. Maybe I can find something fun and interesting. Then again, we just might do burgers. :) We'll see.
...
Today, I'm thankful for:
- The ability to get back on my feet after a BAD day yesterday.
- Quiet days at work. No drama.
- Coffee.
- Sleep.
- Running most of my walk today.
- Wife!
- Staying good today.
Life is good!