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Warning: This is long, but hopefully worthwhile and encouraging for others, as it has been helpful and encouraging for me.
I remember that in school tests- even pop tests- didn't really phase me. I could usually do well and didn't really study too much because, depending on the complexity of the material, I could recall it in my mind without pouring over it for long periods of time. My memory was semi photographic. "Semi-" because the recall wasn't instantaneous. I couldn't flip through a book and absorb it, but from watching the blackboard during class I could mentally visualize the teacher writing the notes down like video playback and make a "screen shot". It felt fun to "get away" with bad study habits/ not have to try hard to do well. The need to discipline myself was less apparent and readily dismissible because I could get by.
In the years since high school and college I've tried to move away from that kind of laziness, and I feel I've succeeded at least moderately in doing so. However recently I was reminded of the tests that weren't easy, the ones my native intellectual gifts seemed to be little help with.
Several years ago, before I was married, I shared an apartment with one of my coworkers and her husband. It was great. I loved finally being "normal", not being a mental case or someone more readily identifiable as having a psychiatric history. I was a part time college student and a full time retail employee (I worked in a book store). I remember one class I took in the Spring '04 semester was Self Defense for Women. I signed up for it because it fulfilled my PE requirement and it sounded like fun. (I thought it was going to be a survey course in martial arts, which I had a big interest in, but instead it was a RAD, Rape Awareness and Defense, class.)
I don't regret taking the class. It seemed useful. The focus was on safety. IF an attacker comes at you in X scenario, here's what you should try to do to escape. The focus was escape, never on revenge. The instructor always emphasized that the techniques taught were tools to get out of a dangerous situation, not an attempt to go Chuck Norris on an unsuspected perp looking for an easy mark. I remember feeling cocky and thinking, "ok, I'm not going to be an idiot or a renegade, but before I escape I'll resist well and make sure that jerk knows he picked the WRONG chick to mess with." In spite of that I remember the final class project was a cumulative review by way of an attack simulation. It was a little freaky to me how scary it was being grabbed by a guy I didn't know. It wasn't as easy to escape as I had thought it would be...AND this was with the "attacker" being conspicuous in a padded suit and knowing what was going to happen beforehand.
Perhaps G-d meant to review that lesson for me in case I'd need it for some future event that I have not yet faced even now. However, several months later I remember waking up in the middle of the night (which is unusual for me). I couldn't drive, so I took the bus home from work. The bus stop was at the intersection of the main street with the entrance to my apartment complex, so less than half a mile. I had had a closing shift and got home c. 11ish pm. I probably got to bed around midnight, but what I remember is waking up. I looked at my alarm and it said it was ~2-3am. I fell back asleep but then I started waking up again. I think I was feeling rain drizzle on my chest while I was dreaming. As I started regaining consciousness I realized that there was rain drizzling on me. (I had a ground floor apartment and my bed was right next to a window.) I was feeling confused when I noticed that my pj shirt was unbuttoned, which was why my chest was getting rained on...but I wasn't alone in my room. Some guy was leaning through my bedroom window and half on top of me.
All of a sudden I was awake, but still confused/ disoriented. I think I saw the alarm said it was ~4am. I was trying to look around and my mind kept tripping, "This isn't right. Something's not right. This isn't supposed to be this way," trying to figure out what was wrong and if I was really awake or still dreaming.
I know I was really lucky that the perp seemed to be mostly harmless. My waking up freaked him out about as much as seeing him there startled me. I think he may have just been out to get his jollies by helping himself to second base while I was asleep. The thrill of just being there and not being caught may have been his high. I certainly didn't know what he was after, and if he had wanted to rape me I would've been pretty screwed because I remember my reactions were awful. It felt like everything the RAD class had covered didn't connect. I started to sit upright and wanted to scream, but I think my voice got stuck in my throat. It came out like a rasp. Everything seemed to be going wrong.
Typically my voice is LOUD. I have people tell me frequently that I don't need to yell when I am speaking in close proximity because I am often unaware of the relative volume of my voice. I usually wouldn't need a microphone to speak in front of a crowd in a classroom type setting, but I COULDN'T project my voice at all in that moment. Thankfully, my male roommate heard what noise I was able to make and came to my bedroom door as the perp was trying to run away. (My room mate is 6' tall if he's an inch, practically fills the doorway just by standing there; my attacker was short and smallish/ about my size. I don't think my attacker was armed, but he didn't wait to find out if my roommate was and fled. My roommate didn't pursue and instead checked on me and helped me call the cops.)
I am grateful that the only trauma I had was the shock of the experience, but part of what made the whole thing really hard was a)the guy never really was caught (my friends suspected that my description of the guy matched that of a registered sex offender who lived nearby, but I wasn't really confident I could pick the guy out of a lineup and lost the opportunity to identify him that way). Moreover, b)I felt totally humiliated. Was that somewhat my fault? Did I forget to leave my window unlocked that night and made it easier for him to get to me? Did he follow me home from the bus stop and just wait for me to go to sleep? Why couldn't I yell louder? Why didn't I fight back more? Why didn't I pay closer attention to his features so I could identify him later? I KNEW better, why did I still fail the test? I studied.
A recent, less traumatic but perhaps equally humiliating (for me) failure reminded me of this event. Honestly it is something that I am not sure how to deal with. I KNOW that I need to not focus on the disappointment and feelings of guilt. I KNOW with a test the lack of preparation/ practice beforehand is part of the design. An assessment like this isn't necessarily bad and can actually help identify areas that need strengthening. Knowing your weaknesses at least helps empower you to bolster them so that you have greater REAL security. Yet I am reminded that the emotional hurdle of feeling like a failure is hard to overcome. It doesn't necessarily matter what the test is, that feeling of inadequacy can hurt- and probably hurts more depending on the gravity of the test and our prior sense of sufficiency.
I know that part of what sucked most about failing the road skills test initially wasn't necessarily the lost time, all the waiting that seemed for naught. It was the demoralization of feeling more incompetent. I felt shaky before the test, but I had practiced, and my friend who took me had confidence in me. She even told the MVA employees, "you don't need to worry about her with parallel parking; she's probably going to get it perfect on the first try." (Which I had done in the car with her WHEN I WAS ON NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS, not the MVA course.) That hurt my pride a lot. I failed. Not like I almost passed and had a tiny slip up, but I FAILED. BIG TIME. (I would fail another 3 times too, but eventually I passed. Though I haven't had a chance to drive independently due to lack of a driveable car, so I still have that heavy sense of inadequacy and anxiety with me that not much short of actual experience may dispel.)
So, my point? I guess it is that while failing tests can be hard, it may ultimately be a good thing because it helps us to learn more efficiently sometimes than even success can. If you feel like a failure. I know it sucks. I can feel that way a lot. However, it doesn't have to be a loss. It can be a lesson. A beacon. Something to show you where you can be even stronger so that the next time you find yourself tested you don't experience the same result. The analogy of Thomas Edison and his light bulb is cliched for a reason, and while I've learned that he had some not so nice details/ character flaws, I certainly have great appreciation for his tenacity; that in spite of not finding what he was looking for as a success, he didn't become incapacitated by discouragement. He persevered. His perseverance paid off with the invention of the light bulb. It's a scary prospect not knowing if what we ultimately set out to do is something we will attain. That uncertain can be paralyzing, but I am learning the attempt is worth it because failure is guaranteed otherwise.
Here is a promise that I find particularly encouraging right now:
"(regarding God's Provision)
10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:10-13 ESV)
Thanks for reading and stay well!
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