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So... It's been a summer of sorts. I gained 10 lbs in a week while visiting friends (and MAN that was all kinds of bad food. By mid week, I was practically tearing up for a piece of lettuce) and it never went away. Don't get me wrong, I got a few pounds off, but I'm up another pants size and I am not pleased about that.
Also, I was injured back in Feb so I haven't been able to work out without extreme pain until recently. I am completely frustrated with that. A part of my identity has been associated with being "strong" and since my injury there's been a lot of things I haven't been able to do. For months, I couldn't hold a coffee cup with one hand. Now, I can barely lift a 5 lb weight with one hand. I am really struggling having to redefine a part myself since I can't be this part of me. I get to go back to karate this week, but I am scared. I'm scared I'll be viewed as inadequate. Or that I've forgotten everything. Or that I'm "weak." Since this injury, I have gained 15 lbs. I am really mad at myself about this.
I feel like just moving on. I am who I am and while sometimes, I feel ok about myself, but then either the joys of being a girl pops up, a person makes a distasteful comment, or it's just a bad day and I'm back in the crapper about myself again. "Trying" to lose weight apparently isn't working. I am not eating a lot, and I refuse to starve myself - I like food too much. So then, I've been eating better and now I get to go back to the gym and karate. I just can't really get past this mental and physical block of what I simply can't do yet.
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