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Once again I feel G-d is walking me through improving my conflict resolution skills. Happily I feel I can report that there is definite growth even within the past week or so. I've been faced with the challenge of frustrating interactions and am becoming more aware of my control in the situation. I don't believe I considered myself blameless in times past with similar circumstances, but I had been unwilling to yield so readily when I felt wronged and that I had been putting forth reasonable effort already to promote peace and understanding. Now I realize that I can focus more on my own actions and motivations, working to correct error as I notice it and trying to avoid my personal traps/ self defeating behaviors, regardless of whether the other person is doing as much as I think he or she ought to do.
I feel particularly happy about how I handled a difficult situation last night. One of my family members acting in a way that was very upsetting to me. Now I realize that this person's intent was not to hurt me, but because there seemed to be a reluctance to even consider my claims as valid I was particularly cross. The anger/ frustration was quite sudden onset. (The offense was something that is a big trigger for me, so I realize that it didn't take long for me to get really upset.)
I've made it a practice to follow the Eph 4:29 principle as much as I can, and I'm the kind of person that can't let issues remain unresolved, so I tried to articulate my concerns at that time. However, the reception was rather lacking compassion. (Timing was a factor for sure.) Things kept escalating as both sides felt justified in their respective actions as well as hurt by the other person and deserving of restitution. At the climax of the dilemma I found communication being shut down from the other side and I felt rejected and wounded. I was pretty livid and frustrated and several destructive impulses came to mind. I wanted to self medicate/ self soothe with social media and/or food. I wanted to retaliate against the other person. I wanted to break things and lash out in general to release the tension within myself. I knew that all of these things were bad and would only lead to regret and more damage/ pain, so I did the only thing that I could think to do that wasn't that: I went for a walk. I just went for a walk to the end of the street and back. I got myself spooked a couple times from surprise noises and movement in the dark from nocturnal animals nearby. However, the dark and quiet offset with the street lamps, the light drizzle, and the knowledge that I was not giving into my impulses helped me to have a sense of victory even though I still felt upset and stuck in a somewhat Phyrric situation.
When I got back both the other person and myself were much calmer and we were able to reconcile. That was totally G-d helping me with the means of escape because I am generally driven to defend/ try to vindicate myself and the things I was inclined to do were entirely selfish and would have caused greater harm.
I realize that I can be sensitive- maybe overly so/ thin skinned. I notice the things that bother me individally are trivial, but what trips me up is that I feel tortured/ assaulted with death by a thousand paper cuts and this saps my patience so much. My desire to do good and be self controlled vanish in the midst of chronic offenses like that.
Within the recent weeks my Pastor spoke on Sunday about forgiveness and grace and taught on the "turn the other cheek" instruction of Matthew 5/ Luke 6. The way the Pastor preached elucidated that passage in a profound way for me. Previously I had heard or been directed to view that passage as an admonition against self defense in general, but he highlighted that that is not really what is being said in that passage, nor is that Biblical instruction in general. G-d does not oppose self defense when my welfare is in danger. However, the instruction deals threats to pride, not to one's life.
There are accounts when G-d asked people to trust Him so that they would see the source of salvation from the threat against their lives was not chariots or treaties but the arm of G-d directly. However, G-d also expects/ allows us to fight to protect that resources- material and immaterial- He gives. In the face of insults though He asks us to not resist those attacks because it is moments like those where His power and love are most evident in and through us if we are willing to trust Him. Therefore I realize that though while I don't like doing this, I CAN do it, and His promise to sustain me is trustworthy.
I once heard an amazing quote attributed to a missionary (Jackie Pullinger) who lived within the walls of the Forbidden City in China for many years. While my circumstances are not the same, not as challenging, awe inspiring or remarkable, the boldness and confidence is becoming the same as hers:
"You may have your own bed and your own room, but I know G-d's grace."
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