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08 January 2012

...and so the roller coaster makes it's way back UP the hill.

I'm telling you, my life is starting to make me feel as though I'm bipolar. The only reason I don't believe that's the case is the ups and downs are SO tied to exactly what's going on around here. So we're back on the upswing and I guess I'll just stop, take a breath, look around and enjoy what there is to enjoy for the moment. That WOULD be the sane thing to do, right? (see how I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity?!)

At the risk of sharing FAR too much information (and a totally different subject than above! lol), I knew I'd been walking around with far too much ... uh... waste? shall we say? I mean, for WEEKS now (since Thanksgiving) I've been feeling that way. And now? :D Feel like I've caught up to Christmas, at least! ewwww... sorry for sharing, but I'm telling you, my entire outlook is better. Actually I feel far less "toxic". I knew that was one of the reasons hiking was so hard on me last week. Okay, enough about poo.

The scale is my friend again today (duh...after what I've just shared) and now I'm at 134. Yep, I can see the 120's in a couple of weeks. Well, three if historical averages hold true (and I stick to diet and exercise). So that's four pounds and a bit of change over the last couple of weeks. Well, less time, actually. I think it's odd how just a couple of pounds can make such a difference in how I not only feel, but in how I look. Add four pounds and I definitely look like I'm on my way to being a little heavy. Now I look "normal" - not fat, not thin, almost on the heavier side, but not yet. And four less pounds makes the difference between that and being at a good weight, four less and I can put on most anything and feel good about it. Such narrow ranges! Who'd have thought such small differences could make such an impact? Well, not me, apparently!

So anyway, 9 lbs seems far less daunting to lose than 14 or 15. You know, that's not even the word I'm looking for. I know I can lose weight - it's not that. I think it has a lot more to do with the idea that I can still let myself spiral out of control to the point I regain 15 lbs... and quickly. So ... more of a disappointment with myself? And knowing I'm 9 lbs away from where I want to be, rather than 15- I'm less disappointed with myself?

Regardless, things are better on the home-front. A little. I'll TAKE it! ANY reprieve from the madness. My husband seems to feel a little better. Thank goodness, as yesterday he felt worse than the day before and that was after starting meds. Last night was peaceful here at home, it's a bright, sunny day today, we've had a lot of sleep (!) and we are now only 5 days away from the psychiatrist visit with my daughter. I know I'm putting maybe a little TOO much store in that visit, but I'm trying to view that as a jumping off point- a step in the right direction, hopefully some guidance as to where to turn. I don't think this guy "has all the answers", but I'm hoping for some professional opinions and some referrals. Hopefully.

So today? The sun is shining and I feel hopeful.

07 January 2012

A roller coaster. I swear, I'm on this giant, sickening roller coaster ride and I want off. Funny, I used to LOVE roller coasters. But this isn't a story I'm willing to get into now. Just mentioning it as I'm sure it affects my overall outlook.

Diet is going well so far. Poor hubby is sick and in bed now. No hiking for us this weekend, for sure. He's on the z-pack and sure that'll knock out whatever he's dealing with as far as the cough is concerned, but now I fear he may also have the flu. Hard to know since he's so sensitive to hydrocodone and the cough medicine the doctor prescribed has that in it.

My weight was down some on the scale today. Still just over 135 and in my stubbornness and my need to play the ostrich, I'm not officially recording those numbers. I'm "recording" here so I can look back and know. I know, it's silly. I may put in historical numbers once back in those 120's. Wow, seems so far away. And to think I thought I was getting fat at 128. I'd be jumping for JOY to see that number. Hey, someone remind me of that when I get there. I have this habit of looking past the present good as if it's not good enough.

Sorry to sound like such a downer here. Life (okay...my daughter) keeps throwing this fast balls at me and I just can't seem to duck fast enough. sigh....

06 January 2012

Made it through yesterday sticking to lower calories and already feel a bit better. No less bloated and heavy, to be sure, but mentally - I feel better prepared to get on with this. I still find it shocking how quickly I can pack on pounds. Couple that with my apparent lack of control when faced with stressful situations and it's not a pretty sight! lol...

But I think I've reached that "enough is enough" point and am determined to treat myself right, eat healthier foods again and start liking the reflection in the mirror again. Tall order, but I can do it. I SO miss grabbing any pair of jeans from the closet, putting them on, throwing on a sweater or clingy top and thinking I look kinda cute :D. It's been... weeks since I had that feeling. I'm just hoping my tummy skin didn't stretch out more! Also hoping I can take the fat off from the places I packed it on (and not lose whatever bit of fat I have left in my face or forearms or hands!).

Didn't work out yesterday but got a workout putting the Christmas tree away and the rest of the decorations that I hadn't gotten to. Ended up burning 2700 calories, so I should have had a good 1,000 calorie deficit for the day.

Looking at my Bodybugg stats for the previous year it appears I burn an average of 2400 per day. Of course, that average takes in those 10 - 12 mile hike days with lots of calories burned, and days when I'm a total slug and barely move from the sofa. I think that's one area where I may be making a mistake. Just because I "average" 2400 calories burned per day, doesn't mean I can eat that many and not gain weight. I really have come to believe that ANY day I consume more calories than I've burned, I add weight - that an "average" doesn't apply to day to day living. At least that MY experience with this after two years of this lifestyle change. I'm not claiming this holds true across the board, but it would appear so in my own case. Which would mean I can eat well and have a deficit six days out of seven, but if on that seventh day I happen to eat more than I've burned... seems to wipe out any chance of a loss. So again, for ME, I think the lesson to be learned here is consistency.

Well, I have a lot of errands to run today and think I'll get started on those. May or may not do a formal workout later on. I've been putting off some of these errands for days now and don't need yet another excuse. Hope my FS buddies have a wonderful, productive, and successful (however you define) day!

05 January 2012

Still putting away Christmas crap. Almost there, though... finally. I'm in the process of taking the lights off the tree and dismantling the tree. I decided before I started that I'd make a list of all the lights I'll need for next year, based on whether there are at least 10% of the lights out. Well crap, I'm on the 10th strand of 100 and only 1 strand has all the lights working!

..... much, much later. Finished taking down the tree and packing it up. Well, looks like I need a minimum of 10 strands of lights for next year and up to 17 strands. I just don't know how much time I want to invest in replacing bulbs. I had decided that if a strand of 100 lights had ten lights out - it needs to be replaced. Oh my. I may just change my mind on that when faced with paying a couple hundred dollars for new lights! I'd thought about switching to the LED's but wow, that would be a lot of money! We'll see.

Anyway, most of the Christmas stuff is now packed away and much of it put on the garage shelves, too. Been a long day - no workout to speak of, but I'm going to count this as my workout.

04 January 2012

Well... just got back from the store and getting my hair done. I hope I'll like the cut - don't care for the way she styles it, so I probably won't know until I do it myself. It feels good and smells good, though. :D And it really felt good to have someone wash my hair and all that good pampering that goes on. Had more highlights put in, too.

I think I did better with the food yesterday. Well, it wouldn't be that difficult to improve upon the previous WEEKS of eating! lol. Still not feeling something like a salad. Does that happen to others? Eat so much crap for so long that the idea of something like a salad sounds repulsive? Think I need a trip to Wildflower Bread Co. for one of their Wildflower salads. That'd "cure" me.

Felt ever so slightly thinner this morning when I woke up. Not enough to dare getting on the scale. Oh! And a BIG KUDOS to ctlss for not only FACING that demon scale, but having the kahuna's to record it! I'm not recording my (15 lb) weight gain :D.... Not for "the record"... but I WILL record my weight once it's closer to 130 than it is to 140. Deal? (hahahaha... as if)

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