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11 March 2011

11 March 2011

09 March 2011

09 March 2011

So today I decided that I was going to make this journal public again. I dont know. I call myself a writer and Im afraid to let people read what I write. Yes this journal is very personal and that's what scares the crap out of me. What if people know what Im really thinking or God forbid... FEELING!
Im so scared... not that complete strangers will go on this journey with me, but because Im so angry and tired of being angry.
But i need to open up and just put myself out there. Im tired of being scared of being vulnerable. at least its anonymous. for now. someday when im famous im going to have to destroy this journal :)
My biggest fear is that I will edit my thoughts, fear of being judged. But Im going to do it anyway. Its important to me. I will cringe inwardly at the thought of having these personal reflections judged by others, but that is the price Im willing to pay.
No self-editing. no fixing of typos, grammar etc etc. no editing. maybe i shud become and editor or book critic instead. hmmm.

anyway. an earlier entry today was about me being angry. ANGRY! WITH A GAZILLION !!!!s. drama queen. thats me. just been a frustrating day and then when i got home there was just some stuff i had to deal with and i treated some people badly who didnt deserve to be treated badly and im not strong enough yet to fess up and take my medicine. will have to confess it to someone. im going to get shit for it later. i know that.
no matter. i'll be able to deal with it ibetter then. right now im a bit emotionally fragile. i even screamed at the cats. why do i get so angry? so quickly... control. or lack thereof. bah! i can control what i eat, thats all i CAN control.
So i was feeling pretty miserable and destructive and was SO tempted to binge-eat or stuff something sweet into my mouth, but i resisted. thats EXACTLY how i want to respond everytime that urge overcomes me.

so im glad for that. for the rest im so not proud of myself :(

09 March 2011

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