Annabelle3117's Journal, 31 October 2013

I hope the kids aren't too disappointed to have to wait for trick-or-treating. We actually have decent weather here, so we get to get it done tonight. We had a situation here a few years back at a mall that was a ways away from our town, but still too close for comfort, and the guy shot and killed numerous people, then himself. It is hard not to think about yourself in those situations, but you can be thankful for what you have and pray that you're never there. I hope you can get out of your rut! You've been doing amazing, so you have no reason to think poorly of yourself. I know we all do it, and just have those days that for some reason the self doubt creeps in. Just keep doing what you're doing whether you like it or not, and then when you start feeling really good again you'll still be on track. :) 

Yolanda - I know what you are feeling and I too know how senseless the feelings are but how difficult they are to control. I don't know why it seems that if someone pays me a compliment it makes me think about how far I need to go and makes me want to go eat some cheesecake. Why is it that when we see some progress we get hit head on with how far we have left to go? I am guessing that this really started with your grandmothers comments. Or at least that appears to be when the feelings reallly took hold. For me - it started with a positive comment. I think the issue is that anything that focuses our brains on how we actually look to other people causes us to refocus on the negative body image that we really have of ourselves. I have no answers... I am trying to keep my minds eye on a picture that was taken a couple years ago of me. I came across it about a month ago. I remember thinking that I looked really good. However when the picture was taken, I thought I was way too fat and needed to lose about 30 more pounds. I am trying to use my current feelings about the picture as evidence that my self image is so broken I can't trust it. I am guessing that yours is too. I can't say this is fixing my issue... but I think it is better that I know and admit my image is broken. Normally I will say that it is but in my gut I still believe my own eyes. Now, I am trying to not believe my own eyes when I look in the mirror. it is not easy. I am trying to live on faith now that what i think is wrong. It is a totally mixed up crazy way to live but I think it is something I have to do. If you can - I suggest you focus on your workouts. Try to let your fitness be the guide not the way you look. You can control your fitness Yolanda but you can't always control the way you look and certainly can't always control the way you THINK you look. I try to think about the anorexic girls.... THey think they are so fat and I look at them and think they look like a skeleton. They think if they can just lose 10 pounds they will be attractive and I think they need to gain about 75 to be attractive. If they have such a problem with their body image I must accept that I may have that big a problem too. I think you need your girls night out to celebrate your win. You win everyday that you go to the gym. You win everyday that you eat properly. You win everytime that you log your food. you win so many times each day - you need to celebrate that success. Go have some fajitas! Just try to make sure that the celebration of success does not hinge on the food but the company. I doubt that it really helps for me to tell you that you are doing great and that you look wonderful and that your an inspiration with your success, dedication and positive attitude. It is nice to hear but they are just words. SOmehow, you need to internalize that these are words of truth - not just someone being nice to you. I hope you can feel the good vibes I am sending your way. I know that regardless of what is said to me - when someone comments positively to me I always think they are trying to cover up for their real thoughts. You know I am a good southern girl. If you cant say something nice about a person you either don't comment or lie. When someone exclaims - Oh my. you are looking great. you have lost a ton of weight... I think they are covering up the fact that they are thinking Oh My - what have you done to yourself. You are HUGE or you are so Ugly or something like that. I have heard people do that before. I have a family member who had a traumatic divorce and she lost a huge amount of weight. Then she had a face lift. Then she had dental implants. She looked like a freaking scarecrow in heat. People would exclaim when they saw her not because she looked great but because she looked so awful that they could not NOT comment. Did they say - you look awful? Nope it was always Oh my you look so good. then they would tell us how bad she looked. I internalized this and now no matter what is said I KNOW they think something bad. That is not rational I realize. But that is what I believe. I am trying to change my belief system. It is much harder than losing weight. Just know that you are not alone. 

Chica you are doing great and you look wonderful!!!! I can't imagine trying to diet and take care of a family at the same time.... Your time is valuable and you still manage to make it to the gym. I'm telling you the numbers on the scale are not where you are going to see it....with working out it is going to be all in the inches!!! The fit of your clothes are a big tell. All of us on here are super proud of you and can sympathize with the way you feel. I've got 23 lbs before I hit onderland and it seems like I will never get there, but I have to remember I just lost over 20 lbs in a month and that is something to be proud of. Keep up the good work!!!! 

Thank you all, the moral support means everything to me, and although I wouldn't want anyone struggling how I do sometimes it's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm like you Alex, sometimes I convince myself people are just being nice. It's sick that people actually say nice things and then turn around and talk shit, but a lot of them do. Not me, I don't say nasty things about people I like and if I don't like them I'll say it to their face. The biggest thing for me was no longer caring what they thought, negative or positive. Most of the time I do well, but obviously some days my 'crazy' creeps back in. Thank you for reminding me of all of my daily victories. Strangely it doesn't even seem like I'm doing anything as I've gotten so used to eating well and going to the gym. You ARE beautiful Alex, and if you try to believe that about yourself i'll try to believe it about me :-) Smartin, thanks a million. To date I'm down over thirty inches, and that is something I forget, as I don't do inches every week. You are doing amazing yourself, and I look forward to seeing you in onederland :-)