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So there is a huge disconnect, a gap if you will, in my brain. I cannot see myself right now the way ANY other person does. Don't get me wrong, I love when people notice my weight loss. I think it's fantastic that I am buying smaller clothes. The problem is I just can't seem to get it through my head that this is actually me. Not sure I'm explaining this right... I know I have only lost about 55lbs so it's not really that huge but people make a huge deal out of it. For some reason that is hard for me. I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and still see the body I had 55 pounds ago. I don't see that I am thinner. I don't see what the big deal is. My boss's wife asked me the other day if I was TRYING to disappear completely. Told me I was gonna blow away in the Kansas wind. I feel like rolling my eyes and saying Please. I don't see it. The guys I work with have all noticed and said something. One said to me, "really? How much more do you think you need to lose. I think you're good where you are". And when I hear things like that I just feel like the difference between what I see and what everyone else sees must be huge. Because I don't think I am fine the way I am. I know I am not going to disappear or blow away. I want to lose another eighty pounds to be honest but when I tell people that I get lectures and eye rolls. So I tell them I only want to lose another thirty. They still lecture and roll their eyes but at least they smile while they are doing it.
I feel like its some kind of trick they are playing on me. Like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly the clothes I have bought aren't going to fit and people are going to say hah, got ya! I live in fear the next time I step on the scale it's gonna say 305. I weigh on other peoples scales just in case my is faulty. Does anyone else experience this? Why is it so hard to deal with? I admit I am one of those girls who kinda thought life was somehow simpler for skinny, pretty girls. I've never been either but I was hoping that losing weight would at least make it simpler a little bit. Just easier you know? So that's the other thing I don't know about... why is it that nothing is easier? In fact it's a bit harder. I think because I don't know who I am in this skin. I have always been the fat girl who had to try harder to be liked or even noticed. I have always been the wingman, the helper, the one you can count on. I've always been the girl the guys get to know so they can hit on her friends, you know, get in good with the fat one so her friends think you're super cool and then work your way into the hot friend's world. I AM that girl except I'm not anymore. And I don't know how to be anything other than that girl. And it is KILLING me. I was so uncomfortable before I lost weight and I still am. But I am almost more uncomfortable now. I feel like I can't hide. I can't go anywhere. I don't want to go to my family Christmas. I haven't seen any of them since my wedding last April (when I was still at my heaviest). I don't want to be there. I don't want to hear my aunts and uncles and cousins gush about it. And they will, because I have always been the fat one.
I don't want to be noticed but to change that I would have to gain it all back and I'm not willing to that either. So Why am I so much more uncomfortable in this skin? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this uncontrollable urge to eat and eat and 'pad up'. I feel like I need to cover up but at the same time I want to show off. I'm beginning to feel a bit schizophrenic here. Am I crazy? Does anyone know what I am talking about? Does anyone know how to fix it? Help me please!!!! I don't want to destroy the progress I've made but I don't know how to live here, now.
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