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Blech, it seems I am in yoyo season. :-/ Thankfully the (unfortunately numerous) moments of indiscretion are not contributing to greater regression, but fessing up about it still sucks. (I wish I was naturally/ effortlessly more cheerful/ optimistic, but I am alternately more idealistic or highly jaded instead.) I think this past week has been harder than usual. Grinch mode was active a lot. There were several melt down and cry moments, but as typical of my life, things seem to average out over all. The weekend was a lot of fun (outside the few angst-y moments of course).
I was reminded of several things about myself;
- I don't adapt well to change naturally
- Coming off of a high point (like a big social event) I am much more prone to sink into a depression, but redirection is really effective for combating this. (I.e, instead of sulking, regroup and plan ahead. What's the next item on the agenda?/ Let inertia work for, NOT against me.)
- I really can't think clearly when I get really upset.
- It's ok to give myself an allowance for strong emotion, but I still need to rule over my spirit. (I have a really severe anger problem. I've had it most of my life. For a long time I didn't recognize it because it often outwardly manifests as depression. When I am very angry- as in fuming, raging, wanting-to-be-destructive angry- and I feel powerless to change things, the anger changes from rage to deep sorrow.) No matter how I feel, I am still a wife and a mom- jobs that don't really offer time off sick. I don't have to be perfect, but I cannot allow myself to wallow when I get overwhelmed. I have to find a way to get back to being functional. Learning how to communicate better, having a good cry, and doing constructive activities all help. I need to pray more too. Oftentimes my prayer during moments like those is just, "G-d, I can't do this without you. Please help!")
- The more wounded I feel, the more selfish I allow myself to be. I need to be aware of who I am looking out for, and who I SHOULD be looking out for.
- Even during these really humbling/ embarrassing moments of dysfunction I can see that I am a different, healthier person than I used to be because I am more self aware of my thought processes and able to shift away from negative behavior more readily than before. (It is still hard work in either case.)
- Outwardly I think I have a better than average self discipline with my words/ actions. Inwardly I have little self discipline with my thoughts. I let myself become a fuming, malcontent rage monster a lot and I guess I get anxious about my relationship with G-d because people often compare that vertical relationship with human parenthood and maternity. However, I see myself acting/ thinking towards my daughter (the older one) the way I fear G-d sees me sometimes and it isn't loving or patient. I am aware that I am not very loving or patient, but often feel unwilling and/or unable to change without some external change in my environment coinciding my own efforts.
- I am wary of contributing to future rivalry between my girls because my older daughter often reminds me of my failings/ insecurities and this makes the relationship with her much harder for me. I find a lot of comfort in being around my younger daughter usually, (and by correlation typically frustration with the older one). I keep looking to my feelings as a gauge for my love. I know this is bad/ detrimental/ heretical, etc. I guess it is at least somewhat good that I notice the issue, but better would be changing it. I need to remind/ ask myself, "Even if she were being the biggest brat in the world/ if she never appreciated what you do for her and tested you relentlessly everyday for the rest of your life, would you die for her?" When I frame it that way, it's easier to remember that I do love her. Rather than just pursuing some vain satisfaction of personal martyrdom I know that if I am willing to die for her when she is at her worst, I can live and endure the frustration for the sake of working towards her wellbeing.
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148.5 lb
Lost so far: 23.5 lb.
Still to go: 18.5 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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gaining 1.0 lb a week
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