madaboutmoose's Journal

madaboutmoose's Profile |Send a Message | Weight History

showing entries 11 to 15 of 1570

Page: Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... Next

31 January 2015

Sensational Saturday!! How's that for the power of positive thinking? Actually it's just the first word that started with "S" that came to my mind as I started to write this journal.

We received a little dusting of snow overnight ... just enough to barely frost the trees. We have had the strangest winter ever so far. While the East Coast is getting pummelled with storms our poor ski hill is struggling and the roads to my home are pot-holed and muddy instead of the smooth snow-pack we should have this time of year!! The county has even put up weight limits on some of the roads. A friend told me February is supposed to be a heavier snow month according to Farmer's Almanac. We shall see.

I slept well last night which is odd because I had a coffee craving and made myself a pot of coffee, drinking 2 big mugfulls. Of course I stayed up later than usual and I was REALLY tired when I did turn in. Woke up this morning no headache ... feeling okay. Except for a pain in the arch of my right foot ... and actually the whole foot kind of hurts. I have no clue what that is. I have not stepped on something wrong that I recall. I have not fallen. I was driving home on Tuesday or Wednesday I think, talking to my mom on the phone, and my arch started to hurt. Almost like a cramp. Now here it is several days later and it still hurts ... maybe more. I'm keeping an eye on it and if it doesn't start to back off by Monday I will have to bite the bullet and take myself to the doctor I suppose. Some number of years back I had something similar in my left leg which turned out to be a blood clot. I'm not on thinners and haven't been for years. Ever since that scare I've been a little paranoid about unexplained aches like that. Seems like an odd place to get a clot though and I'm not a high risk clot person but still ... something to pay attention to. I know when I tell my husband exactly what he will say. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT!!!

I've continued with my newly re-adopted WOE and while the losses certainly aren't dramatic it seems to be agreeing with my body. My digestive system is working marvelously. I'm eating tasty food. I'm working diligently to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full (which is still a bit of a challenge when food is so tasty for me). Some of my friends and family think I've gone off the deep end ... why are you eating low-fat vegan???? They tell me "I love meat too much." Well I like beef, chicken, fish, eggs, and dairy too!!! And I've not made a pact to NEVER EVER eat them I've just relegated them to "special feast foods" much like indulging in fudge only at Christmas. I'm really hoping this becomes my new "normal" so that I never go "on and off a diet" again in my life. I'm nearing 57 years of life on this earth and I've been on and off, gained and lost so many damn times I can't probably even count them at this point. It is difficult for me to accept that it may take me a year or two to lose down to where I'd like to be but if it means I am NOT dieting it will be worth it. I know if I upped my veggies to about half my plate I'd lose faster but right now I think I just need to wrap my head around this, develop some new habits, and breathe. Accept the slow changes. Embrace them. When I get back to exercise that too will help and I am already thinking about it ... almost wanting to exercise so we shall see.

This whole weight thing is such a mind twister. It is so much more than what I eat. It really is how I think. How I care for myself. What I deem as nurturing and calming and rewarding. When I was a young woman I believed that there would come a time in my life I'd have things pretty much "in control," figured out so to speak. So NOT true. I find it fascinating and somewhat troubling that nearing my 60's I STILL struggle with many of the same things I struggled with when I was 16!!! Feeling "less than," "not good enough," "unaccomplished." Really? What a life-waster that line of thinking is!!! I don't know if it is being this age or the unrelenting events that remind me life doesn't go on forever that has spurred me to rethink what is really precious. And, foolishly, even though I know that it is NOW that is more important than the past or the future I find myself riding those waves of thought more often than I would like.

Life truly is process NOT product. This "fact" I have known cognitively for decades ... and I continue to learn to put it into practice almost daily. I ran into a former client yesterday. I worked with her and her two children more than 12 years ago. She had her son with her who I last saw a very long time ago, he was younger than 3 if I remember correctly. He now towers over his mom at 15 and of course has no memory of me. We chatted for a few minutes and as we started to depart she said, "you know I loved working with you, you were my favorite person to work with over all the people who worked with me." Aw. She couldn't have known how much I needed to hear that. Sometimes I think what I do doesn't matter. I get distracted and feel like I haven't made an impact. Every once in a while someone tells me something that reminds me it isn't about me ... it IS about others and what I do is important and worthwhile.

Obviously it is Saturday and no one is up at my house except my beloved Dobie and me!!!! Unfortunately you get LONG journals once in a while instead of the daily check ins I used to do. But oh so helpful for me to write, reflect, and process.

So tomorrow we are joining a SuperBowl party that is supposed to be a taco bar feast. My plan? I am bringing vegan tacos to make sure I have something to eat that is good for me. DH is completely supportive. I'm sure he'll peruse the selections and taste a bunch of them. Me? I'm going to drink my seltzer water (forgo beer? really?) and eat my lentil/cauliflower rice tacos and people watch!! Oh I mean watch the game.

Thank you for making it to the end of this journal. On I go. Practicing kindness, mindfulness, breathing in and out and working on being in THIS moment rather than where I find myself oh too often (sometimes I think the "past" and the "future" are "four" letter words!!!!). I hope you are making your way with your own process ... thanks for your support and company!!!

Weigh-in: 251.8 lb

lost so far: 7.4 lb

still to go: 66.8 lb

Diet followed 100%

(7 comments) losing 1.0 lb a week

25 January 2015

Sunday it is. Not so foggy today. In fact around these parts our winter has been rather balmy lately. More rain than snow. Which in some ways is good and in other ways pretty much sucks. Our dirt roads that are usually as smooth as glass this time of year and filled with potholes. I'm pretty sure the skiers aren't very happy either. It is what it is and I am grateful for each day.

However, I did wake up with a rocking migraine this morning. It was one of those rare ones that didn't seem to respond to my usual Maxalt medication. After two Maxalts and two Tramadol I finally was able to make coffee. Now I'm okay. It's another sign of the weather changes around here. I tend to get more migraines in the Fall and Spring. I know it isn't Spring yet but we have almost 45 degrees here!!! Usually we are around 25-30 this time of year.

I just read the comments to my most recent journal entry. Glen always brings a moist eye to me. It is amazing how insightful and poignant his comments are. It is this part of FatSecret I miss most when I'm away. I know that writing is helpful for me and yet I stay away, sometimes for months at a time. The comfort and companionship I feel from my "buddies" here on the site blows my socks off. As a person who often keeps her troubles to herself and feels that I must be strong and handle things ... being able to write and experience this journey with others, even if it is long distance, is amazing.

I've nothing much on my agenda today. I spend the day yesterday, in and out of the kitchen, preparing food for the week ahead. I'm having a blast trying new vegan recipes. Finding too things I can pack and eat on the run as I am often out in the field and not near a microwave to warm things up. The only day I'm predictably in the office is on Wednesday when we have staff meeting. That day always feels like a treat because I can have a hot meal at lunch. I'm learning I need a lot of food during the day!!! I'm still a little leary of how much I'm eating but I KNOW that I need to respect my hunger cues and let my body heal itself. Somewhere in my brain I have let myself believe that I shouldn't eat when I'm hungry. Fortunately I also know that that faulty belief is what has messed up my system so much. I just keep telling myself that if I make good choices, keep to this path that eventually my body will do what it needs to do. So far I don't feel deprived at all. I do feel guilty at times because I'm so enjoying my meals but I quickly set that aside. Anyway, enough on that. I feel like I'm blathering on. Sorry!!!

DH and I are venturing back to the big city of Spokane tomorrow to get his choppers aligned. It didn't work last week because we weren't there early enough to get his teeth back the same day. So we have to blast out of here by 5 am tomorrow morning. UGH. I'm definitely NOT looking forward to that but I am looking forward to another day spent with him. I'm imagine we'll hit Trader Joes again just because we can. I bought their cornbread mix last week and LOVED it!!! Just switched out some of the recommended ingredients with vegan friendly choices. It was moist, dense and delicious. So I want to buy a few and stock up the pantry. I'm in need of fresh veggies which I can pick up there too. No doubt we'll eat out so that will be interesting. Him without his choppers and me trying to stay low-fat and vegan. We are quite the pair!!

Well I think I will see what kind of trouble I can get myself into for the remainder of the day. I'm grateful the migraine has passed. Grateful for another day to breathe in and out. Grateful for the companionship of the love of my life. Grateful.

Continuing to work on being present and in the moment. Kindness. Kindness. Kindness. Especially towards myself. Acceptance. Smile. Yup ... a lot to practice ... such is the journey of life!!!

add comment

24 January 2015

It's a foggy morning here on my little mountain. Looks like something out of some kind of movie ... rather dreary but it IS Saturday and I'm always happy not to need to drive anywhere and have the day at home.

It seems like it was a LONG week. I only worked 4 days but it still felt LONG to me. I can hardly believe we are nearing the end of January already. My how time flies.

A thought occurred to me this week in regards to losing a partner. I had this moment when I suddenly realized that regardless of how long DH and I had together there would likely be a part of me that felt like it wasn't long enough. 5 years? 10 years? 25 years? 30 years? 45 years? At what point would I feel like I had enough of my time with him? Maybe it would be easier if we were both elderly ... closer to the time when we both felt like we were "done" but even then ... wouldn't I still miss him? It reminded me, once again, how important it is to be "present" in these moments rather than fixated on the past or alternately fretting about the future. I wish I could tell you once you have an "aha" moment then you simply move on without the struggle but of course that isn't true. Life is indeed process not product and with every turn in the road I seem to revisit similar themes.

WOE is going well. Loss of pounds is slower than I'd like (but of course I'd like to just wake up and be 179 lbs!!! magically!!!). I keep telling myself the speed at which I shed pounds isn't nearly as important as my ability to maintain the losses and weight my body is most comfortable at. I have lost weight SO MANY TIMES!!!! And obviously, I have not kept it off or I wouldn't be writing this right now. This is a WOE NOT a diet. As a WOE I really like it so far. Oh my goodness, potatoes? gravy? rice? beans? bread? and of course veggies and fruit. But low fat ... and stay away from refined substances and no dairy, no meat. Funny I don't really miss the meat and I'm not doing this as a statement about animal cruelty or anything of the sort. And gravies are different ... not using eggs and milk is different. I do miss cheese. I LOVE cheese. But the gravies I'm making are honestly very delicious. I've been having fun trying new recipes. Did a Sloppy "Joe" Lentil dish this week. Made vegan French Toast which was more delicious than I anticipated ... used Cashew Milk I made myself!!!

So if it takes me a year or more to get to my goal weight ... but in 10 years I am still near my goal weight then I ought to be doing a happy dance, right? This weight thing is something else. I dont' completely understand why I use it as a battering ram against myself. I don't really understand why it is so danged important to me. Why I stress about it so much. Why I let it impact the way I feel about myself. Is that culture? What the heck is that?!?!?

I've been really having a time of it lately ... feeling "less than." More lately than I can recall in a long time. Nearing 57 I find myself feeling like I'm a failure, I haven't really done anything important, no grandchildren (well I do have one, she's 11 years old but we haven't seen her or had any contact with her since she was 4 years old ... a sad, sad story). Somehow I conveniently throw out all the positive things I know I have done through the years. I forget the number of individuals who have told me how much my work with them meant to them. I set aside the things my husband tells me, the things my mother tells me, the things others who are close to me share with me. It is NOT the way to go. I know that but as "smart" as I am I find myself struggling to remember to be kind to myself, to practice acceptance, to practice being mindful and in this moment.

Again ... therapist or not I don't get it. I imagine stress has something to do with it. So under stress those OLD coping mechanisms ... the things that got hard wired in my brain growing up (many of them rather dysfunctional ... imagine that!) get triggered. The newer coping skills don't have the strong neural pathways ... or not as strong as those older ones. Yes ... that is it. Now I remember. That's why I feel so young, so ineffectual, so unworthy, not good enough ... this is familiar ... this was a part of my childhood and young adulthood. Yuck!!!

Holy Smokes peeps!!! I didn't mean to go on and on so long!!! I definitely process through my fingers on the keyboard. I miss this. I used to do this a lot in my early days on FatSecret ... just never quite enough time lately ... or I do other things with my time other than journal. Anyway ... for anyone who has managed to make it to the end of this diatribe thank you so much for listening!!!

Kindness. Practice kindness to myself. I'm fairly good at kindness to others but that too in a work in process. Acceptance. Be in this moment. Remember and set your mind on what you HAVE not on what you think you do not have. Love him. Treasure the moments and pull yourself back into NOW rather than the would've, could've, should've mentality or the what if and when of tomorrow.

(4 comments)

24 January 2015

Weigh-in: 252.8 lb

lost so far: 6.4 lb

still to go: 67.8 lb

Diet followed 100%

add comment losing 1.0 lb a week

21 January 2015

I have a few minutes before I dash out of the office to a family visit so thought I'd write quickly since I won't be able to accomplish much in these few minutes in any other productive way.

Made a white bean chili courtesy of Dr. McDougall's site yesterday that was super easy and unbelievably delicious spooned over vegan corn bread.

1 celery stalk chopped
1 carrot chopped
1 bell pepper chopped
1 small onion chopped (onion, carrot, bell pepper and celery cooked in a little bit of veggie broth prior to mixing in the rest)
3 cans of white beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can chopped jalapenos
1 can diced tomatoes
chili powder
cumin
crushed red pepper (all to your tastes and likings)
I threw in a dash of cinnamon

Then after it had cooked for 30 minutes (and sat for the rest of the day because I threw this together in the morning) I added 2 cups chopped spinach.

I think you could add whatever veggies flipped your switch and change up the spices to fit your desires as well. It was a great hit with DH. I used the cornbread mix from Trader Joes and used plant based milk, applesauce instead of oil and Energ egg replacer so the cornbread would be vegan. It turned out dense and sweet and perfect with the beans.

I've been having headaches pretty regularly which doesn't thrill me. I don't know why. I'm hoping they go away with cleaner eating. It really messes up my schedule every morning.

Busy as usual. Overwhelmed as usual too. Doing okay though. Doing well with this WOE. Being present is an endless challenge but fortunately I get many opportunities to remember and be present in being present. LOL!!!

Hoping all is well with my fellow journeyers here on Fat Secret. I am forever grateful for the company. Forever grateful for life. Take care!!

(5 comments)

madaboutmoose's weight history

view complete history

madaboutmoose's Journal

31 January 2015

25 January 2015

24 January 2015

24 January 2015

21 January 2015

Other Related Links

Members

madaboutmoose's weight history