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Today's epiphany: I finally figured out WHY I try to lose weight over and over. Well, I'm on my fifth over in life now but got tired of typing 'over'.
You know that question you've no doubt seen posted and asked at least twice a month.
It struck me today I try to lose weight because: I don't want to be the elephant in the room - the topic everyone is thinking about but won't discuss when I'm there.
Now, notice I didn't say 'because I want to be loved, liked, desired, lusted after, look good naked, be healthier, live longer, wear cute clothes, shop normal stores, fit in an airplane seat, move easier, feel better, serve as an example or be admired.'
I'm being as blatant as I can be on the answer for a reason. My realization, in the spirit of the worn cliche of 'it is what it is' well, it was what it was. Nothing more.
Okay, so some of those things do come with it. They are like little magnetic symptoms or side effects that cannot help but accompany weight loss. And that's when I sat up in my recliner and said 'wow' out loud. Something had struck a chord deep within me. Neither politically correct or socially admirable, it was touching a nerve.
It's because I don't want to be 'the elephant in the room' - the topic everyone is thinking but won't talk about when I'm there - obesity.
And that's just downright wrong especially in these times when something like 80% of our population is considered overweight. And yes, it exists on all levels akin to the two runway models calling the third a 'cow' because she tipped the scales at 105lb instead of 104lb.
But even though the percentage of overweight vs healthy weight seemed to tip toward the former, it seems the heavier we all grew, so grew the public disdain. Fighting fat became fighting fat people. Perhaps it was transference of self esteem. Perhaps as more people joined the ranks of the overweight and their own discomfort with their selves increased, so increased 'obesity shaming'.
And battling being the obese person trying to fit into this very screwed up thinking world I'd take a most militant position of 'hey, I'm a good person, I pay my taxes, don't do drugs, don't drink & drive, never hurt a child, have never been in jail, contribute to charities and say my prayers. So what if I'm not perfect!' But just like the rude sales people in boutiques, that's just not enough. We all know it. It isn't right but it still happens.
I've often commented a skinny crack-whore get's more respect than the average obese woman.
You may not like what you're reading here but you've heard it too. Comments on someone else's weight made by the person who could stand to lose a few pounds themselves.
And because I've 'walked among the thin as one of their own' several times in my life, I've heard the comments made about the obese person in the room - once he or she left the room of course. Comments that would never have been said to me but were definitely likely undeniably said about me when I couldn't hear. Even comments from the naturally thin who'd watched me lose weight still denigrating the overweight person because he or she (hadn't).
Is it right? No.
Is my reasoning healthy? Not by any means.
Someday I will get there. I will grow up and be the me I want to be. I continue to pray my daily affirmations that I love myself every day regardless of what I look like or how much I weigh but I'm just like some others here who wallow in self hatred anytime I see the scale uptick for the day.
I've read so many good answers to the 'why' question and tried to adapt them as my own but it was much like wearing a hand-me-down sweater. It never fit right or felt like my own. I have been digging for an answer for months and today I finally realized why it's been a struggle to answer the question with integrity.
And sometimes, ignorance IS bliss. I'm not sure the answer today made me feel any better. It made me feel kind of shallow. And I'm wondering as I post this journal if I'll leave it because I'm concerned some people who don't know me well but may read my journal may misinterpret that I too am 'obesity bashing'. So if you are one of those and have read this far, I urge you to go back to the beginning of my journals and get to know me before you judge me.
But in the spirit of most healing processes, I know that recognizing the situation is the first step to improving it. I need to work on making peace with my reasoning and continue to try on the other answers offered until a better one fits me.
Here's to the next part of my journey.
Bella
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