Snowwhite100's Journal, 20 February 2024

First the positive things in my life. I've only had a glass of wine twice and only 2 desserts or sugary sweets in 50 days. Last year I did that for 5 months. But I haven't lost any weight in that time. I eat too much bread and high carbs. At my age, and low muscle mass, I can't lose unless I am super strict. But I still count it a victory to have almost no alcohol and sweets. I still do intermittent fasting 7 days a week and average about 16 hours a day. Another positive thing in my life, as of the first of the year, I am getting out more. My local county Senior Center is only ½ mile from my house. They have an exercise class 3 times a week mostly in a chair, which is great for me. I don't make it each time but desire to go as much as possible. There are usually a couple of other once-a-week classes going on like beginning line dancing, therapy dancing, or crafts. Line-dancing at 82 isn't too bad, is it? They have once-a-month pot-luck lunches plus a field trip day. I went to each once now, and want to be more involved. I'm not interested in their crafts, bingo, games, or sing-alongs but might be if anything happens to my husband. Their exercise class is up to about 50 people now. I know getting to know a few ladies, and also just getting out is good for me. My husband doesn't like it and punishes me by throwing more of my things out in the trash. He did go with me to the potluck there, and also to another Senior Center lunch farther away twice. He has asked me to give him a list of where he can get food if he needs to fend for himself, so we went to 2 other Senior Centers where they have lunch, and they also deliver if you can't get out. I try to think positively about why he would think I wouldn't be able to keep shopping and cooking like if my back goes out again, or if I have a heart attack or stroke. I have been having more trouble with my heart for about a month or 6 weeks. My husband is still pretty strong most of the day but he needs oxygen most of the day now, as his heart slowly gets worse. It's very positive that 4 weeks ago I found a new church only 3 miles from my house that I like and have gone every Sunday since then plus a Valentine's dinner last night. I didn't know it had changed "hands" and is now non-denominational, and I like the pastor and people. I love having things close to home and am driving another lady. It is time for me to develop a "support" system. I am very friendly but don't make close friends easily (or at all). Another positive thing is that my husband has not hit me again since that awful time on August 17th. But he does continue to threaten me. The worst of it has been mostly about 3 or 4 years now. Today we were talking to his nephew on the phone who said he was gun shopping. My husband told him he had bought a 45 with only a 2” barrel for up-close shooting. His nephew asked if he had a holster and he said yes. I have no idea when or where my husband purchased his gun but it has to be within the time frame that he has been threatening me. I don't know if I should be sharing with you because of course, this means he is even more dangerous. But at 82 years of age, my very bad back, and $530. a month of Social Security (and now more heart trouble) I have no plans on leaving. There is nowhere I want to go, and nothing I want to do. I am pretty up and down emotionally and actually had 2 “melt-downs” this last month. One towards him, wailing that I can't do or be any better than I am. The other time was just to myself, saying the same thing. I've been better for a week or two and am handling the daily tensions and anger headed my way. But I admit I may be headed toward burnout. I throw myself on the mercy of the Lord to sustain me. Thank you, Lord. It's still hard for me to write here on FS since someone said they know me personally, and that I probably write too much. I hate to complain but as I told my husband, I can't do or be any better. There isn't any more of me.