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I've been away for awhile. I have a whole bunch of excuses I could use but the bottom line is... I gave up.
Three people in my life died within a month's time. That was back in May and I'm just now pulling out of the depression and grieving mode I was in. I think my sister's death hit me the hardest. She was 38 and my only sibling. Her death certificate listed her cause of death as "complications of morbid obesity". She was 5' 5" and weighed somewhere around 400lbs. In her last 2 or 3 years of life she stayed sick almost all the time and wouldn't go to the doctor. I think she gave up on life, gave up hope and just quit. I wasn't there for her. I didn't like being around her for many reasons. She was extremely lazy and smelled bad. I blame myself now for not being a sister, for not trying harder to get her up and help her want to live. I never once thought about it or even imagined that she could die. I should have atleast tried to force her to talk to me but I didn't. Now it's too late. At the time of her death she lived with our mother and her 19 year old son. Momma found her at 4:30am on the kitchen floor where she had collapsed a few hours earlier. She was gone.
My very good male friend died 6 days later of a massive heart attack. He was also very large.
I see myself heading down the same path and it scares me. I don't want to die like that. My lifestyle is killing me... a slow horrible death. It's pretty bad and really sad when you can't even do the most simplest daily activities and personal hygiene. For example... to put on my shoes I have to sit on the couch sideways, pull up one leg, put my shoe on, tie it and then switch to the other side to get to the other foot. I'm not even gonna describe my contortionist act I do in the restroom.
I hate the way I look and the way I feel all the time. I've decided to do something drastic. After years of diets, yo yo weight-loss and gain, I'm looking into Bariatric Surgery. Last night I attended a surgical weight loss seminar. The only surgeon in my area, in this field, was the host and he recommended the Lap Band. I have already done research on this procedure and I'm considering it. I know I have to do something, I can't keep going on like this.
If you've read this far... thank you and I'm sorry. I just had to get some things off my chest 'so to speak'. I think it helps to get it out, helps clear up my mind where I can think better.
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323.0 lb
Lost so far: 0 lb.
Still to go: 148.0 lb.
Diet followed poorly.
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gaining 1.0 lb a week
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