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Hi fatsecreters,
Haven't been posting for a month, even if from time to time I have been reading your posts.
Christmas is the hardest time of the year to face for me. This year at the traditional Xmas eve dinner, we were only 3 persons: granny, daddy and me. My mother died, her brother/my ucle died, my granfather died. It's really sad to meet at the same table every year and miss them, trying hard not to cry in front of the others.
Yesterday we had lunch at my father's sister. Since I was a kid I always felt I did not belong there, to that part of the family and it is still like that.
They are emotionally very cold and very distant. By chance I was sitting next to my cousin's wife and we get along well together. She also feels them as distant and cold, and we understand each other very well.
That made it a bit easier to spend 3 hours at the table eating lots of wonderful food.
You know, being in Italy has its positive side: food tastes amazing, even if during the holidays there's way to much to eat.
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My relationship with food has changed a lot during the past year. And also the perception I have of my body and look.
I don't find comfort in eating anymore, I don't overeat or have food 'raptuses' when overwhelmed by (negative) emotions.
I enjoy again eating for the sake of it, and let mysel enjoy good food when I am with friends or when I have a chance to eat delicious food.
I don't see myself as fat anymore. I see I want to loose the 5kg/10lbs I gained during 2013, I see what I want to improve, but I don't see myself as a disgusting fat girl as I used to do.
I see my body as something that allows me to do things, like climbing or hiking or lifting stuff. This way, I motivate myself even to workout during holidays. I think I want to take part in a climbing competition on March 2014 and it gives me the energy and willpower to workout, not to eat too much stupid crap. I don't see I need to lose weight to look better, I want to loose some weight and gain strenght to perform better when climbing. It's a huge difference.
Seeking for "skinnier and skinnier" is a neverending process, and always frustrating. Seeing improvements when climbing harder routes motivates me to workout more and take better care of myself.
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During the past 3 years I have seen my mum dieing, my marriage ending in a bad way and lost my dream job. It seems my life made not sense anymore.
Well, it does. And how my life improved is unbelievable.
I have a new partner, a new job, a new passion (climbing) and a better relationship with my father, food and my body.
I am able to enjoy life again and better than before.
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