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So I am having one of those days...the melancholy kind that makes you want to go to bed and pull the covers over your head. Or eat everything you shouldn't hoping the old friend that has consoled you your entire life works again. Cherry Garcia or chubby hubby should do it, I think. Except I know that it is not my hunger compelling me to consume an entire carton of chocolate chip cherry goodness. So my addiction rears it's head in an ugly way. My need to ease the hurt I feel inside is entirely consuming. But I am fighting it. I hope that by writing about my feelings, maybe they will cease to seem so big. I was once told that if you pour out your feelings on paper (or screen, as it were) it will feel better. I fear though that if I pour my feelings out of my heart it will just be more hollow. Like pouring water out of a cup. There will be nothing left. And to be completely honest, the only thing I fear more than the darkness I feel in this moment is the emptiness that I could feel. Cavernous, dark, cool, engulfing emptiness. Emptiness that I have in the past attempted to fill with food. But it never works for long does it? Sure it feels good at the time, sedating oneself with sugar and fat and all the things that release those blessed endorphins. But what after? Nothing but the contempt and self hatred of knowing that you weren't strong enough to deal with your own darkness in a way that didn't harm your body. It's no different than drinking or drugging or cutting except eating is at least more acceptable in our society.
So, I should tell I suppose, why it is I feel this way. Most of the time I honestly do not know why I am subject to these feelings. However today I do. My very best friend walked away the other day. She has no use for me anymore. Because it is easier for her to walk away than to try and work it out. I asked simply for her understanding and support. Nothing more than the respect and love of a friend. But she doesn't think she can give it. She doesn't think she can learn to accept that I am married now and that I have to rearrange my priorities. I acknowledge that I have changed, am changing. I am growing, older, wiser, growing up I guess. The last several years of my life have been a series of life changing events and I cannot escape the fact that I have to continue the journey that I have started. I suppose it is normal for people to grow apart but I truly thought she was my best friend, that we would be friends until we were old and gray. I hoped we were growing together. Apparently not.
So I will try not to eat my feelings today, but I will say my heart isn't in it today. I will try to stay on track but I really just don't want to.
Diet Calendar Entry for 22 August 2010:
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1467 kcal
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Fat: 50.64g | Prot: 50.96g | Carb: 205.54g.
Breakfast: Vitamin D Whole Milk, Cinnamon Apple Filled Doughnut. Lunch: Cantina Taco - Carnitas, Cantina Taco - Chicken, Cantina Taco - Steak. Dinner: Saltines, Apple Jalapeno Jelly, Light Cream Cheese, Wheat English Muffins, Roasted Garlic Hummus. more...
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