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Feeling somewhere between blargh and meh right now, just facing an overwhelming sense of futility. It's hard for me to gauge how I'm doing. I'd like to think that I'm still in a general upward trend in terms of functionality and well being. As for fitness/ weight loss, I've been more active recently- no formal workouts, just chores and miscellaneous physical activity. However, my self discipline has been slipping, so I've been eating a lot more. Also, I wonder if I just need to tether a water bottle to my wrist because it's ridiculous how bad I tend to be with drinking enough water. (It's not like I need to switch from soda or other forms of liquid calories to water. I can't stand soda or anything carbonated because the carbonation irritates my throat. I just don't drink liquids regularly or enough.) So weight is around 150lb, +/- 3lb.
My desk has been in the same horrific state of chaos/ clutter for the past five years. Also, I'm perpetually building mountains of both clean and dirty laundry. It's not the same mountain from weeks and months ago (my desk has a similar pattern), but it seems that it's NEVER DONE/ CLEAN. Also, it's kinda discouraging how the kids' room, which had been looking beautifully organized, clean and easy to maintain is now back to its previous state of disarray because I haven't had the chance to sit with my 5year old organize it again in a way that she can manage, nor have I been consistent with holding her accountable. :(
I guess the icing on this yuck cake is that my cat died yesterday. I had been planning to euthanize her because it was evident that her health was deteriorating, she had tumors on her backside that made her resemble a dualie truck a little bit. I feel kind of like crap because part of my motivation for putting her down was that she was becoming incontinent, she was meowing all the time near her food bowl even when there was food in it, and in general I just felt worn out with dealing with the messes. I knew she was an old cat and she wasn't going to get better. Still she was an amazing animal. I didn't want to cheat her of time and improved health she might have had if she was able to be placed with a different family better suited to care for a special needs, geriatric and ailing cat. Looks like she beat me to the punch! :( I'm not sure what it says about me that most of what I feel now in the aftermath of her death is self loathing. I keep thinking that she deserved better and I didn't give it to her. My husband's been trying to reassure me that I did "an ok job". Sure, I wasn't the feline equivalent for Michael Vic (sp?)- at least I don't think I was. Yay?
While I can easily wallow in my inadequacies in perpetuity- Heaven knows I have an abundance there- I know I am improving/ consistently succeeding in some areas that I previously had been failing. On school nights I now make lunches the night before. I get up on time most days and make breakfast. I run the dishwasher and leave the kitchen clean before I go to bed. I meal plan weekly and am letting less food spoil due to negligence/ insufficient planning. Lastly I am breastfeeding more and resuming partial cloth diapering. (Mainly I use cloth diapers during the day and at home only. I have 10 pocket diapers and inserts, so I am not prepared to exclusively cloth diaper. At least now I am doing about half and half.) I feel a little better after having written this entry, but now I need to get back to the "real world" and be productive. Stay well!
*edited to include closing parenthesis in final paragraph because I am absentminded enough to have forgotten to include it initially, and anal-retentive enough for that to bother me after noticing that oversight. :-/ *
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 Comments
Well do I remember the laundry mountain and the ever-recurrant organizing of my kids' rooms. That is one thing about the kids being grown! Now, I just have to observe my married DD's chaotic house, lol. So sorry about your cat, but I can certainly understand how much extra work having an incontinent pet can cause. Just be grateful that your cat's distress and pain is over.
15 Feb 14 by member: gilliansings
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Sorry about your cat; I lost my cat in November and it is so hard, its never the right time. So I know what you're going through. Its good that there is no suffering now. Good luck to you. It sounds like you're husband is supportive of you and you're lucky to have someone like that.
15 Feb 14 by member: springskinny
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I'm a cat lady too, and they are our beloved furbabies. I am so sorry for the loss of you kitty. I am also dealing with the pile at my house - I am sick of it too and just don't know where to begin. I'm not a hoarder but for the grace of God.
15 Feb 14 by member: erwinwarrior83
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Sorry about your cat. I think you are too hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect. Most people do not have picture perfect houses, not with husbands, kids, pets and without help anyway. You are doing great, just make sure you do what you can do, and stop beating yourself for not being able to achieve perfection. Nobody can. I have a few tricks that allow me to tackle tasks I hate to do. One is a 15 minutes rule. If I need to do something I hate doing like organizing the desk, I set up a timer and do it for 15 min - fast, not perfect. Whatever is left is done next day, in another 15 min window. That way you hardly notice it and in a month it is done. Otherwise I would just sit in front of a box of papers for hours frustrated and procrastinating. Try it, it might help. Have a great weekend.
15 Feb 14 by member: Ingria
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Thanks everyone. Interestingly enough, I don't really consider myself a "cat person", I've always liked dogs more and often thought that cats were not as nice. However, Shadow was an extraordinary cat. She was a rescue animal with the sweetest disposition. She was insanely jealous of other animals, but readily affectionate to people. She was incredibly tolerant of little kids too, which was a surprise blessing since I was pregnant with my first when we got her and the rescue shelter didn't know how she'd be around babies and small children. She was polydactyl on both front paws and black as ebony. She came with the name, which suited her so well we never changed it. She gave us 6 years and lots of memories. I just hope I didn't cheat her of a better life or let her suffer. I can't imagine what she had been going through and didn't realize she was so far gone and certainly didn't want her to be in agony. At least now she can have peace. :(
20 Feb 14 by member: MrsTofu
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you are amazing ! You are handling so many things at a time . I am having so much help and support both personally and professionally still I get tired . Hats off to u .
22 Feb 14 by member: namramn1
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