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Nearly 3 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant again. I was elated!!! Now they tell me to expect a miscarriage because my hcg (262)and progesterone levels (5) are so low. I am too early to show a baby or even a sac. Praying for a miracle but knowing to expect the worst. I can't stop crying. I know at 43 I was pushing the envelope to have another baby, but we conceived immediately; just like in the past. I never dreamed it wouldn't make it to be a baby, I just prayed that the baby would be ok. They did an internal ultrasound yesterday, which revealed nothing...again, too early to see anything. They had wanted me in there to talk about my "options". Choosing to wait and let nature take it's course was not one of the options the Dr. presented and he wasn't very happy when that was the decision that I made. He let me know that I was unnecessarily putting my life at risk when it could all be taken care of with a simple procedure in the office. He didn't understand my reluctance and was sure he would see me in the hospital this weekend with a belly full of blood because one of my tubes had ruptured, although he can't say that it is an ectopic pregnancy and well, no, I don't have any of the risk factors... So now I am waiting for the inevitable. It maybe harder in the short term, for what I thought was going to be a new life, to leave my body, but I still have a very slim hope that a miracle could happen. but when it doesn't, I'll know that was fate, and not a decision to terminate my own failing pregnancy. I tried to explain to him that my conscience would not let me make the choice to end it. I told him that this pregnancy felt normal, if it felt off, maybe I would choose another route, but it feels like my last pregnancy!!! :( I would certainly not judge anyone who opted to get it over with...I think it's an awful decision to have to make. I just know me and would always wonder what would have happened if I would have waited it out....my conscience would get me over time. This was the right choice for me, even if it does end up being a tubal and I have to have emergency surgery. OK....so this has nothing to do with weight loss but it is something I am struggling with right now and I needed some journal therapy! I am just so broken-hearted...
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