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Ah November, you are a bittersweet time of year for me. However, the silver lining is starting to be greater than the dreary grayness that I used to associate with you.
November 1999 was the last time I lived with my parents and siblings. I had just turned 16 and was in the thick of my depression. The angst and drama reached a crescendo when I had a depressive meltdown/ temper tantrum. Instead of getting what I wanted I discovered some rather unpleasant, unplanned consequences. My family called the cops from a neighbor's house because I was holding the house hostage and exercising a hunger strike because my preschool aged brother didn't want me to hold him. (I can't blame him that because he was being a healthy 4/5 year old and I was trying to pretend he was still a baby and I was his surrogate mommy.) So cops come to my house and call an ambulance in. I tried to keep them locked out but I don't know why I expected that to work. I made the front porch my Alamo and just curled up into a ball or so, pretending to be unconscious. I knew I had lost; however, if I was going down I was determined not to make it any easier for anyone else.
Apparently one of the EMTs was having a bad day or something. I remember the one assigned to ride in the back of the ambulance with me was mocking me, laughing and insulting me while I was crying. I had half a mind to curse him out, punch him in the face and other sensitive regions, and lash out at him physically, but I was tied down with four point restraints and too preoccupied with my own issues to retaliate against him. Once I was at the hospital I think I had stopped crying, but I was still really pissed.
Because I was angry I resorted to the silent treatment. I wasn't in the right state of mind to understand why it made sense to the ER staff to catheterize a non communicative, mentally ill teen as part of intake protocol, all I knew was I was upset and offended that something was being forced on me against my will and that I was given a choice only between two humiliating circumstances. (Scenario A was let the two female nurses undress and catheterize me. Scenario B was the two female nurses call in this Hulk sized male orderly to hold my legs apart while the female nurses catheterized me.) I was having a really BAD day. To top it off, my dad had the unfortunate timing of coming in to see me AFTER I had faced the EMT and the ER staff, all of whom I felt lacked decent bedside manner and had succeeded in making an already hard situation feel even more depressing and degrading.
I should have been nicer to my dad. I should have at least tried to talk to him to tell him I didn't like what was happening. I didn't realize that he was unaware of what I had gone through nor did I understand that he was as unsure of what was going on as I was. I was just one big emotional mess and I didn't have the opportunity to have some quality time with a gentle, empathetic or sympathetic individual who could have helped me let my guard down to be comforted and motivated to cooperate.
For a while November didn't really represent good things for me. My depression was generally worse/ harder to cope with during the shorter, darker days of late fall and winter. However, it's been getting better. I don't really think I have depression anymore. I did not think I'd ever feel that way before. I didn't know it was possible for it to end after I spent so many years with it, but it seems to be gone now. (Though it definitely scarred me.)
Things I look forward to now about November are spending time with my family in general, celebrating my father in law's birthday and my mother in law's anniversary. This year in particular is special for a couple reasons. One is that there is the unique overlap of Thanksgiving and Hannukah, which is kind of cool. (Hanukkah starts on the 25th of the month of Kislev, though that being a lunar calendar means that the end of Kislev falls anywhere from the end of Novemeber to the end of December. It is very rare for Hannukah to coincide with Thanksgiving, but this year we have that. :) )
New this year is also more relatives at the Thanksgiving table. My daughters have a cousin who is about 6 months older than my younger daughter, so both the cousin and my baby will be having their first Thanksgiving this year. Other cousins who live farther away are coming to town as well so I am looking forward to catching up with them. Family is very important to me, and whether blood relations or family by marriage makes little difference to me, I am more of the opinion, the more, the merrier. (Yeah I know that isn't always the case, but hope springs eternal. :) )
And finally what is special for me this year is that it marks a decade since my last psychiatric hospitalization. Bonus is that I have been off of antidepressants for over a year now and am still doing well. I don't like taking medication, but am committed to taking it when I need it if I need it. Though being able to live life without it feels really good, so I hope I can keep it up like this. If not I'll do what it takes to stay healthy for myself and my family. :)
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