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I made it to Publix this morning after the gym, and according to that scale I lost another 2 lbs., so yay for me! I cannot believe I waited this long to get back on to my exercise and to begin paying attention to what gets put down the pie hole. Fear of failure (again) seems to be at the forefront of the sad group of excuses I imposed upon myself, but depression is probably the alpha leader of the pack!
Depression is insidious... left untreated it slowly creeps up and starts taking chunks out of your soul, bit by bit until you have become a ghost of yourself. It will strip you of self esteem, your drive, ambition, and perception of the world around you. In short, it robs you of yourself.
But this disease, as misunderstood as it is by people that have never experienced it, can be fought. It can be tamed. Controlled. Managed. But it's always there, lurking in the background, waiting for an opportunity to attack. So we can fight the good fight and think we have sent it packing; but true, honest to God make-you-wish-you-were-dead clinical depression is a powerful adversary. It's a disease that, for me at least, will always be waiting patiently in the background for a chance to come roaring back to life. I'll never forget what it did to me and what it can do to me. Never, ever forget.
For that's what I did in the past. Visits to multiple therapists and prescriptions for various psych drugs prescribed by well-meaning physicians really didn't help much because I didn't fully participate in the battle. (Insert dope-slap to self here) I left it to the professionals and medications to heal me. That's what they are there for, right? Well that may be, but all the pills and all the sessions and all of the doctors on God's green earth can't do it for you. In other words, it don't work if you ain't in the fight, sistah!
For many years I allowed myself to be controlled by it, but today I have chased it down its smelly dark little alley with its ugly tail between its ugly little legs, where it will stay, shaking its fist at me and trembling with fear, all the while threatening me with imminent return. Fuck you, depression... I will kick your ass!!! Sorry, got a little wound up there. :O)
Anyway, I am well on my way to celebrating a happier life, the realization of dreams that had been shoved away in a dusty closet which is what my mind felt like. I thank God for opening the door for me to the Center, the origin of the festivities. Yes I am still on crazy people meds, I invited it to the dance, along with my brilliant, patient clinician. And now weight loss and reclaiming of physical health have joined the happy fizzies party! It's all good.
It IS a beautiful day! Now I must get out into this fine spring weather and do some yard work.
Peace.
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260.0 lb
Lost so far: 18.0 lb.
Still to go: 110.0 lb.
Diet followed 100%.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 25 March 2011:
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1316 kcal
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Fat: 49.89g | Prot: 74.15g | Carb: 149.72g.
Breakfast: peanut butter, half and half, Nature Valley Bar Peanut Butter, coffee. Lunch: 37% Light Buttery Spread, egg beaters, Lite Swiss Cheese. Dinner: Mesquite Smoked Turkey Breast, Lite Swiss Cheese, rye bread, healthy select chicken soup. Snacks/Other: Edy's slow churned lowfat ice cream, green grapes, naval orange, rye bread. more...
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4254 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Yard Work (gardening) - 2 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 11 hours and 55 minutes, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 20 minutes, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes, Circuit Training - 30 minutes, Housework - 1 hour. more...
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losing 1.6 lb a week
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