Num4nock's Journal, 28 June 2010

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I've set a goal to lose 4 more pounds in 2 weeks.
As I get over being sick, I'd like to see my early May goal met.
I have a long term, long life, goal of 154
Initially in early May I thought I could realistically hit it by the 2nd Week of Jan 2011. Since I stopped trying in less than 2 weeks, I'm now 8 weeks behind.
So, a goal of 154 still exists; with a date of March 17 2011.

Things in my way... MYSELF (a big one)!
Other things in my way that I've ignored... SLEEP.
Seems I can't get it even when I want it and need it.
I need to find out why I wake up a few times or more each night.
Sleep study is coming

I've ignored getting blood work done, thinking, I'll correct my lifestyle, THEN get the blood work done. PFFFT! My last big fasting blood work was done almost 4 years ago. My Doc has asked many times for me to get him some new numbers. And I have put this off, and off, and off. I'm ashamed that I cannot lose 10 pounds for a month or more and then get the blood work. So, since I haven't lost Doc's recommended 10 pounds, I don't want to go back to him with poor numbers from having not tried AT ALL.

It is time to suck it up and get the blood work. I need it anyway for my thyroid. I cannot believe I have been so stupid to slowly killing myself this way. I cannot believe how tired I feel. I see 13.1 & 26.2 stickers on cars. I want to be in that club. It’s not impossible. I haven't made it possible.

There is so much of me I don't like: health, attitude, temper, control, organization, drive, not-letting-go of little things, short memory on present things. I don’t want others very close to me, especially those who only see negative. I see negative enough by myself. I see couples on TV who want to work on a better sexual relationship. Sheese! That will never be brought to my table. I do NOT have a true strong relationship, muchless, without the sexual part. I used to think my other half would fix herself with age(since older women libidos are like young men). But now that is so far gone, I'd honestly rather not. It's 100% my fault. That decision will never offer the chance to get better. I'd rather have the relationship anyway. It's what is fractured.

I know that suddenly living at my FINAL goal weight will not cure these other things. Maybe that is what I'm most afraid of. Maybe that's what brings out the "why bother" attitude. The "why bother" attitude has impacted so many facets of my life. I feel I'm my own poison. I feel stuck and trapped to my own demolitions. Even after I destroy another little bit in anger or rage, I feel like S*!T afterwards, sometimes even physically sick inside.

I need change in so many places. Good change. Not new TV, new Car, new House change. Changes from the inside out. I'm seriously hoping that along with weight loss and exercise; will start some of the physic logical changes that will allow for better slept, less grumpy, better able to cope, not forgetful. And I will have to find ways to mend and repair what I've broken that has nothing to do with weight. That’s what I want. That’s the easy part. Saying what I want. I want a million dollars. WORDS, it doesn't mean much. I believe we are never measured by what we have, what we got, and how much of it we had. I believe we are measure by how we love, how we care, how we give, and the work and dedication we show to maintain those relationships.

I intend to do many things at once; many things that will not happen easily. Many things I think I need to be a better father, husband, and man. I hope to change these many things that I've selfishly taken for granted, wasted and ruined over the last 17+ years (with my Lord, with myself, with my wife, and with my family). Amen.

Diet Calendar Entries for 28 June 2010:

2673 kcal

Fat: 84.83g | Prot: 104.18g | Carb: 390.88g. Breakfast: Organic Vanilla Soymilk, unprocessed miller's wheat bran, Milled Flax Seed, Quick 1 Minute Oats, Frozen Blueberries. Lunch: Autumn Wheat Bread, Grape Jelly, Reduced Fat Creamy Peanut Butter, Diet Citrus Green Tea. Dinner: Tyson Frozen Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast, Yellow Sweet Peppers, Normandy Blend. Snacks/Other: Chex Mix Cheddar, Chex Mix Traditional. more...