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Sometimes I notice certain peculiarities in human behavior when I see myself from a more 3rd person perspective (kind of like pretending I am the subject of a nature documentary that plays in my head occasionally). One such oddity that has stuck out recently is the tendency to avoid the scale when the anticipated reading is undesirable. Have you ever thought that that is a bizarre behavior? Seriously, what does that do except prevent oneself from resolving a real issue by ignoring it instead? In any case, I see my own willful desire to put up blinders. I feel conflicted because I know I've been have worse self control with eating. My smaller clothes still fit well, but I have to admit I am a little scared because this seems uncomfortably familiar. I think it was about three years ago actually that I was in a very similar situation. I was nearing my final weight goal and I had just entered a challenge that I didn't take seriously enough (regarding emotional/ impulse eating) and I started slipping. By slipping, I mean more like crash and burn type dysfunction ensued. I gained 40lbs in about 6 months. My weight and eating habits seemed out of control and I felt really trapped and ashamed.
Things are somewhat different now, the biggest change being my youngest daughter- who wasn't around when I was in this slippery slope place before. Sometimes I wonder if she is basically the only reason I haven't relapsed like I did then. If that's true then this is a horrible, futile strategy that is unsustainable and unfair to her. I can't afford to abandon self control and rely on breastfeeding as some kind of wonder drug for weight loss. I want to be able to nurse my infant until age 2 at least, but I don't know if I'll be able to. That had been my goal for DD1, but with her I made it 18months and wasn't able to continue beyond that. (Deep down I kind of feel a sense of competition with my mom, who apparently nursed me for 27 months. I can see a really sophomoric impulse to one-up her. I know it's there. I know it's incredibly selfish/ stupid/ inappropriate/ wrongly motivated, but it's there and not wanting to leave readily. :( )
I guess what I recognize is that I am having difficulty reconciling what I want NOW with what I want OVER ALL. I am capitulating too much. In the moment I am wanting to be complacent. I am wanting to not put forth a more concerted effort because the "logic" taking place is that I've made it thus far with that strategy and I don't really feel a rush/ sense of urgency to get to my goal. Therefore, I'm ok with sort of waiting for it to happen sort of on its own if that allows me to be more relaxed now.
However, what I presume to be the voice of reason starts screaming at me in my head that that is an incredibly foolhardy, lazy, ineffective venture and that I should invest more energy now because this is something that is important. I shouldn't just leave this to chance especially since I am so close to actually getting to where I've wanted to be.
I feel like I've had to fight so long for some really mundane things. For crying out loud I've waited and struggled for 10 years to be able to drive. I'm getting better and I now have the legal ability and opportunity to exercise that independence, but I feel emotionally exhausted and I don't have the energy to care. That's how it feels. But why am I listening to that?!!! I should know better. On one hand I imagine if I were to sit and read through all the journal entries I've shared so far (all 350+ entries) a large majority would be variations on this angsty, semi desperate, semi discouraged theme of "I'm a mess. I'm afraid I'm always going to be a mess. I don't like where I am right now. I feel like I "should" be somewhere else, but I just can't seem to get myself there."
It's moments like these that I both struggle in my faith and feel completely clueless. If I know G-d is real, why do I let myself get this way? Why don't I reach out to Him more? Why am I so discontent? What if He is allowing me to be here? What am I supposed to be doing right now?
I know G-d is real. I can remember verses that leave me feeling both convicted, ashamed, confused. I know G-d answers prayers, but I tend to be insecure because just because I know He answers prayers doesn't mean I know when and how He'd answer mine. I am often paranoid that I'd miss it. I wouldn't wait long enough or wouldn't get it when He did. G-d can speak in a booming, voice from the burning bush effect, but I've seen more often than not that His is the whisper in the wilderness. It's the one you have to slow down and be still to hear. That is entirely the opposite of what I feel right now. Anxiety is blaring and I feel scared and ashamed and inadequate. I desperately want to hear "Hineni" ("Behold, I am here.") because I know I need Him and He is the only refuge that can save me and I can't see where He is. I know He's there, but because I can't see- I trust my eyes too much- I feel afraid and I know that's wrong. It's weakness. I hate being weak, but right now, I am. I am so incredibly weak right now and it scares the daylights out of me. :( Please G-d, find me!
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