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Weight History
showing entries 1 to 4 of 4
10 October 2008
My husband is finally coming home today from deployment, so I'll probably be extremely busy running around getting the house, our daughter, and I ready for his arrival. I scrambled some eggs this morning and added the last of the fajita filling. Gotta use up those shrimp before he comes home, since he can't eat them. I chopped up the shrimp and melted some cheese over the egg scramble, and spread some hot sauce on a tortilla. I've discovered a new love of hot things with eggs, including salsa and hot sauce. I'd never experimented with it before, but I tried it out once soon after my husband left, and it's been nonstop spicy egg love ever since. :)
I wish I had more knowledge about calories. I add up what I eat during the day, but I don't really know what it means. Okay, so I apparently ate 700 calories for breakfast. Is that good, bad? Does that mean I need to eat less at my other meals, or am I right on target? I'm dying to take a class or something on nutrition, because pretty much all of this is new to me.
Depending on what time my husband gets home, we're going to try and make it to this little Korean place in town. It has the most incredible food, and I have been craving it for nearly a month now. I can't wait to see what he thinks of it.
It's going to feel so good to have him home. I'm anxious about a few things, but I'm trying to stay positive.
(1 comment)
09 October 2008
Woke up this morning craving salsa with a kick. Thankfully, I'd just gone to the store yesterday and bought some salsa verde, which I've had before and loved. Daughter and I munched on chips and the salsa for a little while - for not even two years old, she LOVES spicy food. I still feel a little bit hungry, but I can't tell if that's because I didn't eat enough, or if it's just because I'm bored. Normally, I'd eat a bit and then smoke for the rest of the day if I felt hungry, but I ran out of smokes last night.
I never learned how to stop eating when I feel full. I was always told simply to clean my plate. So rather than a meal being about satisfying my hunger, it's usually about finishing what's in front of me. This makes it really hard when we eat at my in-laws' house. My husband and his family are Korean, and they set their table with many dishes, which you use your chopsticks to pick from as you eat. Your actual plate is typically empty, other than white rice. And without fail, I always eat too much, because my brain tells my stomach to keep eating, since there is still food in front of me.
You'd think that with everything I have to do (this place is a wreck and my husband comes home from deployment tomorrow) that I'd be too busy to be hungry or bored. But here I sit, unmotivated while my daughter drags her toys, which I just picked up, from one end of the house to the other.
Ugh. I really need something to kick me in the ass and get me going today.
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08 October 2008
It's my first journal entry, and I'm already frustrated with myself. Got up this morning determined to do well today, since my husband will be home in only two short days. But when I went in the kitchen, I discovered that we were out of our breakfast stores (eggs, milk, fruit) but we had an abundance of leftovers that were going to go bad, like the spaghetti sauce I made from scratch in the crockpot almost a week ago, and the stew I made just as long ago. I thought about heading to McDonald's for breakfast, but I decided against it to save money. And hey, spaghetti is basically tons of vegetables and wheat pasta, so it must be better for me.
But now, as I add up my intake of food for the morning, I realize I really should have just eaten a piece of toast and called it a morning. Because the spaghetti lead to cheese, which lead to garlic toast, which led to me making a glass of strawberry milk to share with my daughter. And instead of feeling full and satisfied, I just feel sick.
I know that I should really get out and take a walk today. I should really do a lot of things today. But again, he'll be home in two days from his deployment, and I am desperate to get this house spotless before he gets here. And in order to do that, I pretty much have to do nothing but clean for the next few days.
If I'm being honest with myself, I spent the first portion of his deployment soothing myself with food, despite my determination previously to use his absence to stop eating altogether and exercise like a nut so he came home to a hot wife. And the second half of his deployment? I've used smoking heavily as a way to stop myself from eating everything in sight, and I often skip dinner at night in favor of drinking alcohol.
I know these aren't exactly healthy behaviors or choices. I know I need to get out and move, I need to get my daughter some fresh air and exercise, I need to not be depressed and self medicate with either food or smokes or booze. I'm trying, which is why I guess I'm here. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. Maybe I'll connect with some new friends, maybe no one will read this.
All I know is that I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of hating myself, I'm sick of hating my life and being unhappy. I'm sick of not trusting my husband's motives and honesty when he tells me he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman alive. I want to believe him again, but more than that, I want to feel that way again.
Here's to hope.
(1 comment)
08 October 2008
Weigh-in:
160.0 lb
lost so far:
0 lb
still to go:
35.0 lb
Diet followed N/A
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