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So, I am seeking advice.
I obviously have no room to provide commentary or tips on other people's weight, but I noticed that my two college-aged children have both gained substantial weight (I won't speculate how much exactly, but enough that I'm feeling compelled to ask people I trust with something I'm normally very private, but still protective about) during this past year, between their obligations and pandemic stress, etc. I have no trouble relating to why that might drive them to eat. I am mostly just concerned. I was of the mind that I could just leave it alone, and see how things progress when the world is a little more normal again, but this went on longer than I anticipated (as someone who was very compliant with public health guidelines, etc. as were they, so I'm talking full lockdowns, etc. which meant, for them, a lot of delivery food and a lot of inactivity) and I worry they won't be able to turn this around and regain their former (pretty active!) lifestyles as much as they might want to.
How might I best broach this topic? Do I come from a place of concern and experience with this struggle (which they've seen at its worst), or leave my own experience out of it entirely and focus on what they may need as far as support goes? Or, do I just trust them to figure it out and come to me if they need help (I am very open with them that I will never judge first, and only do what to help first, and its served us well throughout their lives)?
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If they've gained weight, they KNOW they've gained and probably the last thing they want is to have it pointed out (at least that's the way I've felt in the past). Perhaps the best thing you can do is to be an example to them by adopting a healthy lifestyle and letting them see how well the weight comes down for you. Actions speak louder than words. Honestly, no judgment here - just answering your request for input.
28 Jun 21 by member: Debbie Cousins
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wow that is a hard one all I can do is wish you luck I don't have any words
28 Jun 21 by member: ridemariel
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Debbie +1. Lead by example. I would add that one would be well advised to NOT expect any exemplary behavior on your part to have any impact on them at all. I am the first in our household to get back in shape post plague, am now walking around with visible abs, and neither of my grown sons, both athletes, have made any effort. People change only in their own time and for their own reasons, if at all.
All that said, the mere facts that you are the parent, have vastly more experience, and pay their fuckin bills mean that you can say whatever you want . If I see something concerning I call it out. As gently and lovingly as I am capable. They do the same. Delivery is everything here. Eschew nagging.
Good luck!
28 Jun 21 by member: jimmiepop
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Debbie +1+1 lead by example. You be you, let them be them. It’s really hard for parents to keep their mouth shut 🤐 unless they ask…
28 Jun 21 by member: Sarah1950
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To be honest, I don't think there exists a good way to broach the topic of weight gain (unless the person is actively trying to gain weight and happy about it). When I was growing progressively fatter, I knew my dad wanted to broach the topic and tried to do it in a million ways he thought were subtle (they weren't, I am very good at reading between the lines) and it made me resentful to the point I just ate even more. Even though he was right that I should not have been putting on weight and even though I am disgusted at myself when I see old photos with fat everywhere, there was no good way to bring it up, especially since my dad has not been lean for years. Did not appreciate the lectures and comments from someone who was fatter than I was and telling me to eat less. I literally wanted to tell those people to f*** off and ask why eating less wasn't working for them if they had it all figured out. Anyway. I think the best thing you can do is practice healthy behaviors and not order in, be as active as possible, and live a healthy lifestyle without talking about it.
28 Jun 21 by member: LaughingChevre
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let them be. if they want help they will find it. I'm a parent they know. its there choice
28 Jun 21 by member: cstrutz
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I would not point it out, they know. No one likes to hear "I notice you gain weight". If they bring it up, just be there to help them along.
28 Jun 21 by member: sweet ria
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I also worry about my daughters' weight, especially since their Dad is diabetic, but they've told me flat out they don't want to hear about it. They both know, they're grown women & want to be treated as such. Sucks, but there you are.
28 Jun 21 by member: Toni Bourlon
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This is kinda why I developed an eating disorder. My mother was overtly concerned and tried to control my behaviors. I know I weigh a lot, hearing it from a loved one only makes me feel worse. Just be the best example that you can be and don’t talk to them or ask them about how they will lose weight.
28 Jun 21 by member: sleepyjaane
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Debbie +1.
Just from my personal experience, I have gained around 6 pounds during the pandemic. My mom was politely bringing my weight up in conversations))): "You weigh as much as I was when I was your age. And that's when I started dieting." I must say that had zero effect on me and just mildly aggravated me.
Then my mom broke her leg in February and the doctor said she needed to lose weight in order for her leg to heal properly. Since March my mom lost 22 pounds! And that's why I'm here... if my mom could do it (and she had way more extra weight than me!)- I can do it too.
28 Jun 21 by member: EyesoftheBlueDog
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My mom was a food pusher. Continually. You’re too thin. You look like a broomstick!! You have no chest!! Eat!! Eat!! Eat!!
Then I’d get….Gee Bob your ass is HUGE!!!!
Could not please this woman!! Ever!!
Please don’t make an issue of their weight.
It’s such a sensitive subject.
Your kids? They know. Their clothes , and mirrors are telling them every day!! If they bring it up to you then you can be loving, supportive,& offer the FSF. We’ll help all we can!!
28 Jun 21 by member: bgr12
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My father started in on my weight when I was in my 15. I was a whole size 7. He put me on an early version of an “Atkins” type diet. Each time I was put on these eating plans and went off them, I ended up 1 dress size higher. By the time I was 19, I was wearing 13s. So began my weight gain woes and my total loss of self esteem. Don’t mention it to them, no matter how well intentioned you are. They are, no doubt, aware of their weight gain. Your bringing it up could start a life of weight and esteem battles for them. Fathers should never undermine a daughter’s self esteem. A fathers opinion is the most important in a daughter’s life. To know that you are “less than” in your fathers eyes is very destructive. I’m 77 and still fighting for that control and self esteem.
28 Jun 21 by member: Johanne
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@Johanne true. At almost 33, I still remember those "well-intentioned" remarks and all it made me feel was that I'd never be good enough.
28 Jun 21 by member: LaughingChevre
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Everything everyone's said is spot on. please don't say anything, it hurts significantly more coming from a family member, no matter how well intentioned. Lead by example! Go for walks and include them in your other fun activities that get people moving, like dancing around the house etc. and healthy eating! Plan for everyone to cook something good together
28 Jun 21 by member: tina.and.tito
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Everything everyone's said is spot on. please don't say anything, it hurts significantly more coming from a family member, no matter how well intentioned. Lead by example! Go for walks and include them in your other fun activities that get people moving, like dancing around the house etc. and healthy eating! Plan for everyone to cook something good together
28 Jun 21 by member: tina.and.tito
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Also everyone gains weight during college... meh it happens. it happened to me
and my friends but we got it back on track afterwards.
28 Jun 21 by member: tina.and.tito
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You sound like an incredible parent. You’ve got this! Your children are lucky to have you.
28 Jun 21 by member: KayBuckaroo
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Lead by example and don’t let them derail you. If they order out pizza (you don’t pay for something you would rather not eat) and they offer you some, eat 2 pieces if you want to and STOP. you are modeling both restraint and the concept that you can have foods that you like, you just don’t have to eat the whole thing.
28 Jun 21 by member: Kenna Morton
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Oh yes, good for you for being concerned for that and not wanting them to head down the same path. Preaching doesn’t help. Talking if they ask for your input might.
28 Jun 21 by member: Kenna Morton
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I'm in same predicament but with my sister..I think easier to approach her than your children...I'm interested in advice you get, all I can offer is support 💜💜
28 Jun 21 by member: Diana 1234
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