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Wow! Yesterday as I was weighting in I could not help wondering why I waited to lose weight, 38 years to be exact. I know I crashed dieter and I know I was always depressed because of my weight. Last night I had to contemplate my weight loss because old feelings seem to surface. The way I was treated by my prers and even my own family. Like many others I can count the years by weight. 220 to 232 high school, marriage 264 to 325,divorced 265. The focus has alway been weight. The angry builds up because that's been my focus for so long Instead of living and loving myself. I have always said until your at this weight you can't do that or this Until you weight this. Crazy! As I look behind I wonder why none of the adults in my life ever helped me until I realize that to them I was not active enough as a child I never stopped doing things but the weight kept going up. I have spoken to my mom and in my dreams to my grandmother and father and I believe it wasn't out of hate or blatant disregard for me. I believe they just did not know how to help me As a child,all they knew was stop eating. Now I will say this there are times I feel hurt about this but as an adult I understand but my inter child does not because of what I know today. People ask me all the time at work why do you worry,why are you so intense and not laid back. I try to explain to them what I am doing and they don't understand. Let me see if I can explain to them better. I feel I was lost for so long even though you could see me but I was a shell of a person. I am filling up that shell every day and what you see now is the woman I am becoming Either come along for the ride or get the fuck out of my way cause this child/girl/ woman is coming and she is who I want to be. Many of us hide behind so many things Or people. I am not hiding ANY MORE. I am achieving MY GOALS in life. these are not material things these things only can be seen by people who are closest to you. now people have said to me don't you see the weight loss and I say in some things but I am still a fat girl in my head And the eyes roll and people turn away But in truth I see bits an pieces. My legs are thinner, my shoulders look defined and my face looks thinner But to see the whole, I dont. I know the facts my clothes sizes are smaller and I. An stand for 10 or 11 hours with minimal pain. I am proud of the person I am becoming. I have a long way to go next is therapy just to gain control of the new me and the past. This is a process we all know we have to go thru if you have been heavy or fat your whole life.I have been told by my Dr that 20 pounds max. he refuses to go by the American Standard weight for my age and height. We finally agreed on me losing 30 because muscle weights more than fat and I am now in the gym building muscle Where muscles have lived in dormance. Ok my rant is over. Just an fyi. I don't blame anyone for my weight but me. Those adults loved me but did not know what we know today.
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202.0 lb
Lost so far: 55.0 lb.
Still to go: 7.0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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losing 0.4 lb a week
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