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Hi everybody from cloudy Germany,
Today I am at work, since I have to finish some urgent stuff.
The funny thing is that I have been sitting here for 2 hours already, and still cannot focus. It has been a stressful time, the Xmas holidays and the last two weeks as well.
I have been thinking a lot about my mum, since 10 days ago it was the anniversary of her death. I have been also considering moving back to Italy, in about 3 years from now. The thing is, I am doing this mainly for my father, not for myself.
I am very happy living and working in Germany. I love my job, have good friends and a good partner, found a good gym where I enjoy climbing very much. My life could not be better.
Anyway, he's 65 years old, I am the only child, my mum died, he is not planning to marry again and we're not close to the rest of his family. I know it's my kind of "duty" to take care of him, but the price is high. Italy is such a conservative, medieval-minded country. Bureaucracy is insane, everyday life is so stressful.
For me finding jobs there has always been hard, since good looking women are considered stupid by default, even if very qualified for the position they apply for. Then, Italian men are too much "machos" for my taste. I mean, women are underestimated by definition, still considered as objects. I really hate that.
I hate the fact that it affects my everyday life in a negative way. It means I will have to start again wearing baggy clothes when I go for a walk alone. Or find a safer neighborhood, where I can keep my lifestyle (I love walking and having the opportunity to go walking in the evenings after dinner, and also having small grocery shops nearby and simply enjoying walking and shopping there).
Well, there are going to be positive sides as well. Climate is more pleasant. Food is amazing; not only restaurants, but especially veggies and basic ingredients to cook everyday meals.
Mountains are easy to reach in 1 or 2 hours drive, as well as the seaside. It is unbelievably full of historical places and monuments. Some of my good friends still live there or will come back soon.
And I can see my father more often, that's the most important thing.
I am really scared of being alone in the future, since the significant members of my family are basically only my father, my granny and her sister. And their age ranges from 65 to 90 years old.
It's true, I have my partner. But before building a family and having kids, I want to be sure it's going to work and to last. I divorced once already, and it was so painful I don't want to repeat that experience, especially with kids involved.
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Well, speaking about food, I had a junk food session yesterday night. Luckily the only junk food we had home where some leftover chips from Friday night; we had some friends for drinks before heading to a party, and half a package of tortilla chips stayed there... I spent a few hours crying and thinking about the decision of leaving Germany, and the result was me eating about 150 grams of chips. Calorie wise it's not too bad, but it's bad for my health!!!
I want to loose about 7kgs (15lbs) to better perform while climbing.
Actually, I am close to my highest weight (just 5 kgs less at the moment); the point is that now I like my body...sounds crazy, ah?
The reason is that I am more confident. And also that I started taking care of becoming stronger, rather than skinnier. Being stronger helps me being able to lift heavy stuff and climb. Being skinny...what is it useful for? I know seeking "skinny" is an endless path... there's always a skinnier bitch out there and you always feel unhappy.
Now I am very happy about my body. Even if I got on 10 kilos in one year. I know why, I know how it happened. I want to loose weight and try to stay strong and I will do that for myself.
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Climbing leaves me always with a good feeling of accomplishment, together with challenging myself every single time I go to the gym.
I am so happy I found out about this amazing sport :)
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Concerning work... I am a bit afraid of having to give a talk at my new work place in a few days. In a way, I know being scared is silly, since I used to give talks in front of 40/50 people at my previous job, and always received compliments for the way I manage fear and explain things. Maybe it's also because I really haven't spoken in public for the past year and a half. But I guess it's like cycling: once you have learned, even if you don't practice for ages, it takes just a few minutes to remember how it works.
I love my new job. The first few months it was more stressful, since I had lots of new things to learn and half of the employees had holidays (so, there were not many people around to ask for help). Now I love the challenge of it, finding new solutions to problems, testing them, improving them. It makes me feel alive.
And it allows me to have also time to go climbing, swimming, seeing friends and spending time with my partner.
My life improved so much during the past two years. Since I decided to move to the city center and change job, I feel so much better.
I think I am just afraid of changes, of the unknown, as anybody else.
Changing country again, and not being used to live in Italy anymore, make me a bit nervous. I have been living abroad for 4 years already, will stay here for about other 3 years. I guess it's going to be a shock, and at the same time I have enough time to prepare for that.
I can make time to visit the city I am planning to move, look for a safe neighborhood, look for a good climbing gym, looking for a beautiful house to rent/buy. I think I will be happy to visit art exhibition more often than I do now, since I live in a small city.
I think I am going to miss all my friends who live here. In this city it's easy to make friends with interests similar to mine, since it's full of researchers in pure science as me. I guess I can find a way.
Ok, I will try to focus on work now. In a few hours I am heading to the sauna with some friends, so I want to deserve it :)
Have a good time, fatsecreters!
Life is good!!!
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