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SO much going on. Not sure what to say of it.
Thinking about getting skates early though (which is cheating not waiting for my goal, but not if I actually use them because that is one more way to exercise) as I put myself on the waiting list for debu-taunts. The minor minor leagues of derby for the fall. We will see. I am nervous because it is a big investment with skates and saftey gear and the last big splurge I did for my bday--my lovely guitar. Umm I havent been practicing. I haven't learned a whole song.
I must say that even though it's only been a few days back into this keeping track of what I eat and getting myself to the gym for a half hour every other day (not a lot in comparison to where I was) it is comforting. Not in the same way a pint of Ben & Jerry's is comforting but comforting in the sameness of something to count on. I can use that kind of comfort. There isn't alot in my life I feel like I can count on. Well, the person I want to be able to count on I havent been able to as I'd like.
Not sure how long many of you have been reading this but if you have been reading for a while you might remember I am in a relationship with a married man. I have been for near enough to 5 years to call it basically that. About a month ago he did a 180 on me and called us on a break because he realized that though his marraige has been broken since before he and I have met he feels he has to give it one last Hoorah of a chance before he can leave her. Basically, for us everything has been the same (besides the first 10 days or so of the break) except I can't count on the things he promised me over the years. The biggest thing is -him leaving her for me- and us having a family.. etc. He is giving this last big try a time limit. He said he will let me know if the marriage is workable on a practical level and he is willing to give up actual romantic love and just being loved for being him and not just being loved for his providing a meal ticket and a place to live (whateverwhateverwhatever not going any further down that path), anyways September is when I will know if everything was for nothing. I am trying not to think about that. I am trying to be brave and keep hoping and hoping and hoping.
Last night I met her. Well she spoke to me. It was like drowning on land. He said I looked like I was expecting to be attacked. I suppose I was because. She would be in the right. Everything I would say to her would just be to hurt her. And make me feel better. Even if I can say it would be for her to know the truth about the things he doesnt tell her the truth about. I am going to stop here. This is not the place. But this is what is happening. And causing a great amount of stress.
The kind of stress you think I would give into my old ways of comfort. And it's not that I am being super healthy I am just limiting myself again in the food department. I still need to regulate what kinds of food I am putting inside me. To do that I need to go shopping. I will this weekend. I promise. Anyways I am down about 4 lbs so far this week. Hoping I will get back to 80 lbs gone sometime near the end of next month. That is a lot to hope for but I know I can do it if I try.
I am just going to keep hoping and keep trying. That is all I can do. That is all that makes sense.
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274.2 lb
Lost so far: 64.8 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 4.2 lb a week
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