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Tracey115
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Tracey115's Journal

 
showing entries 16 to 20 of 41
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04 June 2017

Idk what's going on and I'm not really complaining but I've "only" gained about 1 pound and I've been consuming 2,600-4,300 calories a day for weeks, maybe months now with very minimal, accidental or I mean, incidental mild activity. Light weeding of my gardens, housework and just being alive. If I could adhere to my 1,500 calories per day, I'd probably reach my goal weight fairly quickly. I just bought a pair of 7 For All Mankind capris at Sam's Club and bought size 29 (size 8), thought they were going to be too tight bc it reads "Skinny" fit so I wasn't going to beat myself up too badly if I would've had to exchange them for a size 10 but I really don't like going up to double digits sizing! 😔The 8's do fit snugly but in the description it says "skinny fit"! And they're not uncomfortable at all. Thank God for 4 way stretch Lycra spandex! 😂 Don't care, still size 8 and they look decent. Not too bulgy and lumpy and they're a slimming dark indigo color.
It's been really hot here. I'm a cat enthusiast (crazy cat lady) so we're going to over to his brother's farm where there are 4 feral cats and 2 mewborn kittens! I'm going to try to tame the baby kittens!
Weigh-in: 151.0 lb lost so far: 1.0 lb still to go: 26.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment gaining 0.1 lb a week

30 May 2017

Ugh! 😞 I don't know how to reply to replies on my journal 📓 entries. I appreciate any feedback so if I don't respond it's just bc I'm too stupid to figure out how to reply.
Trying to snap out of this depression. My 17 year relationship could be ending abrupt. I don't want to lose him but in my old age, I've become stubborn and not willing to compromise my feelings anymore. My weight is still about the highest it's ever been in my life. Surprisingly, I have not had significant weight gains in spite of consuming 2,400-2,900 calories every day. 😳 I complain about my aging, slowing metabolism but I'm actually pretty lucky? Most of my calories come from carbohydrates too. Sugar. Soda. White rice, moderate to high fat and low to moderate protein. If I could ever stick to Keto diet, I'd probably get lean fairly quickly.
Weigh-in: 150.9 lb lost so far: 1.1 lb still to go: 25.9 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (9 comments) gaining 0.5 lb a week

26 May 2017

I honestly don't give a f about my enormous weight today. It's all over for me. I wish I had a gun. It's going to be long, drawn out painful death 💀. I suppose I deserve it. I lie to my fiancé all the time. I do whatever it is I want to do. I don't cheat. I'd never be physically unfaithful but am I a good partner? Hell no. I badmouth him to ppl. He can be controlling though. I am a horrible stepmother to his 15 year old son. His son doesn't think so bc I let him do whatever he wants so I'm "pretty cool."
I have no desire to impose my will on anyone else. I don't like restrictions being placed on me. I spend money like crazy and lie about it. I'm lazy as f. I don't do a damn thing but I want what I want. I pretend that I'm nice and sweet but I'm really not. I never deliberately set out to hurt others but it happens. I lie sometimes to spare other people's feelings. I have been depressed and suicidal since age 11 or 12. I'm practically 50 now. It never gets better. For the last couple years I promised myself that suicide wasn't going to be an option anymore but I'm rethinking that now. Maybe I'll just get extremely drunk 😵 tonight. I rarely drink so won't take much. Life sucks. I'm such a child, this entry is nearly identical to my sentiments when I was 14 or 15! 😂 I'm such a pathetic joke.
Weigh-in: 150.6 lb lost so far: 1.4 lb still to go: 25.6 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (2 comments) gaining 0.3 lb a week

14 May 2017

Weigh-in: 150.1 lb lost so far: 1.9 lb still to go: 25.1 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (1 comment) gaining 0.1 lb a week

01 May 2017

Just weighed myself now, after 1/2 Pepsi and my first cup ☕️ of coffee w cream. Going for my 2nd cup now. I always forget to weigh myself when I first wake up. I'm wearing a big, bulky UnderArmor hoodie, that has to weigh like 20 lbs, right? 😂
I never deduct anything from my weight for my clothing.
I've concluded that I need someone to lock 🔐 me up in a room full of mirrors, starve me, well of course give me water so I don't die. Maybe coffee to stave off migraines and force me to exercise. Wait, after re-reading that sounds creepy & illegal but I just have no willpower on my own. I cut up celery last week, put in large plastic bag in the front of the fridge so it'd be convenient and accessible. What did I eat instead of the celery that would have been just as easy to grab.....Pringles! 🙁 Now the celery is getting mushy and brownish so it's getting thrown out. So wasteful.
I was craving salt. Celery used to help tame salt cravings but I just didn't give it a chance.
Still having my caffeine trifecta as soon as I wake up. I have insomnia, never sleep well, never feel refreshed and well rested. I think my lack of sleep has also contributed to my weight gain. When I was younger and didn't sleep well, i had difficulty putting on weight! Why the change? I actually fear and dread getting on scale now and it used to be no big deal. I see my counselor tomorrow. In my real, day to day life, I don't feel as if I'm ever safe enough to be my real self. If I were, I wouldn't be a very nice person. I seldom raise my voice, I'm so timid. That's not really me though. I'm pretty much a self centered bitch. 😔 I resent doing things for other people and having responsibilities. Though to be honest, I don't have that many compared to some people. I have no issue caring for my mean, beautiful cat. She's the love of my life, not my "fiancé". My children are distant and bitter. I cannot blame them. I'm a failure as a Mother. I'm never going to have the kind of life I truly desire. My fault, I f'd up. Usually journaling is cathartic to me, I'm just in a low mood. Sigh. If I weren't in debt, I'd go get my hair and nails done 💅🏻 today! 🙂
I just want someone to listen to classic rock with, go for walks, and enjoy nature with. My fiancé is not in anyway a "bad" person, I respect him. He's very hardworking. We just have little in common anymore. He works a lot and that's fine, I know that's just him but he doesn't really even know me. I once had a friend in my life whom I didn't treat as well as I should have. I cherished our friendship but didn't realize how much until we're no longer in contact. 😔It was not at all a romantic relationship, well, I didn't have those feelings. He was 27-28 years older than me. I've recently learned he has advanced prostate cancer.
He was actually my best friend. He made me laugh. He thought I was adorable! 😊He was kind to my children. He was so thoughtful and considerate. We walked and went to parks. We went shopping. He listened to me. We went on road trips. We watched movies together. He deserved better than how poorly I treated him. He was a Vietnam veteran, like my Father. I've just been thinking of him a lot lately. Tomorrow is his birthday and I'm going to text him Happy Birthday. My fiancé is the one who insisted I cut off my friendship. People would tease me that this friend was my "sugar Daddy". Not so! Sometimes he would buy dinner for my children and I. Sometimes gifts but often I would make dinners or we'd just walk on the nature trails or just talk. It's nice to have someone who genuinely cares how you feel. I miss that. 😔
Weigh-in: 149.9 lb lost so far: 2.1 lb still to go: 24.9 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment losing 0.7 lb a week

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