MrsTofu's Journal, 23 May 2014

A major obstacle I struggle with is performance anxiety. By this I mean this pressure to do or be at a high level of functioning or excellence on an ongoing basis. While I definitely struggled with it as a teen and had horrible depression back then, I realize now as a Believer, an adult with a very different, better life, that that struggle still remains. If anything it's gotten warped a little in an insidious and perhaps heretical way that I am slow to realize until I am in the thick of it.

What happens is that I feel like as a Christian, I have to embody the epitome of Christian values and work ethic all the time because the world is watching me, judging me, and waiting at a hair trigger to condemn both me and My G-d. Now the being disliked part is personally undesirable and unpleasant, but I kind of feel like I could deal with it if it were just that. I felt mostly ostracized as a kid, so what would be any different facing that kind of loneliness now? Also, if I am being rejected or persecuted FOR my being authentic about my faith (and not simply for being obnoxious either religiously or otherwise), that means I must be doing something right because look who else was rejected and persecuted? Joseph. David. The prophets of old. Martyrs throughout history. Even G-d Incarnate was despised and reviled. These people were striving for and attained something greater the fame, fortune, or the praise of man; their reward is incorruptible. If I am in their company, then that is something to be glad of because that is something worthwhile.

However, I don't often feel like that's the case. I don't necessarily feel like I'm rejected because of something noble like that. Often I feel like if I am rejected, it's because I am an idiot/ fool and I earned that. Also, I become paranoid that the moments where I fail to keep G-d's standard will make me guilty for the souls of other people who refuse to reconcile with Him. Nothing like hypocrisy to send people running amok in every conceivable direction except the one they need.

The problem though is that I fail to allot for G-d's grace, both to myself and others. I tend to be very intellectual, but perhaps not very rational, so I have trouble when concepts don't make sense to me. I was reluctant to accept G-d's atoning sacrifice because I knew I didn't deserve it. I hate the idea of debt. I hate the idea of not being able to give something in return because it reminds me of how inadequate and helpless I can feel and can be. Those aren't things I like to think about or notice. However, my intellectual mind resisted grace until I realized that nothing I could do would prevent G-d from experiencing the suffering that grace cost Him. When I realized that it was more about what He deserved instead of what I deserved I had to relent. How could I take so lightly such a huge gift and not appreciate what was done for me?

So my life changed a lot- in some immediate ways, but also in gradual ways. And yet whenever there have been low points, when I've made mistakes, I see myself getting anxious or paranoid because I don't want to be the reason someone else rejects G-d. Others may. Some of my own family may. Friends may. Various people may resist G-d their whole lives, and then learn the hard way what a mistake that was. That is a painful thing to think about. It's painful wondering if my grandparents who have died are really at peace. One of my grandmas died of complications to a stroke. On her death bed she was telling family that was present that she wasn't ready, that she didn't want to go. I've wondered sometimes if part of those statements weren't based on a fear of death, but an awareness of what we be on the other side.

As I get older I see more people die around me- some at ripe old ages, and others not much different than me or even much younger than I am. Death is a loss. With loss there is a desire to comfort, but what if the words of comfort only serve to offer false hope? What a cruel thing that seems to me, yet nothing can be done for those who are dead. Only the living have hope; the dead either are lost or are resting in the hope they received while alive, but we can't really know who's who this side of heaven.

So what I find myself left with is this semi rational, internal pressure to perform because, if I'm wearing the team jersey and performing like an all star on the court, maybe spectators will respond when the coach looks to enlist them. When I can articulate it for what it is I realize how stupid and reprehensible the notion is, so full of vanity, that I somehow need to be superwoman or else the grace of G-d won't be evident to those who know me. I know I am not perfect. I sometimes feel uncomfortably and intimately aware of that concept.

I am less familiar with grace, and honestly I don't understand grace at all. My intellectual mind keeps trying to decode it or find some formula, somehow assume some responsibility so that I could have some control over the welfare of people I love and save them from horrors they can't possibly imagine. The truth is, I can't do that, and when I try I cheat them of the true meaning of grace. I'm such a failure in ways I can't even begin to express and define. I am not saying that to put myself down. I also know I am loved beyond comprehension and that I am valued beyond gold or jewels or any treasure in this world. And yet, I am at G-d's mercy and subject to His grace just as everyone else is. This is something I cannot fathom and therefore I often misunderstand and create confusion where there ought not be any.

"The law of the Lord is perfect,[c]
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
making wise the simple;
8 the precepts of the Lord are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
9 the fear of the Lord is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules[d] of the Lord are true,
and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
11 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward."

I don't like not having answers and not understanding. It scares me that I don't know what will become of some of my friends and family that I know are far from G-d. I keep hoping that if they're watching me, they're not just waiting for me to fail to have an excuse to dismiss G-d and ignore His testimonies. And yet I do not know what will happen. Yet, I know this: G-d is a compassionate, merciful, holy and just King. I just hope that my life does more to honor Him than to discredit Him.