jenniferdonahue's Journal, 06 September 2021

Having lost 21 pounds as of today, I look back at how grief and depression paralyzed me with understanding and grace for myself that I would not have had in my hardest days. In fact, some days now without my mother are even harder than they were when I first lost her. She was my companion in life. Having found my father late in life, she was my only parent. I was her only child. Her openness with me as we grew up together (she got pregnant at 19) allowed a trust, honesty, curiosity, and love to guide us in life's daily journey.

When I lost her so suddenly and unexpectedly, I lost a golden force of light and understanding I never took for granted but also never could comprehend the cavernous vacuum left in its absence. In almost every way, she is still with me, but in the physical, hold my hand and hug me, smile at the joy for me or of mine in her, or hers in my son, that is achingly missed. Everyone who knew our bond says I'm doing great. I am because she taught me how to. I am because my son is my light. I am because my husband is my rock. I am because there's no other choice. I am because I can help others,

Yet every day, I am lonely without her. As I've written previously, my weight loss is to live my longest, best life with the ones I love. This is especially true because I don't want my son to not have the best of me for as long as I can give it to him. I also want the best of myself in my life and my husband's. So today, my Mom is -- as always -- my inspiration. Knowing she had a lifelong battle with food, my wellness is a victory on her behalf as well. From earliest childhood, food was an issue. In her youth, her family often starved from hunger. My grandmother would skip meals to feed my mom and her brother a single slice of bread with ketchup between them and a pint of milk. Her husband was a bit of a gangster in Kansas City and would leave them for months with nothing. Then, after they moved to Chicago and Granny had remarried, Mom was assaulted one night when she was no older than five by a neighborhood boy in the alley. She'd spend the rest of her life using weight to hide how beautiful she was hoping to go unnoticed rather than deal with the uncomfortable attention. She was always beautiful. She couldn't shun attention. I'm posting this picture of her in Frankfurt, Germany. Most beauitful woman, I miss you every second. I'm well for us all.

134.4 lb Lost so far: 21.6 lb.    Still to go: 3.4 lb.    Diet followed 100%.

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1368 kcal

Fat: 37.46g | Prot: 93.63g | Carb: 161.66g.   Breakfast: Chobani Greek Yogurt Black Cherry on The Bottom, Chobani Greek Yogurt Blueberry on The Bottom, Up&Up Fiber Gummy Supplement, Coffee with Cream, Flaxseed Seeds, Spinach, Orange Juice. Lunch: Tajin Clasico Seasoning, Garlic Powder, Parmesan Cheese (Grated), Fresh & Easy Liquid Egg Whites, Frieda's Edamame (Shelled), Bob's Red Mill Flax Seed. Dinner: Mission Foods Mission Burrito 10" Flour Tortilla, Lucerne Shredded Mexican Four Cheese Blend, Cooked Dry or Black, Brown or Bayo Beans (Fat Not Added in Cooking), Lettuce, Tomatoes, Farm Fresh Chicken Breast. Snacks/Other: Del Monte Cantaloupe. more...