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Something that has been on my mind that I am struggling with a little are my feelings towards my mom. As far as I can tell, I am the only one in my immediate family who struggles with this. Quick background: My mom is voluntarily homeless (in large part due to chronic mental illness, i.e, untreated schizophrenia). Her condition has been much the same the past decade. She goes through phases of being verbal, but usually is nonverbal, communicating through writing, mouthing words or hand gestures. She doesn't take care of herself well, is very religious/ ritualistic, and given to paranoia/ conspiracy theories. (Not so much about larger, global, political or economic type conspiracies but rather reading greater significance into ordinary events or coincidences. I.e, she had a Yahoo email account that she used to use to communicate with, but because she kept getting various spam mail in her inbox for things like Viagra or social hookups, she deemed that a demonic attack that meant she should not use the internet. Having had a Yahoo account myself at one time, I know for a fact that it is a good spam catcher/ magnet and do not see anything extraordinary or significant about having an inbox full of that kind of unwanted email. Instead of forsaking the internet altogether because of a lousy email provider I just switched to a better email provider and closed my Yahoo account. My mom is not willing/ able to reason that way though.)
I have not seen my mom in about two years now. The only means of connecting with her is via snail mail. She has a PO box and I write letters to her occasionally with a "care of" my dad's address. (She is not allowed to know my home address because I can't trust her to maintain healthy boundaries and not show up unannounced in the middle of the night. She's done just that before. Thank G-d nothing bad happened to her and she didn't cause a scene, but I can't risk that happening again.) Usually this doesn't bother me all that much. My life is full with healthy relationships, and my mother in law has been my "mom" for the past several years, so I don't often feel the sting of not having a relationship with my biological mom.
However, recently I got a letter from my mom telling me that she wasn't going to try attending my daughter's birthday party, and that really pissed me off. I made a deliberate effort to let my mom know well in advance so that she could find a way to be there and see her granddaughter, whom she hasn't seen in two years. Even though being around my mom is sometimes very difficult for me, I've committed to making that sacrifice because I love my daughter and she cares about her grandma and wants to know her.
The struggle I alluded to earlier is that while it seems most of my immediate family sees my mom as a victim- a victim of her illness, choices, and circumstances, I see her differently. I don't necessarily see her as a victimizer per se, but I see a woman who allows herself and her family to suffer for foolish reasons. I see a woman who can be a victim, but not by default; she has to actively resist help. My husband has an amazing amount of respect and compassion for my mom, which is at times both personally challenging/ humbling and also infuriating.
I know I am not an expert on schizophrenia or mental illness, but I'd like to think I know some about both. I've had my darker history that I am not proud of, but somewhere along the line when my behavior and state of mind were that of a mental patient, I became faced with a choice to either continue the way I was going- which was making me and my family miserable- or change. It was hard, but I changed. I am not fully convinced that my mom doesn't keep facing that same dilemma and willfully choose to stay the path she's currently on rather than change.
I guess what I struggle with is not being able to reconcile my mom's current condition and lifestyle with my personal history, the resources I know my mom rejects, the effectiveness of available treatment, and the statements my mom has made to me during my life about loving me, my dad, and my siblings. I understand that she's human, and I don't think I expect a whole lot from her. I do expect her to put forth more effort towards having a relationship with my family and me if that is something she really values. In my mind it is hard to get past the idea that she is more in love with being a self appointed martyr than being part of the family.
Another thing that frustrates me besides the fact that my mom is unable (and/ or unwilling?) to have any sort of normative, functional relationship with me or my family, and the awareness that I am powerless to change her, is the realization that a major stumbling block for me has been this weighty bitterness/ unforgiveness that I find I have towards her. Literally it seems like every few years for the past decade almost I struggle to genuinely forgive her. It's not going to change the past, and it's not going to change her, but hopefully that can help make a better change in me. Yet even after I think I've forgiven her it comes back. This is what is hard for me to deal with right now. I don't want to keep on carrying this weight. G-d help me, I am trying to let it go again, but it keeps latching back on like some ugly parasite. I know THIS- and not some stupid email solicitations for sexual performance enhancers- is what a demonic attack is more about, but I feel like I'm losing and I know I shouldn't be. For those who are willing to do so, who are believing and trusting in G-d and His Son, Jesus, if you would pray for me about this, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you! :)
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I will pray - because you are certainly carrying a great deal of emotions on your back and in your heart. My goodness.
21 May 13 by member: FullaBella
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You are in my prayers. You have to forgive yourself, not her. It is not your fault that you do not have the stable loving caring mother you deserve. And it is not your fault that you cannot help her. And it is not your fault that she will not be the grandmother you want her to be. You found strength to change yourself and rebuild your life. But you cannot expect her to be as strong as you are, may be she is not. Sorry, dear, I cannot help you, I can only hug you and pray for you.
22 May 13 by member: Ingria
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Thanks for all the support and prayers! I am feeling better; it seems that being able to articulate my feelings helped a lot. Also knowing that there are people who care is encouraging. Sometimes we can't take pain away from other people and that can be hard when we care- either particularly for the other person, or when that other person's experience resonates with us and we feel compassion for how we would hurt in the other person's circumstances. Yet when we, ourselves, do not have the means to change the situation, sometimes just being with those who are hurting, sharing that pain, can be a great help. Thank you!
22 May 13 by member: MrsTofu
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I totally get how you feel. My older sister is a bipolar alcoholic with PTSD and other disorders. My mother also is not healthy. I have been my sister's nemesis since we were very young. My mom was a single, divorced mother back in the 60s when it was a no/no. She worked a horrible job that took its toll on her physically, emotionally and mentally. She was an abused wife twice. Janet & I basically raised ourselves with the help of our grandparents. My sister was diagnosed about 10 years ago. She has cheated, stolen, lied, abused her children, and physically and sexually abused her grandchildren. Even though I had the terrible teens, I was still the one everybody turned to in times of trouble. Seven years ago Janet was allowed back into the family. I was helping to financially and emotionally support our mom and her husband after their bankruptcy. When Janet became part of the family again, she began making up stories that were untrue and far fetched. They were so vicious I had to get a letter from a psychologist refuting all her charges. I was concerned she would ruin my business. Our mother decided to "believe" Janet's stories and also accused me of adultery, thievery and she told me I was psychotic. I have not spoken to either since. Within the family at large I am looked down upon because I will not communicate with them. People feel sorry for Janet because "she can't help that her mind is the way it is". I too am angry but mostly hurt. Sometimes in order to protect yourself and those you love you have remain detached and unavailable to certain people. Tell your daughter that you did your best, to not take your mom's actions personally and that some day you hope she'll feel comfortable enough to come and visit. And never, ever put your mom down in front of your daughter! As for your husband and other family members: they don't understand what you've accomplished. This situation isn't about right or wrong but allowing yourself to not feel rejected for who you think you are. My husband still hopes my mom and I will reconcile. As long as Janet is in the picture it will never happen. I do know one thing though: it hurts my mom far more not knowing what's going on in my life than my decision will ever hurt me. Why? She received too much respect and positive attention being with me than she will ever receive being with Janet. And knowing my mom she misses that spotlight.
Take care of yourself, let your mother go with love. You don't have to like who she is but you can love her just the same while respecting each other's boundaries. Be well.
23 May 13 by member: coastalmama
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Wow! Thank you so much for sharing,Coastalmama. I cannot fathom the stuff you've been through in your family- especially with your sister. For what it's worth, I am sorry that there's been all that trauma and hurt, and I am glad that you have other people in your life who are more supportive. You give really good advice about respecting my mom in front of my daughter. (Because my mom is soooo absentee in our lives, we usually don't talk about her much- good or bad. More often than not, I have to remember this principle in regards to my husband. I think we have a really good marriage, but there are times that he can really annoy me- I know that's inevitable in the best of circumstances. Though I may be tempted to get the short term satisfaction of humiliating him, I generally avoid it because I know it would have lasting, detrimental effects on my daughter and her relationship with both of us. I think it's still good to be reminded to apply this to my mom too.) Thanks for the encouragement! Take care!
29 May 13 by member: MrsTofu
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