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Journal #2 of the Day of Reckoning... first the scale & now...
My friends, it's time to journal about what I've learned from my recent transgression. My thoughts are a bit jumbled, so I'm hoping writing them out will clarify it for me. If I totally lose you, I completely understand!
I think the biggest lesson is the fact that I live a double life. On the outside to everyone except all of you, I am an outgoing extrovert who easily cares for my DH & sons, my mother with Alzheimer's, my MIL who was widowed 1 year ago next week as well as DH's 5 siblings and their families in various ways as bookkeeper, sister, confidant, hostess, etc. But on the inside, I'm an introvert who while I love a good party & to have fun with friends, one or two social events per week is enough. So, the 2-week long DH family reunion really pushed me over the edge. And even though I tried to take time for myself each day, it wasn't enough & I felt guilty doing so. So, lesson learned -- I need to be more open about my needs & find a way to stop feeling guilty about them. (Haven't figured out how you do that though?)
How/what I eat also has a double life of its own. In public & in general, I eat extremely healthy -- I'm lucky to truly love vegetables, fruit, lean proteins, etc., but when I'm stressed, tired or otherwise out of sorts emotionally, I crave sugar. The double life comes to play that I rarely eat it with others. I sneak it or save it for when I can eat it alone.
I've started opening up to DH about my need to not socialize too much (he'd do so all the time if he could) & he's trying to be supportive but doesn't really get why this change. And I've been trying to figure out why the increased struggle with sugar in the past year or so, but blame aging & menopause (as I do for so much), plus my Mom's diagnosis & the passing of my FIL. While I know I also have to open up about the sugar struggles, I'm just not ready yet but the thought is feeling less scary over time.
In connection to the double life issues, the constant socializing was exhausting for me & didn't allow me as much time as I've grown to love to journal, be here with all of you, pray, meditate, etc. This added insult to injury & compounded my stress. Not to belabor it all, but add to that the arguments with DH leading up to the reunion, the stress of the party itself & then becoming the peace maker between MIL & my SILs. Did I tell you that MIL even started overly attaching to me/praising me, I think in a way to get back at the girls? it really all ended well, but there were some tense times.
So, what could I do differently if there is a next time? Discourage reunions of that length of time & if all else fails, come up with an excuse to leave early! Continue to open up about my needs & struggles. Go back to logging my food during potentially stressful times & on trips. Take time for myself, as much as needed, and don't feel guilty about it!
Sorry this got so long, but boy has it once again helped to get it all out. And, while there's still a lot about me to sort out, that's what this journey is all about, isn't it? I'm just so lucky & grateful to have you along for the sometimes bumpy ride! xoxox
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