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Had a mini meltdown the other day -- my size 14 jeans were super tight, and I lost it. I don't understand. I've been really trying -- going to 2 classes a week, watching what I eat. But weekends I just lose it. I feel like I'm totally being dedicated, but I know that's not really true if I look at it hard enough. I have struggled with some food issues in the past and am terrified that the only *true* way to lose is to punish myself and abuse my body.
I don't even have super lofty goals! I'm trying to go from 200 lbs approx. to maybe 190 or 180! I'm not even trying to be *skinny*!
I went to a cottage this past weekend with my girlfriends from high school, one of whom was bulimic for many years. She's better now, but is a vegan and goes to the gym every single day. She looks like an action figure. I know that partly, her new diet/exercise thing is another (healthier) form of the same extreme behaviour that led her to barf up everything she ate for 6 years. But Watching her get up for a morning run, I realized that what I was calling "dedication" was still just a pale imitation of true dedication. I consider two pilates classes and 30 mins on the elliptical, plus walking to the subway station 4 times a week to be "exercise". I consider eating 24 WW points minimum to be "dieting". My girlfriend was like a living testimony to the amount to which I've been deluding myself.
Since I've been back, I've been falling into the same crappy traps as before: I'm working late almost every night this month and next. Now, when that happens, I'm *supposed* to stagger my hours -- come in late if I"m working late. But my job is really demanding, so I don't always get a chance to do that. So on days like yesterday, for example, I work from 9-9. How the hell am I supposed to fit in exercise there? AND, how am I supposed to maintain good eating habits when I often wolf something down at my desk at noon and then don't eat again until 9 or 10 pm? I've seriously thought about quitting my job just for the weight I'd no doubt lose. That's pathetic. My vegan bodybuilder girlfriend has a partner, a stressful job AND still goes out on weekends and looks absolutely amazing. What am I doing wrong?
The thing that kills me is that I'm really ready and I still find myself doing things to sabotage myself: buyin packages of skittles or peanuts(why?) at the newsstand in the subway station on the way home. Eating a back bacon cheeseburger, onion rings AND a milkshake at Harvey's this Monday (why?). Going to a lasange cook-off (why, why, WHY?). I *know* better. But I still screw up almost every day.
Every single day I wake up and say "this is the day." I plan good things for myself, practice goal-setting, positive self-talk, all that. I just need to try harder? How much harder can I possibly try?
I really need some support. I haven't received many comments or emails from this site yet, and that is what I really need. SO any feedback anyone reading this can offer me, I'd really appreciate it.
Diet Calendar Entries for 25 September 2008:
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1888 kcal
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Fat: 22.39g | Prot: 79.68g | Carb: 284.16g.
Breakfast: vivanno. Lunch: grapes, yves salami, weight watchers bagel, sour cream, wendy's potato. Dinner: goat cheese, grilled portabello, green salad, chicken breast, spaghetti. Snacks/Other: five alive, quaker rice crisps, beer. more...
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2599 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Exercise machine (fast) - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours and 30 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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