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Weight History
showing entries 11 to 15 of 38
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30 August 2019
Left is October 22 of last year, approx. 235lbs.
Right is on August 5 of this year.
The red shirt is from 4 years ago, when I'd gotten down to 170lbs... after that, I'd changed departments and had some emotional issues and just ballooned back up to where I am now...
I didn't really start going hard on my eating until about the 16th, and I've lost a little more since then. I don't really want to step on a scale; I don't trust that number. I'm focused on how I'm feeling in my clothes and in my own skin.
I really really want to start getting back to the gym. The motivation is just not there right now. My main focus is on what I'm eating. It's so difficult. I'm constantly at war in my head over food. It's kind of scary, actually, because it's giving me a lot of anxiety. :(
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29 August 2019
Someone once suggested to me to put 1 part grapefruit juice to 4-5 parts water to help keep hydrated, and to help control the urge to snack.
So far today, I gotta say it's working.
:)
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27 August 2019
It's so difficult to lose weight without counting calories, so I've got to count calories, and therein lies the issue.
We're told by society to eat less; less sugar, less carbs, less calories.
So when faced with a number, we're programed to see how much lower we can go. We're scared of failure, so we're unconsciously determined to 'beat' the challenge. So we look at that 2000cal/day and we challenge ourselves to go as low as possible.
I have anxiety, and 100lbs more than medical professionals say I should have on me. Suggestions have been as follows: bariatric surgery, weight loss prescription medication, dietitian consultation, food journaling, calorie counting.
Of course, the easy-outs are the most tempting. Cut into my guts and FORCE me to stop eating buckets of junk. Take some pills and chemically make my body process things faster... Or, put in the work myself and change my eating habits by just cutting out the foods that taste so good, putting me at war with myself on the daily.
Why can't we just be robots? Why can't I just take out hunger and cravings altogether? All food does is give me stress and anxiety. I'm the sole grocery shopper at home with my 12yr old son, and I have the ability to go and buy all of the yummy-yet-trashy foods that I want. The kid sometimes asks for them, but, thankfully, he's very supportive about trying to keep the kitchen free of junk, while at the same time being picky about the healthy stuff.
Where my mentality is right now... miserable. I know what foods are healthy, and I have no problem eating the healthy stuff. I sit at work for 8+ hours per day; I hate it. I've asked for a standing desk but have been denied. Lately I've been trying to take the stairs more often. I have a gym membership but I can't bring my son till he's 13. Getting up earlier than I do now (6am), isn't an option; it's a good night if I can get in 5 hours of sleep a night as it is. In the evening, getting home with the kid at 5pm gives us only a few hours of family time until it's time for bed. I'm the only adult so most of the house cleaning, cooking, etc falls on me. By the time it's lights-out, I'm exhausted. I also battle insomnia most nights, so the earlier I can get in bed, the better chance I have of getting a healthy amount of sleep.
I'm trying not to snack at work. There are healthy mixed nuts in my drawer if I need something. Sparkle water and hot tea all day. I use stevia to sweeten.
Trying to lose weight, I've set my calorie limit at 1200.
The anxiety kicks in and most days I under eat even that. Food has become the enemy, especially the foods that I've loved for ages.
I've been vegan before, and paired with karate 2x per week, I lost a LOT in high school; and I'm close enough to it but I know I need protein so I do eat seafood, eggs, and dairy. (dairy is limited to greek yogurt with fruit, some cottage cheese, and the occasional cream/milk in the coffee/tea. Cheese sometimes.) What I eat now is considered a Pescatarian diet.
Every day is a struggle now. I'm hiding the depression and anxiety from my son, but he sees how little I've been eating. Honestly I'm scaring myself, too, because I know at the rate I'm going currently, I could easily spiral into an eating disorder. :(
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16 August 2019
Weigh-in:
240.0 lb
lost so far:
0 lb
still to go:
90.0 lb
Diet followed N/A
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16 August 2019
Weigh-in:
240.0 lb
lost so far:
0 lb
still to go:
90.0 lb
Diet followed N/A
add comment
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