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Feeling better today. I got to see him yesterday and we made love for perhaps the last time. I convinced him I had a rain check on it as last wednesday he drove me through an hour of traffic that normally takes 20 min at best-- for intentions to have some time for fun. And he couldnt stay. Because traffic took too long.. It was nice to feel loved by him even if for a half hour. I got to take some pis of us. I didn't do that enough. There is so much I want to do with him that I didn't get to do. I know that his reasoning is good. Because it is for his son that is why he is trying. He wants to be there to protect his son. And he cannot leave her without a clear conscience unless he knows he gave it his all. He said he needs to make sure things are truely dead between them before it can be our time. Which hurts but I KNOW he still loves me like has never loved anyone and likely always will and I will do my best to not get bitter about him. Because I havent ever loved like this before. And I still want to love him no matter what. I have never given so much of myself to someone that I thought I would break but realized I am stronger and I can give more. And I have learned more than I can say. So now I need to learn to love him even if he ends up not with me. And then eventually maybe I can learn a new love with someone else. I hope I don't have to. I hope we can just keep growing our love after this break. Because even though it has been tough. I know if we get a chance to be together it will be better than any word can describe. I know it.
In either case my next tattoo is planned. We will finish the bird tattoo in september. On the 4th anniversary of what would have been our first childs due date. We were waiting to get the tatoo until we were ready to have a child on purpose. And I made a promise to myself i would stick it out after giving up the option for the first child. Which is never something I thought I would do, ever. I intend to keep that promise until he tells me it is no longer an option with him and him being there for that tattoo should help me let go of that promise that I didn't break it but tried harder than I thought I would have to or ever could. And if by chance things work in my favor then while it wouldnt happen right away, i know it is ok that it will happen because he knows he can devote himself too me and not feel bad about not trying to work things out with her.
(i know i sound silly, but i am ok with it)
I am trying not to regret so much.
So far the only good thing that is happening is I no longer feel hungry. I am forcing myself to eat. Hence weight loss. That and lots of water drinking to keep myself hydrated from all these tears.
Getting my last wisdom tooth out today. Trying not to be anxious. I went to the gym this morning. Something new for me. It was nice. I only cried a little. I knew I would because music always makes me think of him. I love him. So much.
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262.2 lb
Lost so far: 76.8 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 7.0 lb a week
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