redwinelover's Journal, 27 February 2011

Well, hell. I avoided recording my weight for hmmmm.... almost 8 weeks! When it first went up, I just thought it was "temporary", just needed to stop the junk eating. Which, actually, I did for the most part. No more cookies, fudge, holiday crap.

BUT I still wasn't working out yet and ate a LOT. I think because I was still craving the sweets... looking for that certain something to soothe that craving. Also knowing that several days of not eating things like cookies and simple carbs (sugars) would eventually get rid of the cravings. Probably some of the post-holiday blues, probably some boredom and probably a bit of laziness. But I just seemed to keep eating and felt embarrassed to post my weight. It got a little better, back to almost 125 when I was cleared to work out. Which was my goal - 125. BUT I had hoped to start out working out again at my lowest weight of 122 - knowing I'd put on weight from working out. Some muscle, some the fluids the body likes to hold onto in the muscles when you first start really working them.

Things seemed to snowball. Down on myself for gaining weight, after all I'd done to get here. Falling back into old habits - especially the nighttime snacking. The worst. I mean, ONE snack? Okay... denial leads to binges and resentment. But I'd eat an apple. Then I'd eat a fiber bar. Then I'd eat a bowl of cereal. All of this, mind you, AFTER dinner. My weight at one point not too long ago, like maybe a week ago, was 133. I just about had a heart attack with the number. Sure, it was "only" 8 lbs above my goal weight, but eleven pounds from my lowest.

Then came the self-doubt, the chastising myself, the belittling myself - much of it subconsciously. Only when I'd pay attention to the things I was saying to myself did I realize how not only self-destructive it has been, but that I'd completely fallen back into the "old" me. The fat me, the one that ate for every occasion, the one that told myself I didn't deserve to be fit and lean. The me that I remember as far back as third grade - comparing myself to other girls in my class and feeling I was "stocky". I'd never be thin, never be lean.

The funny part of this? I was AVERAGE. In sixth grade, much to my horror, we had to get weighed in front of the class and the weight recorded on the chalkboard. A MATH lesson on averages! I weighed 86 lbs (funny, I can't remember last week but I certainly remember THAT). I can't actually remember how tall I was, but think I was 4' 10". Then averages were determined and the boy and girl who represented the average height/weight combination had to stand in front of the class. That was me! And yet, those FAT feelings have been with me since the age of 8, 10 at the latest. Way back then! I can't even IMAGINE the pressure young girls have on them now to be thin. Surely it's worse, even though our children are becoming fatter and fatter.

So it's time (again... I keep saying this... I keep MEANING this....) for me to "act my way to success" again. Just do what I know works for me and keep at it until I get there again. And tune into my inner dialogue and when I hear myself belittle myself, I will say something positive about myself - out loud. I need to come up with a range that I feel comfortable staying within. I'm thinking the 122 - 128 - three pounds on either side of my goal. I think I looked the best at 125. I liked being 122, liked that even those three pounds made a difference in my waist and thighs... but the scary looking arms and face so weren't worth it. Not that everything has plumped back out, just that it's not the MOST obvious thing I notice in the mirror. And THAT is a good thing.

So today my weight was well under the 130+ range and though my original thought (weeks ago!) was to wait and record when it was back to 125, but that still hasn't happened. But as of today, anyway, I'm within my "acceptable" range... I know I need to watch how much I eat whether it comes from good, healthy foods or not. Too much is too much. And mindless eating will lead to a fatter, less happy me.