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After a year and a half of determination, pain and struggle, I am back at the beginning of it all. I am out of control. I am eating the things that have always been my nemesis, instead of the delicious fresh natural foods of the Earth. I consistently refuse to work my body while every day I feel it get weaker and weaker, to the point where I am losing control of my balance as well as my bodily functions. I keep trying to remember how I began the journey in Nov 2020, but can't find the way. I hurt in the strangest places and can find no place where there is relief. I n watching television programs I am honored with seeing exotic places and people doing the most incredible things. Instead of gratitude and joy at witnessing these things I resent myself for not doing more to have kept my health and fitness. I want it to be me, in real life, seeing and doing those places and events. Never mind that I couldn't have seen such rare and unusual places inside my short and difficult life. Never mind, even with excellent health, that I couldn't have trained and learned to do those wondrous things in ten lifetimes. I have never had the power, money and influence ever in my life to be able to achieve all those goals in any lifetime. I am just me. Good, but not good enough to live or achieve that fantasy world.
True is me. Unbelievable am I. Hence I am a fraud. This shell, this phony is what I am. I am so sorry for all my failings, my frauds, my laziness. I am sorry I wasted your time while I wasted my life.
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188.0 lb
Lost so far: 24.6 lb.
Still to go: 18.0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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gaining 0.5 lb a week
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