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Today is a hard day I found out the other day that my Mom is dying. They are consulting with Hospice to get an expectancy opinion from them. I wanted to be at that appointment but she won't let me. She says I haven't been involved enough in her life the last several years to be there and only wants my sister who has made it her full time job to take care of Mom over the last several years. They don't even tell me when she is hospitalized. They have totally cut me out of her life and I'm worried they won't tell me when she dies. I'm crying off and on all day... got up at 7:30 and it's now 11. I cheated and got another coffee it's sugar free but about 2 cups of half and half so not exactly calorie and carb friendly. I just don't care today I didn't want to smoke and needed some kind of comfort vise... I don't drink or use drugs so I chose a sugar free caramel/vanilla breve 32 oz though and iced. It was yummy and something I used to do twice a day... so not too bad of a cheat but I still consider it a cheat. I'm back up to 252.5 now and this is getting old so I'm gonna have to cut the stupid sf candy out and see if that is the culprit. I'm considering going ahead and working out again but going to consult my doctor first to make sure I won't injure my ribs by doing so. I'm tired and need friends today so I'm gonna go to a noon AA meeting. I have got to find myself a new sponsor because I could use one right now and simply don't trust my old sponsor any more.
Diet Calendar Entries for 10 November 2010:
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2178 kcal
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Fat: 164.19g | Prot: 168.29g | Carb: 58.14g.
Breakfast: Advantage Dark Chocolate Royale Shake, Chocolate Whey Protein. Lunch: bleu cheese dressing, Iceburg Lettuce Leaf, Bacon Crumbles, cheddar cheese, Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten). Dinner: kfc creamy ceasar salad dressing, kfc roasted chicken ceasar salad. Snacks/Other: Hershey's Special Dark Chocolates sugar free, Sugar Free Toffee Squares, York peppermint patties sugar free, yogurt, sugar free caramel syrup, sugar free vanilla syrup, half and half, espresso. more...
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3475 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 13 hours, Driving - 1 hour, Resting - 1 hour, Sleeping - 9 hours. more...
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 Comments
Please do find yourself a new sponsor. You don't want to undo all the good things you have done for yourself because of your selfish family. I can totally feel for you regarding the thing with your mother. I live 2000 km away from mine while my sister is less than an hour away, so I am the bad daughter because I am not there 6 days a week. You know you are a good person, and you have put a lot of work into improving your health, don't throw it away for people who will just say "I told you so" if they were to find out. Find some great people who appreciate you for yourself and who can see what a wonderful person you are. Remember, we can choose our friends, but not our family. I know a big part of my own weight problem is issues with my mother, who tells me to my face that not only am I a bad daughter, but a rotten mother as well, even though I have raised 4 kids of my own single handedly (2 natural & 2 adopted) and these kids would walk through molten lava for me, so how bad a mother could I be? If you need extra help, send me a private message any time, I believe in you!
10 Nov 10 by member: fluffynotfat
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Oh sweetie, I am so sorry about your mother. Not sure of what the past was like between you and her but being there are addictions involved, I can only imagine based upon addictions in my family. Honey, it's not too late. She may be hurt and feels like she can't trust you. But that is the old you. Be there. Go whereever she is and let her know you are here now. You can't change the past but can change how you are going to be there from now on. She is your mother. You are her child. Don't let anyone get in the way of your being there. Do this.
10 Nov 10 by member: kmartin
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Thanks K and fluffy I made amends on more than one occasion she says she accepts it but then throws it in my face at a later date. She is a recovering Alcoholic that quit doing meetings and working on herself after her first year so it's tough being around her. She is a VERY negative person. I love her she's my Mom but don't really like who she is.
10 Nov 10 by member: Myree67
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Time for a little tunnel vision...get to the meeting, find a new sponsor, check with your doctor about exercise, get yourself solidly on plan. You need to be strong and healthy and in tune with your own needs. Then...talk to your mom. You have a special opportunity to reconnect with her - and your sister, as well - during this time; many people do not get such an opportunity. When that unfortunate time comes, you will want to feel that you did everything, on your part, to reconnect. This can be a peaceful time for your family, truly, but it can also be trying as everyone begins to grieve. Things may be said in the heat of a moment that people will regret later. If your mother just received the news herself, I'm sure her own emotions are all over the place as she works to come to terms with it. This is a time when you really need to find that serenity for yourself. Myree, I'm so very sorry you're going thru this.
10 Nov 10 by member: Sandy701
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Thanks Sandy I got a new sponsor she's a retread and only has a couple of years this go around but had over 11 before but she is always really calm and caring. I really like her. She has suggested that I wait till tomorrow to talk to my Mom since the hospice appt is today and my Mom will be emotionally drained tonight plus my emotions are still really raw today. So I'm waiting till tomorrow or the next day to call and talk with her and apologize to her for my reaction. I have to be prepared that it may fall on deaf ears or it may not so long as I clean up my side of the street and open the door if she wants to go through it. I feel much better after the meeting and talking with my new sponsor!
10 Nov 10 by member: Myree67
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Myree, I don't have anything intelligent to say, just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and so sorry about your sad news.
10 Nov 10 by member: sarahsmum
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Good idea to wait until tomorrow. I also had a thought after I posted that I believe most hospice facilities have a counselor of some sort on staff. While their main focus is on the patient/resident, I'm sure they've dealt with similar situations and might have some suggestions for you, or might even act as a go-between, if needed. Might be worth getting acquainted with them.
10 Nov 10 by member: Sandy701
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Myree,
I am sorry that you are going through this by yourself. Do you have any other family members who can be of support to you at this time? My mother passed away about three months ago and it was extremely difficult for myself. I know it's alot easier said than done to pick up a comfort beverage or food item of your choice. You have to try and stay strong and just know that "YOU" are a good person regardless of what your mother or sibling my think. If you can go out for a walk to get some fresh air or to the fitness center to work off the stress this would be helpful. Please feel free to send me a private message if you would like to discuss further. I am here for you!
11 Nov 10 by member: tcunningham253
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Myree, I can only say that I am praying for you. This is such a difficult time, and I completely understand yuor feelings. Your new sponsor sounds like a really smart lady. Take her advice....wait until tomorrow, then call your mom and make amends, even if you have to take all the blame (you know it isn't true, after all)...she is in Hospice and that indicates that there isn't alot of time left (sorry to be blunt, but the fact is that time is of the essence), and you need to reconcile with her for the health of YOUR psyche. If you don't, you will never forgive yourself, which may lead you right back to the self destructive behaviour that you have worked so hard to overcome. Huggs! <3<3<3
11 Nov 10 by member: ctlss
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Myree, I am truely sorry for this painful time in your life. I believe you're already getting very good advice so all I have to add is I've lit a candle for you and your family. Gentle {{{hugs}}} - Ruby
11 Nov 10 by member: RubyRedSox
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