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I know that no one expects to hear a fat person say "I need to eat more" when they are trying to lose weight, but I really do. And I know it. It's not that I'm exceedingly hungry, I mean I do get hungry but it seems to be more manageable now for some reason. This is the longest period of time that I have been able to maintain a change in my eating lifestyle. Usually when I want to lose weight I go on some fad crash diet, I lose some weight and then I get tired of not eating bread or eating one meal a day or six meals a day. The vegetarian thing worked for about two months and then I decided we were given canine teeth for a reason (that being to tear into meat, glorious meat). Anyway, I have tried to do better about eating more and not skipping breakfast but I find that lately it's like I'm playing a game with myself...and I am way to competitive to lose. I know I have to fuel my body properly and I did eat more when I hit a small plateau. But now that I am losing again I am eating less than I was before my plateau. This morning I felt like I was either going to pass out or throw up. So I ate some breakfast and felt better in about half an hour. I know I crashed so hard this morning because I haven't even eaten 1000 calories a day for the last three days. Even though I knew I needed food this morning, it killed me to put it in my mouth. I was actually kinda mad at myself for giving in. The reasonable, rational side of me says to quit being an idiot and to freakin eat already. But the side of me that is excited about and dedicated to weight loss is terrified that if I allow myself to eat any more than I do, that I will jump of the edge, eat everything in sight and gain it back. Plus I don't feel deprived right now at all. I don't miss chocolate, candy or cake at all. But I know if I want it I can have it because I don't eat enough during the day for a piece of candy to ruin anything. Additionally, I HAVE to lose this weight. It is important to me because of what it means. Not only am I finally controlling at least a small part of my life, I am taking a major step in the direction of avoiding diabetes and heart disease and am lowering my blood pressure. I know that I should eat more and really feed my body the right way but, and it's a big but...My husband won't agree to have a baby with me until my Dr. says ok. I am running out of time to do this. I don't want to have a baby after the age of 35 and I'm almost 33. If I can lose weight and be really super healthy, My Dr. will clear me to have a baby with my husband. And I want that more than I want my next breath. I want it so bad that it is raw inside of me... the only thing that I want so intensely that I breathe, eat, and sleep it. Please don't judge me for it... I just want a little person half me and half him. A living, breathing, outward expression of our love for each other. I want to feel our child growing inside me and I want to hold their little hand and kiss their little feet and look at their little face and see bits of us all mixed together. It's all I want.
Diet Calendar Entry for 29 August 2010:
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1309 kcal
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Fat: 57.81g | Prot: 74.89g | Carb: 122.26g.
Breakfast: Artichoke & Garlic Hummus, Lite Soft Cream Cheese, Heart Healthy Wheat English Muffins. Lunch: French Fries (Small), Chicken McNuggets (10 Pieces). Dinner: Mashed Potatoes (Whole Milk and Butter Added), Corn, Chicken Breast (Skin Not Eaten). more...
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