showing entries 6 to 10 of 15
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17 April 2014

I think I am settling into this. Putting meat and vegetables on my plate and calling it a meal is becoming normal. I am not really doing "low" carb, but moderate carbs so that I am allowed some flexibility. Tonight hamburger steak and a lettuce salad with Crystal Light was dinner and I didn't even get upset because I couldn't put my hamburgers on a bun like everyone else. Since getting the Crystal Light, I am no longer obsessed with Pepsi and sweet tea and I feel like this is just becoming normal life. Emotionally, it is wonderful to be free of the intensity of the cravings and the obsession with bingeing that I have always had and physically I already feel leaner and less "puffy". Those are wonderful motivators. My daughter had her boyfriend over today and I didn't even let myself feel guilty because I didn't have snacks in the house. I cooked dinner at six and we all ate together, but there were no chips, cookies, soda, ice cream bars, or crackers to munch on in between meals. This was huge for me because I am not only an eater, but a big "feeder" as well, and I have always put out food when anyone drops by. Letting go of the feeling that I have to take care of others at my own expense is a big step forward. One day closer to eating to live and not living to eat-YAY!

16 April 2014

Today I am really thankful beyond words for the support of my 15 year old son with this health/weight journey. He has the same fatal attraction for sweets and processed foods I have and I have often used him as my excuse to keep my trigger foods in the house. Now, though, he is suddenly completely on board with getting healthy with me and is telling me NOT to buy cupcakes or ice cream (believe me this has NEVER happened before) and together we picked out some fresh berries today and ate them together in the car. It was really a total shift in direction for us, because we have both always just been total carb addicts. Knowing I am setting a recovery example for him motivates me to keep going even when it is hard and doesn't feel worth it. He wants to be in the Navy and will need a strong body nourished by healthy foods to thrive in that environment. Today, I dedicate my health journey to him, my precious son, who needs a mother who is a better role model than I have been for most of my life in this area.

15 April 2014

I just logged in and changed my goal weight. I had recorded it as 120 pounds and now it is 130. I originally put 120 pounds because my weight doctor and my husband thought that was my ideal weight. Some chart says that is my ideal weight. But, you know what? As a woman who has lived in this skin for 45 years with adult weights ranging from a low of 110 to a current high of 165, I know myself better than anyone else, particularly anyone else male. I am not male bashing here, but something about having a guy who has never been pregnant, hormonal, perimenopausal, etc....tell me what I should weigh just does not feel good to me today. So, today my goal weight is reset to MY GOAL WEIGHT not anybody else's. After my daughter was born, I weighed about 130 for a couple of years and I felt fabulous at that weight. Curvier than at my thinnest, about a size 8, and just totally womanly and soft but not over the line. I want to feel that way again, lovely and curvy and confident. I remember 120 well, since I weighed that from ages 18-27 and I think I was a tad too lean. It may not seem like such a big deal to anyone else, but to me, it feels very important to establish that what I feel about my body is more important than what anyone else tries to make me believe.

13 April 2014

I am hanging on by a thread with that pitcher of sweet tea and homemade rice pudding in the fridge staring me down. I have decided that if the kids don't finish them off today, they are going down the disposal right before I go to bed. Monday is a great day for a fresh start and I can't stare at this stuff all day and not give in (like last night--the "bite" of rice pudding JUST BEFORE BED--UGH-that turned into 3 or 4 bites-darnit!). So, today I will just have to try to ignore it and if it is still there tonight, I am getting rid of it. I deserve to be healthy more than my kids "deserve" sweets. My son has my sugar addiction anyway, so the best thing I could ever do for them is to hide my mixing bowl and just find another hobby besides baking. Since moving into this house with three huge empty flower beds, I should probably focus on planting and growing and beautifying my home, which is a lovely and permanant way to spend my time rather than in the kitchen following my favorite set of instructions known to man, which begin with the words "cream butter and sugar....".

12 April 2014

Today was a day in which triggers abounded. I attended a birthday party with my youngest child and the cake was beautiful, chocolate and vanilla with lovely purple frosting with sugar crystals on top. I wanted it so bad it was just terrible, but for some reason, I didn't fail. This was a huge milestone, because I have never in my entire life not eaten birthday cake when it is available. I am so triggered by the fluffy, pretty frosting and the decorations and the spongy cake that I always eat at least two pieces. Today, though, I didn't, and that is just HUGE for me. Yay, me! There were also grilled hotdogs, several kinds of chips, and Hawaiian Punch there and I love hotdogs and chips and Hawaiian Punch is an old childhood favorite that I almost never have, but never turn down when it is around. So, I avoided birthday cake, ice cream, Hawaiian Punch, chips, hotdogs, buns, and pinata candy at this party and I feel like a rock star. I just finished dinner and ate almost two pork chops and a bowl of pinto beans, lots of fat and fiber, so I am physically full, but still want a glass of sweet tea or a bowl of warm rice pudding to make me feel complete. This obsession over food is such a drag. I wish I could channel my husband for even one day of my life and be totally indifferent to food. That would be like a miracle, unfortunately, one I will probably never know.

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