FullaBella's Journal, 27 July 2013

The sun is peeking in and out from behind the clouds but the temperature is in the low 70's. On my walk to the Farmers Market this morning I felt it again, an early Fall. With a Field of Dreams mentality I've been using a lot of brown, gold, rust and orange in my art lately with the hope that if I paint it, it will come.

Thank you for the very understanding support and interesting comments you left on my journal yesterday. I've not responded there yet as this is one of those times I like to see what else people will say as time passes without my interference. I do think deep about the comments left and they stay with me in my offline life.

Ever been around a kid when they hit the 'why' phase? If not, consider yourself lucky but forewarned. Every child seems to experience at least one day in their life when they are frontloaded with a bottomless well of 'why?' that defies the wisdom and patience of adults.

At least, that's the way it happened with me. Twice. In a car. Long trip. Seemed even longer with the quiz kids. It was like a mental version of Texas Hold 'Em poker. At some point I ran out of knowledge and started making up the answers. Eventually they caught on but it merely served to up the ante. The more absurd my answers, the sillier the follow up questions. In the world series of Nana vs The Grandsons the first to blink lost the game.

Point? That was how I felt every time I tried to answer the 'why' weight loss question. My realization yesterday was the equivalent of saying 'ok, game over, I give up. Here's the truth.'

And as I confessed yesterday though I wasn't all that happy with my answer it was enlightening as it meant I needed to continue to look inward. If I really felt that way the daily affirmations are still the Emporers New Clothes. I wondered if 'well, maybe I felt that way in the beginning but now I'm happy with myself' but .... when I imagined if I'd still be as proud of myself as I am now if I were to regain the weight...again... the answer was 'no'. However, the 'no' was because it would signal the realization of being a five-time failure, not because of being fat. After all, the reality is, I am STILL FAT. And I do love and accept myself today as I am today.

It occurred to me I rarely do ANYTHING in life to be liked or recognized by 'others' despite being an overachiever teacher's pet employee of the month type A personality. I do what I do the way I do it to just blend into the background and if someone DOES notice me I hope they don't find my flaws. I am a dedicated hard worker but I have never wanted to be the 'est' of anything... richest, poorest, thinnest, fattest, smartest, prettiest, coolest... nope. I just don't want to be the 'est' on any level.

Sure, here on this website, in virtual anonymity I boast of my epiphanies and share my little successes but in real life? Oops, you're reading so you can't see me shaking my head 'no' as I compose.

In real life I go through my days just trying to not be caught being 'wrong'. Yikes. Let's face it. I'm a little old to be still shying away from life and hiding in the shadows. It's a terrible way to waste the rest of my time. I need to find a balance.

So for the sake of balance, I will begin by sharing the most idiotic moment of my week. The enlightenment was 'size does matter'. Don't perv out on me - I'm talking about bowls.

I've been beating myself up all week because I felt I was overeating at dinner. Actually, I've been beating myself up because I felt I'd grown accustomed to overeating at dinner because I was eating the entire contents of a 'bowl of food' and not feeling 'stuffed' when it seemed it was 'too much'.

I was doing the 'crap, you've screwed it up now, Bella' talk and even considering a 24 hour fasting to get my stomach to settle but did not feel comfortable trying that after the roller coaster blood sugar Sunday. So much disappointment and mental pacing and wondering if this was when I slid off the skids back into the ditch of continuously overeating.

I did over eat Monday night for sure. But Tuesday - Thursday I was eating from a different bowl and feeding my neurosis at the same time. Last night I prepared the very same meal but went back to my original bowl and realized it wasn't too much; it just seemed more because the other bowl was bigger. In all reality I was right on track. Mindful eating wise at least; the jury is still out on the mental. So in the words of the OCD classic: don't move my cheese!

I hope I get a cool roommate when they lock me away at the laughing academy. Not the coolest... just a cool one.

Bella


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Comments 
Well if you are a candidate for the loony bin, move over and make room because I'm coming with! I often wonder if I "over think" things, sometimes I say yes but other times I say no because how else am I going to learn from my mistakes? I'm not going to pay for someone else to analyze my thoughts so, even though it's a dirty job, I guess I'll have to do it myself - even if in my limited capacity to come up with answers. I guess that is part of the beauty of journaling on here in that we can make our own analysis and then get feedback from others and decide how close we were to the target. Using smaller plates is a sure fire way to help us keep our portions from growing (and it really does trick our minds into thinking we are having "more"). I am rowing in the same boat as you (in case you didn't notice me there!), in that I am at the stage where I am wondering when the other foot will drop, the proverbial "stuff" will hit the fan, when I will finally lose my last grip on this weight loss effort and fall into the oblivion of gaining it all back. It is hard to feel hopeful after so many failures. But, stubborn old bird that I am, I keep coming back to it. I'm happy to have buddies in this boat. Now everyone, grab an oar! Row! Row! Row! 
27 Jul 13 by member: evelyn64
Evelyn I'd love you as a roomie. As much as we love analysis we'd probably hang a shingle and rake in the dough. Or play-do. Whatever it is they give out to the patients. My 'is the oblivion back' was over the quantity and almost drove me back to food diary recording, restricting, limits. I hated feeling like a failure all week even though it was all healthy non processed non fast non junk food it still felt wrong. I think the first arts & crafts project I wanna do at Camp Crazy is make a bowl. You? 
27 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella
LOL, Bella... I will make a bowl, too... one with a hole in the bottom ;) Maybe that will help me keep the calories under control! 
27 Jul 13 by member: evelyn64
Haha - my grandmother went through a weight watcher thing or something back in the day and her 'reward' was a tiny spoon and fork. The spoon had a hole and the fork had only one tine. Classic.  
27 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella
I am going to put the bowls that you ladies make in an art show! :) Going to sell them and make us some money! Just putting a positive spin on going to the looney bin. :) (I have the t-shirts... I live in Narnia, so what do you think?) :) 
28 Jul 13 by member: Mom2Boxers
You guys are keeping me going today! :) 
28 Jul 13 by member: Neptunebch
You need a pretty damn large hall in the academy, Bella. We're ALL gonna we wanting to share with you. :) 
29 Jul 13 by member: kingkeld
I totally agree - size DOES matter. And,from my perspective, the size of your heart is truly great. Thanks for sharing your internal world. 
29 Jul 13 by member: Sweet Ce
"Why" -- we do all ask it over & over, I know I do too -- why do I crave sugar, why do I eat when I'm not really hungry, whay do imeat beyond full, why do I obsess about my weight, why do I want to stay thin, why is the scale up again, why, why, why. And in my case, each "why" even if sorted out, leads to another or the answer stops making sense, but the "whys" never seem to end. I personally think that any reason for wanting to lose weight as long as its in a healthy way is a good one. No one wants to be the elephant in the room, my dear friend! As usual, your journal is very thought provoking -- does the "why" really matter? Many times to me it does, maybe much more than it should.... But what matters most is YOU & that you continue on this healthy & mindful journey you've come so far on! One day or bowl at a time, right, my Angel!?! Xoxox 
29 Jul 13 by member: Ruhu
Hey bella. Trying to catch up.lousy Internet here. Loving all your journals and your honesty. I am very excited for your getaway. I have never had a spa trip. You deserve a rejuvenating break for sure. This food stuff night and day makes ya crazy : )  
29 Jul 13 by member: sharonfriz
@M2b - yay, arts and crafts AND money ... getting better all the time! @Susan - you can come with us ... one of us... @Keld - so you want a co-ed laughing academy, do ya? @Ce - awww... thank you; you are so kind. @Angel - one bowl at a time - I love it :-) @Sharon - I'll trade my weekend spa for your trip anyday but I'm still content with that I'm getting; thanks for checking in while on your trip!  
29 Jul 13 by member: FullaBella

     
 

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