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I find myself looking at my weight history every so often. I don't know why I do it. Masochism? I want to believe that I can get back down like I was before. It's not evident by the graph, but I have lost weight before. I don't know what happened exactly, but about a year ago things just slipped and gained all the weight I had lost and then some. Perhaps it's a result of my pride. I thought I was above emotional eating, but now I find myself bound by it.
Mornings are the hardest because I am alone then and have more impulses to eat than I do during the rest of the day. I think I am the best at lunch, a little worse at dinner, but breakfast is bad. It just doesn't seem to make much of a difference when I prevail over my impulses. That is really discouraging. (For example, I should've not even eaten the bread at all, but I resisted eating the whole thing and ate only half of a roll. And I had 3 chocolate chips, but didn't open the bag to get more.)
I am sort of torn about whether or not I should "restart" my diet so that my ticker might more accurately show that I've lost a little weight- about 2lbs, which could be from normal fluctuations and not actual weight loss. What is keeping me from doing that is the idea that I've restarted a couple times before and wound up losing more ground. I don't want to drift back to my heaviest weight. (I am 5'4", I currently weigh 170 lb. Before I had my daughter I was about 155 lb. At my lowest adult weight I was at 137 lb and at my heaviest in my early twenties I was almost 200 lbs.)
I know a big part of my problem is that I am not motivated enough. That is true of me not only in weight loss, but also in general. I am just uncertain of how to overcome that.
On the plus side something that I have been able to get motivated about is getting my driver's license. I took the test and got my permit --again, I've already done driver's ed (completed that last time I had my permit when I was pregnant with my daughter), and have started logging practice. I am really grateful that I have a friend who has committed to helping me on a regular basis to get practice. She has been wonderful: calm, encouraging, and helpful at teaching my the techniques I need to master to be a safe driver. I am excited because for the first time in my life it seems realistic that I'll be able to get my full license, and I could potentially have it by the end of the year.
I think it's important for me to get my license for a number of reasons. One in particular is to surpass my mom. She had a license before but gave it up and never drove when while I was growing up. If I get and keep my license it is one thing to prove to myself that I am not like her. That is very important to me because I need to know that I am not like her. I often feel that I am like her and it scares the hell out of me. She was not functional and unintentionally hurt me and my family a lot. When I see myself like her it makes me think that I'll do the same to my family and/or wind up like her. I don't want that but when I see myself being like her it makes me feel powerless to stop it from becoming reality.
Diet Calendar Entries for 02 February 2012:
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1761 kcal
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Fat: 75.41g | Prot: 154.87g | Carb: 126.12g.
Breakfast: apple, whole wheat slims, clementine, casual gourmet roasted red pepper and spinach sausage, semi sweet morsels, fried eggs, almond, craisins. Lunch: whole wheat slims, progresso light chicken noodle soup. Dinner: almonds, parmesan kraft, apple, Allrecipes.com Baked Almond crusted tilapia. more...
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1878 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Resting - 16 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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 Comments
You have been very honest and that is a good place to be. You are not blaming other things, you are owning your issues, which gives me great hope for you! I am half an inch shorter than you and am looking forward to being 170lbs as it takes me from being obese to just overweight...for me that is BRILLIANT! For you I realise that this may not seem like such a big deal...but it is!!!! You have been up to 200lbs, so 170lbs is a huge step in the right direction. I see you are doing a claorie cont diet (like myself), have you thought about eating to maintain for a while? Get back into the habbit of weighing and recording EVERYTHING! One thing I find really useful is having naughty things planned into my day. I love chocolate and have some in my fridge for later. Knowing I have already worked it into my day and that it is allowed gives it less 'power'over me. If it was not allowed I would have eaten it straight after my dinner, not because I was hungry, just because I want it, because it was not allowed. I find it easier to ignor that impulse, as I have chosen to have it later in the evening, with a freshly brewed coffee and savour it way more that way....and I actually enjoy it GUILT FREE! If you allow yourself the whole bread roll for example, you might choose to have half, then save half for a bit later. It may have less of a pull on you if you know you can have it. Spreading out your food may help. You have the strength not to open a new bag of chocolate chips, so have one every half hour, make the enjoyment of them last longer. Once you feel more in control, you can then move on to cutting the calories down. Good luck (with the driving too) XX
02 Feb 12 by member: Di Happy
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Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions Di! I think I am eating at a maintenance level, but getting in the practice of recording what I eat would be good. I think I might try to implement a combination of planning naughty things into the day as well as reigning in my impulses because I want to improve my ability for self discipline. I like your idea of making allowances for guilty pleasures so that they are less of a temptation/ "forbidden fruit" appeal.
03 Feb 12 by member: MrsTofu
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Recording everything is important. It keeps you honest.
03 Feb 12 by member: Fledgist
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