|
So, Its Wednesday, again.
After a terrible, terrible monday and tuesday last week, I sort of 'gave up'.
Weightloss was stressing me out too much.
Its been one week since I have been on FS. I have a whole new perspective on eating now.
Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I ate as I normally would while 'eating healthy/dieting', At first, not counting calories was nerve-wrecking. I even had to stop myself from counting them in my head, or writing them down through out the day.
But, anyways, I binged on all three nights (no purging though).
I would go to bed stuffed and wake up with the infamous food hang over.
So each morning, I would tell myself, "I am not going to over eat tonight... im not!" And to my dismay, I would.
On Sunday, I ate as I normally did all day, but didnt eat dinner. I figured if I didnt start eating at all, I couldnt overeat.
That night, I couldnt sleep because my quads and head hurt so badly.
When I woke up on monday morning, I could have eaten a whole IHOP breakfast. I was starving.
I remember crying and being miserable, and thinking to myself, "I cant not eat dinner for the rest of my life. But I dont want to binge and purge anymore, either. This has to stop."
I binged on the days i was eating 'healthy', when i was sticking to my 'diet' or the 'correct' way of eating.
So i looked up "Symptoms of Inadequate Calorie intake"
And it turns out, I have/had all of them.
Cold hands & feet- I cant tolerate the cold whatsoever, and I think its comfortable when its 98 outside. One day when it was blazing outside, I sat in my fiance's car with no air on, all the windows up and i didnt break a sweat. The hot car felt good to me.
Dry skin & hair- I was constantly putting lotion on my elbows, needs and hands because they were so dry. My hands even bled.
Headaches/ Muscle aches- I believe I mentioned in a previous journal that I had a constant headache that would NEVER go away. I'd go to sleep with it and wake up with it. My eyes hurt so much that my vision was blurry. And of course, you all know about my quads hurting so badly that I couldnt sleep at night. They ached so unmercifully.
Dizziness/syncope- Every time I would get up, I would feel as if i was going to fall back down.
Lethargy/low energy- no matter how much sleep I got, I would feel tired, like I wanted to go back to sleep at 2 in the afternoon. And I would feel exhausted even doing something like walking up the stairs.
low concentration- yep, had that too
poor decision capacity- *check mark*
Irritability- especially with my mom, but sometimes, I just didnt want to be "bothered" by anyone.
Depressed mood- I would get depressed about weightloss, the car accident I was in, the fact that i am not in 'real' school, my looks, my body, everything. Just beat myself up about every little thing.
Low libido- my fiance is a very understanding man, lets just say that.
missed periods- I didnt realize that I dont remember the last time i went through TOM. I have often thought it was coming, but never did.
Social withdrawal- and because i was in such bad moods, i never wanted to see my fiance, go anywhere or anything.
Food obsessions- this one was obvious. I would google pictures of food, read about food, look up recipes, think about my next meal.
And lastly, as embarrassing as it is to say this lol
Constipation- I NEVER have a bm, and when I do, its only the tiniest bit and, yeah, you can imagine.
"But I am eating 1200-1400 calories some days," I told myself.
I didnt understand. "And I am exercising 2-4 hours every other day religiously. And I am not losing any weight!" And then I thought, maybe 1200-1400 isnt enough.
"What? No! It seems like such a high, high number to me!"
I have all these symptoms, but I have ignored them. I was in denial. I was so focused on weight loss that the way I felt really didnt matter to me.
According to every calorie-calculator i have worked my sex, age height, weight and activity level into, I should be having 1600-1800 calories TO LOSE WEIGHT. To maintain, I could get away with eating 2200-2400 with regular execise. I shouldnt be cutting my calories lower than my BMR, which is 1580.
I am beginning to accept that I am not a paper doll. I am not the average woman who should be able to comfortably consumer 1400 calories a day to lose weight. Awhile ago, i said I was practicing intuitive eating, and now I look back, and I dont feel I truly was. I tried, but I still didnt honor my hunger, which lead to not respecting my fullness when it overwhelmed me.
I'm 5'9, 160-something pounds, and pretty active. I exercise, plus do all the errand-running, laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. I dont know what my optimum number of calories is. I really dont.
Since monday, I have abandoned calorie counting completely.
I am eating healthy food, but I just dont care about calories or what time I eat. And I havent binged. I dont feel a need to now because I dont have a lot of those symptoms, including the headaches or feeling like I want to cry 24 hours a day. I dont feel depressed about eating until I am comfortable, and once I am, I have found it easy to push food away.
For the past two days I have been comfortable. And after feeling this, I dont want to go back to being in so much pain all the time. So now the only concern I have is my weight. I am scared I will gain weight back or wont lose any anymore.
I hope someone can learn something, anything, from reading my journals. If you are experiencing this, please, consider rethinking your plans and actions. Now that I know what it feels like to just be comfortable, I dont understand how I survived for almost 6 months going through this cycle.
Oh, another interesting thing I found... when I am satisfied with my food, I do not crave junk food! When I was grumpy and sick, and had that headache, I craved carbs and fat all the time. So while thinking about food, I would google images of cupcakes, brownies, and ice cream. What the hell? lol
I'm actually hungry now. Time to go honor my hungry lil stomach with some real food.
|